THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume 2, Issue 182, 16 April 1878, Page 3

THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

" It's all Bothebation from Bottom

to Top."

" Paddy's Travels."

Jubilate! "From woe proceedeth weal" I have read, and, if this is the case, the yvoes of the peripatetic Assessment Court •will bring weal to the public who have to travel—not for love of it—between Pigeon Bay,and Port Levy. In the mother country, so I am informed, the killing of a railway director in one of the periodical " smash-ups." has the effect of causing .greater vigilance on the part of officials, and an improvement for the better in the permanent way. That being the case there, what should be done here when it is known at head quarters that those " Babes in. the Wood," the Assessment ■ Court, lost themselves in trying to find the road which is supposed to lead from Pigeon Bay to Port Levy? What should be done, indeed ! I know what will be done! The road will be made instanter — d'ye mind that, Brother Porter? Three cheers—no, I mean ".Silence in the Coort" for those glorious patriots, *" the Coort," who lost themselves and the " taste ay potheen" for the good of their fellows. *- Be the Mortial," that slippery customer Marcus Curtius, or *'thing-nm-bob what-d'ye-call-um " —what is his proper name, Councillor Waeckerle? —that leaped into the chasm in a fit of mistaken patriotism, is small coal and cinders compared to the -rotund and genial " Coort" who sacrificed himself, and a Bridge beside, for the bene- J fit of his fellow men. Says " the Coort," ! in the dead of night—"Pass the moistener." Says " the Coort " official—" Nary a moistener, not even a stick of rhubarb."

"They wandered about did these babies so good, Till they eat all the blackberries which grew in the wood ; With hips,, haws, and sloes they their bellies did(n't) cram, 'Cause the Government was such a wicked old man. A distant relative of mine arrived a few" weeks since from the old country, arid'on • our "foregathering:" together, I soon discovered that he was very punctilious, methodical, and-extremely particular, not only as regarded, his personal appearance, but also as regarded his food, bedding, &c.; at the same -time he was filled with queer republican kind of ideas, liked people to be outspoken—so he said—-what-ever their position. might be; believed thoroughly in blunt truthfulness, and altogether professed himself to be deeply •enamoured with the " a man's a man for a' that" kind of dogmatism. He thought the colony would bo a splendid place to study the better kind of traits among men, and I piled it on that he was just about in tbe right. Says Ewchum —my relative's name—" Jack, as I have not long to stay in and as you have the lay of the land, suppose we go into the country, see what there is to be seen, and I can pick up ideas of colonial life and manners to take back with me," adding thereto— " it shall be no expense to you." Having nothing better to do, I acquiesced, and we started " on the wallabi." Our first day's journey ended at the house of Mine Host Pewter's, whose shanty is proverbial for •dirtiness, food for badness, beds for hardness ; whilst old Pewter's for gin drinking :and mixed profanity is not to be equalled, -certainly not excelled. I noticed Ewchum's visage elongate, but said nothing. In the morning we got tho bill, which said— " Supper bad for two 10s," and went on -with the other items. Ewchum brightened, .said he—" Jack, here is a truthful man, I •don't mind his charges; he says the supper was bad, so it was, adjective bad, he •should have said the same about the break_£astj nevermind, I will pay him." He

went to the bar for that purpose, and in a few moments I heard a torrent of language —such language —from Old Pewter. My relative came ■ back to me " sadder and wiser," and explained that the " supper bad " meant supper and bed, but gave no further explanations. " Doubtless the pleasure is as great Of being cheated as to cheat." Who does not know John Meikle, whilome a whip of Cobb and Co.'s, now a boniface in the capital city of South Canterbury ? I know him an unpaid score and "an early settlement will oblige." Among many other kinds of stock which John has in his possession is a villainously repulsive looking type of the " Bill Sykes" style of pet. This animal, for reasons best known to the owner, is kept upon one of the upstair landings, where he keeps seeming " watch and ward " over his master's property. A week or two since a couple of old Akaroa identities, whom business matters took to Timaru, put up at Mr Meikle's hostelry, and, of course, when there, saw the ferocious appearing dog I have mentioned. One of our old friends, among many other peculiarities, has an idea that a look from his eagle eye will subject any animal to his power and domination ; in fact, he blows of his veni vidi vici qualities, and the sight of this ugly specimen of " Bill Sykes' dawrg" set him off on his favorite hobby. Says he—" Gunner, I never saw a dog in all my life that I was afraid to approach, or yet to pat. I have only to look at the fiercest brute when he is at once cowed and submissive, and I can do whatlplease with Yam A The human eye. and especially my off-side optic, has great power over animals." Gunner remarked—" Look here, Neddy, I don't believe it and you ; I will bet you drinks that you cannot coax that dog of Meikle's to come to you." " Done," was the rejoinder, and an adjournment was made to the landing, where a perspiring course of " poor boy," "good dog," eagle ■eye, stealthy advance, and quick retrogade was gone through, but all had no effect ; the dog was impervious to all blandish ments. "Go up to him, man," said Gunner. " No," said Neddy, " look at the brute's teeth." "I will," said G., who went and patted the animal. Neddy still held back, but at last was induced to approach the fierce looking monster, when he discovered that the eagle eye taming business had all been thrown away upon— a clever imitation of a dog. The laugh and the drinks appeared pretty close together. This case proves that my revered mentor, Virgil, was not right in stating— " For they can conquer, who believe They can."

The kind of life I lead, partly by choice and more by necessity, does not. tend to improve one's memory, therefore it is somewhat excusable if I am occasionally tautological—there's a word for you, Dr. H.—and forgetful. I think I have previously stated that I have a dear old lady friend who, out of sheer pity for my orphaned and outcast condition, tolerates myself and my conversation, whilst endeavoring, in her way, to make me better and wiser. Since the commencement of the present shooting season I paid a visit to my friend, and, in the course of our varied conversation, we descanted upon game as an article of food, the old lady giving me her experiences upon the cookiag of the same as practiced by her in England. "There is one thing, however," she remarked, " that I have never cooked and tasted, and that is one of those young ' signatures ;' if you can get me one, John, pray do so, as I would like to try them." Oh, here we are again, thinks I, confound me if I know what she means, and I dare not ask her. Now for a little dissimulation. " How would you cook it," I interrogated. " I scarcely know." she replied," I must ask someone who has cooked a swan, and perhaps tell me." I had it a: once ! It was a cygnet she wanted, and I am giSrhg to get one —if I can—honestly or otherwise. I wonder if the poet had me or some other sundowner "in his mind's eye" when he #rote — " The man who pauses on his honesty Wants little of the villain." So Long.