Odds and Ends.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 696, 6 October 1909, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

Percy: "I'hate that fellow Dudds, the tailor. I'd like to murder him I" Charlie: "Why don't you pay his bill? He would probably die of surprise."

Hewitt: "What are you raising a beard for?"

Jewitt: "Well. I don't mind tellinjr you. I'm wearing a necktie my wife gave me."

Edwin (tenderly touching- her tresses) : "Sweet one, let me be like this lovely hair."

Angelina (tremulously). dearest, what would you be?" Edwin (rapturously): "All youi own."

"What,

"Is it true Blanche Poorca»tch is jroing- to be married?"

"Yes, to Major Richman; he lost his arm in an engagement, you know."

"Humph! He's certainly lost his head in this one."

"If I catch your dog eating any of my chickens, I'll shoot him," said the old gentleman who owned a hen-house, angrily, to his neighbour. "I don't care," said the neighbour. "If he eats one of your chickens it won't be necessary for you to s'hoot him."

"How long- is it going to take to Set through with this case?" asked the client, who was under suspicion of housebreaking-. "Well." replied the young lawyer, thoughtfully, "it'll take mc about two weeks to get through with it. but I'm afraid it's going to take you about four years."

"What has become of the big man who used to beat the bass drum?" asked the private of the drum-major. "He left us about three months ago." "Good, drummer, too, wasn't he " "Yes, very good. But he got so fat that when he marched he couldn't hit the drum in the middle."

BEAT LOT'S WIFE. A man named Stone and one name,d Wood met on tin- street recently, and they stopped for a moment to exchange a few cheerful views, when a woman in a particularly noticeable waterproof coat passed. Simultaneously, Wood turned to Stone; Stone turned to Wood; thea both turned to rubber.

HE DIDN'T PRAY ON HOLIDAY. The members of the church voted that their dearly-'belcved and devoted pastor should have a vacation, and so he decided that he would visit a bro-ther-worker in the neighbouring village.

iThis good brother, recognising his fellow-worker away back among _ the congregation, on Sunday morning, and wishing to show every courtesy, asked him to lead in prayer. But the visitor calmly replied: "You'll have to excuse me, dear brother; I'm on holiday." THE REASON WHY. At the close of the service an old lady waited to speak to the clergyman, and when opportunity offered, remarked that she always liked to come to church when he preached. "I am delighted to hear it," answered the clergyman, his face beaming wiih pleasure. "You see," added the old lad" "there is always such lots of room.' 1 AN ASTONISHED ANGLER. An angler was trying the water near a lunatic asylum, when he espied a uange object floating- down the river. As it ncared him he saw, to his great ,:stonishmenl, that it was a man, nearly submerged beneath the water. "Hi!" he shouted, "what are you doing there?" "Sh-s-sh!" came the reply, "don't touch me; I'm a submarine!" WHO THE DICKENS DOES? A country visitor to a big- city contemplated with amazement the huge gilt sign displayed over the entrance to an institute on a prominent thoroughfare "Stammering- Institute. Trial Lesson Free." "Upon my soul," exclaimed the rural traveller, "if that don't beat all! I knew they taught 'most everything '.hese days, but who the dickens wants to learn stammerin'?" A FREE TRANSLATION. The office-boy was wearing for the first time his new long trousers, and he was really feeling politely inclined to everybody. So, when a fair artist called to inquire about some sketches, he rose, and. with a fine bow, said: "The editor is much obliged to you for allowing - him to see your drawings, but much regrets that he is unable to use-them." "Did he really say that?" she asked eagerly. "Well, not exactly. I'm very sorry, ma'am, but what he really said was, 'Take 'em away, Joe; they make me sick." A FREE PASS. J The usual crowd of small boys was gathered about the entrance of a circus tent in a small town one day. ■■ pushing and trying to get a glimpse of the interior. A man standing near watched them for a few moments, then walking up to the ticket-taker he said with an air of authority: "Let all these boys in, and count them as they pass." The gateman did as requested, and when the last one had gone he turned and said: "Twenty-eight, sir." LOVE DEAF AS WELL AS BLIND. The young man and the girl were standing outside the front door, hav- , ing a final chat after his evening call. j He was leaning against the doorpost talking in low tones. Presently the young lady looked round, to discover her father in the doorway, clad in a dressing gown. "Whv. father, what in the world is the matter?" she inquired. "John." said the father, addressing himself to the yountr man. "vou know I have never complained about your stayinc late, and T am not eroing to complain of that now; but, for goodness sake, stop leanirfg against the bell-nush, and let the rest of the family get some sleep."