Odds and Ends

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 661, 10 February 1909, Page 7

Odds and Ends

He—-"What is your favourite pet in Cholly—"Does your father object t© my smoking, darling?" Flossie—"Not u you bring your own cigars." "Know anything about dairying?" A bit." "Know which side to milk u^ »? n? " " Yes -" "Which?" "Outside.'-' Landlady—"You make an awful noise with that flute." Boarder—"Well, I'm sorry to hear it." Landlady—'"So's everybody else." "I notice that you always sit at your wife's left, Mr. Meggs." "Yes," frankly replied Mr. Meggs; "that's the side her glass eye is on." Landlady—"You will either have to pay what you owe or leave." Slowpay—"Thanks. The last place I was at they made me do both." "I was always interested in airships and flying machines, so I bought a theatre." "Why did you do that?" "A theatre has wings and flies." Penn —"I don't see how you can call Mr. Meter a genius. His poems certainly do not show it." Brushe—"No, but the fact that he sells them does." "That dog of yours has a remarkably highr-pitched voice." "Yes, he is the right sort to belong to an old sailor like me; his bark is on the C." She —"She tells me all her secrets." He—"Well, you don't object to that, do you?" She—"Oh, I don't know. I think I'd rather find them out!" HER HUSBAND'S DREAMS. " I dreamed of you last night," said Boodle to his wife over the breakfast table.

" What did you dream, dear ?" inquired his wife. " I dreamed a dream," answered Boodle. "But what was the dream?" inquired Mrs. Boodle petulantly. " I dreamed I caught a chap runing away with you." "And what did you say to him ?" inquired his wife. " I asked him what he was running for." ENPECK'S CURIOUS WILL. The lawyer was drawing up Enpeck's will. "I hereby bequeath all my property to my wife," dictated Enpeck. " Got that down ?" " Yes," answered the attorney. " On condition," continued Enpeck, "that she marries within a year." " But why that condition ?" asked the man of law. " Because," answered the meek and lowly testator, " I want somebody to be sorry that I died. See ?" AN INFALLIBLE SIGN. A traveller waited at a certain American town in vain for the much overdue train on the branch line. Again he approached l the sjolitary sleepy-looking porter and inquired for the twientieth time, "Isn't that train coming soon ?" At that moment a dog' came trotting up the line, and a glad smile illuminated the official's face. "Ah, yes, sir," replied the porter. "It'll be getting near now. Here comes the engine-driver's dog."

A NEAR THING. "He liked her fairly well, but never dreamed of proposing until he first saw her in evening dress." "Won by a neck, I suppose?" A BURNING QUESTION. Fred: "I say, have you heard the joke about the red-hot cinder?" Tom: "No. Tell me." Fred: "Well—Oh, no, it's no good telling you, you couldn't grasp it." OF NO AVAIL. Kind Old Ladv: "Why, little boy. what's the use of crying like that?" Street Urchin: "'Taint no use! I've been cryin' like this all mornin', r,n' nobody ain't given me a penny yet," WHAT THE TRUTH MIGHT MEAN. "You want me to tell the whole truth?" asked the witness. "Certainly," replied the Judge. "The whole truth about the plaintiff?" "Of course." "Might I ask how long does this Court expect to sit?" "What difference does that make?" "It makes a lot of difference. I couldn't tell the whole truth about that scoundrel inside of a week, talking all the time." NEW LIGHT ON THE SUBJECT. A young man and a woman were "keeping company," with a view to getting married. They had not seen one another for a month, when the girl said, "Oh. George, I've got such good news. I will be able to see you every day now. for I have got a billet in your office." "Oh." replied George, with a dawning light in his eyes, "that accounts for me getting the sack." ; She was paid. 255. to displace her boy, who had been drawing £2 S, week.