Humour

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 1263, 15 December 1920, Page 2

Humour

While au Irish train was passing through a deep cutting, the sides of which were covered with thick vegetation, an old man leaned out of the window and tried to grip some ferns. A moment later the train stopped, and the guard in a passion shouted: -, " ... "Let go them ferns! Can't yez see ye are a-stopping the train?" * * • A stylishly-dressed' man went up to a railway booking-office and asked for a "seaman's return." "We only issue them to seamen," returned the booking-clerk, as he raised his eyes, seeking approval from the stationmaster, who was standing by. "Why," said the applicant, "you—you leather-necked, swivel-eyed son of a sea-cook, if you feel »y staiboard boom running foul of your headlights you'll haul in your jaw-tackle \ a bit, and then " "Give him a ticket!" shouted the stationmaster; "he's one!" * * * A doctor who had a great dislike to, tobacco in any form managed, in his hurry at the station, to get into a smoking compartment A young man sat opposite puffing away at a huge cigar. After eyeing him 1 for some minutes,. ;, the gentleman at last addressed him: ;'~g3j "Young man, as a medical man/ let '.'_•;■'. * me warn you against smoking. ;Ef' perience has proved to me that oft ' every ten men suffering from paralysis of the tongue, nine of these have been caused by tobacco." "Sir," exclaimed the youth, "experience has proved to me that of every ten men suffering from black eyes, nine of them have been caused by people neglecting to mind their i own business." i * * * ' Having lost a valuable dog, a visitor to a small country town rushed to the newspaper office and handed in '. an advertisement offering five pounds reward for the dog's return. About half an hour later he thought he would add to his advertisement the words: "No questions asked." So he hurried to the office again. When he arrived, he found the place empty except for a small boy who wore a sulky expression. * * * • "Where's the staff!" asked the stranger, glancing about the deserted . v * ! room. .'.■:. ■ AP"Out looking for. your dog!" replied. t~"' the boy, who was evidently aggrieved at being left behind. .1. * ' * ' * Vr' A^ . There was an-appearance of strain- • t; ed gentility about the man, but the discerning state with which he selected the various, dishes impressed the V waiter. Whenhe had reached the last " course the diner rose to his feet. V -r" "Waiter," he drawled, "is the proprietor a big man?" "Er —yes, sir," replied the mystified attendant, "quite a strong fellow." . "Dm —does he ■ wear heavy boots or slippers?" ' ■ "Boots, sir:", ■■/ . '■■ *;■; "■-'.,. "Um—well, I think that you }iad '.,■'. ''■_■■' ' better kick me.out!"