FACETIÆ.

Auckland Star, Volume V, Issue 1379, 11 July 1874, Page 3

FACETIÆ.

" Gracious me !" exclaimed a lady in the witness-box, "How should I know anything about anything I don't know anything about!"

There is laughter in Chicage because a St. Louis detective went there and had his pockets picked on a horse-car. Thk woman's paper, the devolution, is to be revived. It will be a-bustling sheet. Many of the daily papers say they are opposed to iniiation, and yet they are constantly blowing up people. An old Scotchman of Boston used to say, I'm open to conviction, but I'd like to see the man that can convince me.

The Cobbler's End.—After breathing his " last" he gives up his "sole" and goes to the "upper!' regions. ■ -;- " Where there's a will there's a way " as the young man said when he eloped with the fair legatee.. , Letting off sleep," is a little boy's definion of snoring. Caught by a Cockney.—A good story is told of George William Curtis, the poet. He prides himself, it is said, on his English acient, eschewing the Yankee "drawl." Therefore, when he was in England, and went to a tailor's he was not a little mortified at the proprietor exclaiming: "'Array, show the Hamerican gentlemen the flowery Weskets !" Mrs. BBioiiAM don't want to be Young. "Pleasant dreams, my dear," said the husband to his wife as he bade her "good night." She, did have pleasant dreams that night.'. Cause why? They had been for a drive through the Golden Gate Park, and the fresh and invigorating air of heaven had made her slumbers sweet. A drive through the Park and a meal at the "Villa," kept by Mr. and Mrs. Mangenberg, are'wortb more than all the medicines of all the

hysicians in San Francisco.. Lazy husband are known out West as stove watchers.

Pestered with " contributions of verse," from a persistent rhymester, till his patience gave out, an American editor wrote to his correspondent thus :—" H you don't stop sending me your sloppy poetry I'll print a piece of it some day, with name appended in full, and send a. copy to your sweetheart's father." That poetical fountain was spen*. taneously dried up. When does a man have to keep his word 1 —When no one will take it. •

A Chicago lady's order for Saturday 'included " One marble figger for Appoler." A three- year-old child down East recently said, "There's two things I 'spise—Sundays and dyin'." - Hair-brushes are now made with fine elastic wire in place of bristles. Persons with hair on their teeth will please notice. Now that so many people are getting married by telegraph, there ought to be some speedier method of obtaining divorces. How to Get Rich—Learn to live on air and sleep on a clothes-line. " Sally, what time does your folks dine ?" "Soon as you go away —that's missus' orders."

The smallest women look hopefully to high-men. • ~ ■ — King Ko*fee has 8,333 wives.

An Atlanta " firm " has named its popular brand of Wisky after a female crusader. Up north the great difficulty is Whisky, and in Louisiana the chief affliction is water. A Georgia paper promises to publish a " thrilling cereal." Its,readers will probably -make an oat of it.

A man in West Newbury, Vt., recently won $15 by eating twelve boxes of sardines, a quart of raw pea, beans, and a pound of bar soap within three days. A St. Louis woman wants a divorce just because she found 113 letters from a redheaded woman in her husband's pocket. Divorce lawyers are now known as " patent separators." Adelina Patti at Pesth.—A correspon r dent writing from Pesth states that the recent visit of Mme. Adelina Patti to that city was the occasion of considerable excitement when it was,known that she would sing at two concerts in the Salle de la Redoute. Every seat in the house was instantly secured, and the sale of. tickets •realised the large sum of £2y200. So eager •were the' public to* hear or see the prima donna that they broke open the doors and windows of the Salle, until, at last, the police were compelled to. .interfere. Mme. Patti has now returned to Vienna, where she is announced to sing in Ernani, an opera which has not been given in the Austrian capital for thirty years. [':'.,, A BIG diamond is now on exhibition in Boston. Is is as large as a hazelnut, and is worth six hundred tons of railway iron, 300 tons of sugar, or 5,d00-barrels of flour. John of Gaunfs bed was recently sold by auction at Tunbridge Wells. It is made of carved oak, with richly embroidered arras hangings, the latter of the time of Queen Elizabeth; - ■.""'' .-.-- ;■'-.■■