From My Armchair

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, 3 December 1947, Page 6

From My Armchair

I've always envied those wonderful people who appear to have photographic minds, who can read something once or twice and fix it forever firmly in their memories. They never fail to amuse me. Since, however, I was born without this admirable gift, I have had to make do with a much more laborious substitute. I keep a scrap book. It's a nuisance to have to reach for a pencil every time I read something worth keeping but to a certain extent, the scrap-book habit has its compensations. For instance, I know of no greater pleasure than sitting by the fire on a cold night turning back the pages and discovering all the oddments and tit bits of other people's wisdom and humour that I've stored over the years. Heaven only knows where I originally read all the things I've kept. Their beginnings, I'm afraid, are in most (pases lost to me. Which fact does not matter very much, I fear, , because I now claim them as my own. On such a retrospective evening last week (only there was neither fire* nor armchair but a shady spot and a dish of strawberries and cream to inspire me) I copied from my scrap book some of the shorter and pithier "tit-bits". These I offer in complete disorder— just, as they came out of my scrap-book's rather untidy jumble of truth and cynicism, wisdom and laughter. Mostly laughter, I'm afraid. , To begin—.one of my collection of Limericks:—

MIND OVER MATTER There was a faith-healer of Deal, Who said, "Although pain isn't real. If I sit on a pin, And it punctures my skin, •I dislike what I fancy I feel." v And these two pieces of wise advice are definitely worth following: "If you've a cough, Laugh it ough; If you've a sneeze, How about a lemon and honey from beeze? If you've an ache, Find two aspirins to take; If your world seems dull and grey. Try two week's holiday with pey." ."** * * * * Virtue won't hurt you, But vice is nice. . =l= * % H= * % A NEW YEAR DISILLUSION . At Christmas I'll resolve to be, From New Year's day a different me. And thus at least enjoy this vision Till I abandon my decision, And disappoint a hopeful wife, Not for the first time in my life. Mentioning the word wife brings to the fore this American definition: "Tact is a man's ability to convince his wife that a woman looks stout in a fur coat." It also reminds me of the rather pathetic humour of an old English prayer to St. Catherine the patron Saint of Spinsters : St. Catherine, St. Catherine, 0 lend me your aid, And grant that I never May die an old maid! ;' A' husband, St. Catherine! A good one, St. Catherine! But anyone better Than no one, ,St. Catherine! A husband, St. Catherine! Handsome, St. Catherine! Rich, St. Catherine! Young, St. Catherine! SOON, St. Catherine! . And these (following fragments must have originated, I think in "Punch."

"When a passer-by was hit on the head by a brick dropped from a building under repair, he refused an immediate offer of a lump sum as compensation. He evidently wanted to see if the lump got any bigger." . A powerful telescope to be erected in California will enable scientists to see twice > as far into space as they do now. They have promised to tell the world as soon as they notice the high cost of living coming down." "A baby boy was recently christened 'Unesco r . At the ceremony there was a large gathering of cultural relations." * * * * * "America now has clocks that strike when spoken to in a loud

voice. And of course the cuckoo comes out in sympathy. "What is the smallest space in which it is possible to keep half a dozen domestic fowls? asks a correspondent in a poultry journal. Obviously, half a dozen bantams' eggs. * * * *. * NEWSPAPER REPORT OF A LAUNCHING CEREMONY christening ceremony ,was performed by Mrs , who broke a bottle on the bow before she slipped smoothly into the water." * * * * # "Keep the-light away from your indoor bulbs for at least a month', advises an article in a weekly paper This sounds to us suspiciously like another electricity cut." *** • * *

FOR THE UNEXPECTED GUEST "For Sale, cocker spaniel puppies, all colours and ages; also large -mincer, as new." Mention of the unexpected guest reminds me- of this one— "Nothing annoys a woman more than having friends drop in unexpectedly and find the house looking the way it usually does."

It seems to me that this collection of mine is rather unkind to the gentler sex. Most unfortunate, because nothing is further from my mind than a desire to be ungentlemanly. Still, I can't resist the temptation to quote this one: — "A lady is smarter than a gentleman, maybe. She can sew a fine seam, she can "have a baby,

She can use her intuition instead of her brain, But she can't fold a paper on a crowded train." Now to leave the ladies and turn attention to the animals:— "I know two things about the horse. And one of them is rather coarse." And some excerpts from " Barnyard Cogitations" by Ogden Nash:—

"There''is nothing in any religion Which compels us to love the pigeon." "Behold the duck. It does not cluck. A cluck at lacks. It quacks. It is specially fond Of a puddle or pond. When it dines or sups, It bottoms ups." "Little gambolling lamb Do you know where you am? In a patch of mint! I'll give yon a hint— Scram ' Lamb!" "The pig, if I am not mistaken, Supplies'-us sausage, ham and bacon. Let .others say his heart is big— I call it stupid of the pig." And, lest this collection become tiresome and unwieldy, let it be completed now by these three rather neat epigrams all of them modern .

ON A DISTANT PROSPECT OF A RUNAWAY BOOKMAKER "Alas! What boots it that my noble steed, Chosen so carefully the field outran? \ did not reckon, .bookie, on YOUR speed; The proper study of mankind -is man." THE CHOSEN PEOPLE "How odd ' of God ; To choose • . The Jews.'"' 1 >■ , The Reply: \ But not so odd, As those who choose A Jewish God, Yet spurn the Jews." —"Horace."