Odds and Ends.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 698, 20 October 1909, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

She; "Some people profit by the mistakes of others." He: "Yes, like the minister who got a guinea for marrying us." "Algy, dear," remarked a young • wife to her husband, "I wish you would taste this milk and see if it is perfectly sweet. If it's the least Lit sour I mustn't give any of it to dear little Fido!" She: "Mr. Bloom does not pay his wife much attention." He: "No; the only time I ever knew of his going out with her was on«.e when the gas exploded." Music-hall Dancer: "When do you go on?" Music-hall Singer: "Right after the trained cats." Dancer: "Goodness rr.e ! Why don't the manager try to vary the monotony of his acts?" The teacher had explained the lesson at great length, and thought she wou;!d see how much her class knew about it. Turning 10 one boy, she said : "Why did they put Joseph in the pit, Tommy ?"-- '•Well," he said, "it was this way: He wore a coat of many colours. Had he worn a frock-coat they would have put him in the dress-circle." Johnson: "That man in the corner hasn't spoken a word this evening. Perhaps he is doing all the more thinking." Jackson: "Very likely. He tells me he finds it impossible to say a wor.l in company, but he is a clever man, nevertheless. He is an author." , Johnson: "Of what, pray?" . Jackson : "Why, of that famous book 'Aids to Conversation.' " Widow (tearfully': "John wa j such a hand to worry when things didn t tf-o right. He simply wore himself out doing it. Why. the very last day he lived he wa«r fretting because the price of coal had gone up five shillings a ton." Friend (trying to say something consoling) : "It is too .bad —too bad, madam ! But your husband is over ali ris troubles at last. He won't haveto worry over the price of coal where he is now." TOO BUSY TO GROW. The diminutive office-boy had worked hard on a "salary" of 4s. a week. He was a subdued little chap, faithful and quiet. Finally, however, he plucked up courage enough to ask ' for an increase. "How much more would you like?" inquired his employer. "Well," answered the lad, "I don t think that two shillings more a week would be too much." "You are rather a small boy to be earning six shillings a week." "I suppose I am," he replied "I Know I'm small for my age, but. »c tell the truth, since I've worked here I've been so busy I haven't had tirae to grow." He got the rise. GOOD FOR BRONSON. They were on the engrossing subject of girls. "Look here," exclaimed Bronson. "did you ever take a girl out to lunch when she felt a little faint?" "Er-—no," admitted Johnson reluctantly. "Well, then take my advice, and don't. One day I took Miss Florry Flapper into a restaurant. At first she declined to eat anything, but then she said she believed she did feel a little faint." "Did she take anything?" "Did she take anything!" cried. Bronson. "She seiezd the menu, glanced over it, said she didn't feel very hungry, and ordered " "Well.'what did she order?" "Oysters, bouillon, lobster cutlets, sweetbreads and peas, chicken, shrimo salad, biscuit glace, macaroons, <:<fU*c, and creme de menthe. It cost ri:e fifteen bob!" "Well, you ought to be glad.'" said Tnhnson. " "Glad! What for?" "Why, glad she wasn't hungry." CORDIAL RECEPTION. At a North-country hydro the utmost cordiality is shown to arriving guests. As soon as a visitor sets foot over the threshold he is met by someone specially detailed for that du*v and made to feel "at home." One night, just before the carriage was due from the station, a lady in the house was rallying the "receiver" in ordinary on the lightness of her duties. "I don't think you have much to do," said she. "I'm sure I could go forward and meet the people just exactly as well, and I haven't had any practice either." "Very wfll," said the other. "Try it" "So I will," was the reply. "I'll try it to-night." "Ah. but there's nobody coming tonight !■" Just then a carriage rolled up to the door, and both saw that a gentleman was seated within. The "receiver," who had been merely in jest, started forward with her usual alacrity, but the patient merrily held her bock. "No," she said, "I'm going! Now. watch me. and see if £'m cordial enough." . She hastened forward with both hands outstretched. She threw her arms about the gentleman's neck. She ' kissed him. "Miss ," she 'said, turning back to her shocked and astonished friend, who could hardly believe the evidence .of her eyes, "allow me to introduce my husbxnd!" THE KINDLY MOTORIST'S SURPRISE. A motorist ran down and killed a hen. He was a conscientious m«tonst. so instead of racing along, unmindftl of the grief of the owners of the hen, he immediately stopped, got out, teu---v oicked up the unfortunate fowiand knocked at the door of the farmhouse from the vicinity of which it had emerged A womarf opened the door. "I am very sorrv to inform you." said he, "that I have unintentionally killed this hen of yours." He held the fowl i»p to her view. "Now, lam quite willing to pay whatever the -value " But she checked him with this joyous exclamation: "Oh, I'm so much obliged to you! I've been frying to catch that hen for three days to cook it for dinner, and ' npv,.]- could so much as lay a hanJ on the wretched thing. Thank you, sir, thank you I"