Odds and Ends.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 505, 24 January 1906, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

WHY SOJ«E PEOPLE GO TO CHURCH. AN editor in lowa, after considering the situation, has oonduded that ' some go to church to weep, while others go to sleep; some go to tell their woes, while others go to show their rl .-thas; some go to hear the preacher, others like the solo soreeoher; boys go to reoonnoitre, girls go beoause they ' otter'; some go for reflection, preoious few to help the oolleotion t. A MUSICAL TRAGEDY. ' What do you think of brass bands ?' asked he, thinking of the free conceits at the park. ' Brass bands are better than none,' replied she, contemplatively gazing at the third finger of her left hand; • but why oan't I have a gold band V THE WORST OF IT. 1 It's ridioulcus for a young man to ge* married as soon as ha oomes of age I' said the elderly baohelor, « Think so, do you?' said Henpeok languidly. 'Of course I Why, he's scarcely old enough to be his own master.' ' Well, he isn't if he gets married I' HIS SUGGESTION. Beggar (insinuatingly): «I say, mister, nave yer got any suggestion to make a feller wot ain't able to raise a penny to git shaved with ?' Old Gentleman (pasting on): «Yes, grow aboard.' HIS GRIEVANCE.

• Darn tbese here motor-oars I 1 said! the man with the sun-burned suit, round shoulders and long beard. «I guess I've gone a running up to no less'n a dozen crowds 'Epoetin' to see a fight, and only found some fellow decterin' a motor-oar I'

INSULTING. Lady Palmist: : I see by ycur hand that you have been married three times.' Bachelor: ' Madam 1 I will not permit anyone to insinuate that I am a hopeless idiot.' MONEY ORDER. ' You oan't get a money order for more than £IOO, oan you?' • Don't you believe it. I got one the other day for £200.' ■ Through the post-office 7' ' Yes. My wife telegraphed, " Sand me £2ooatonoe.° HELP, 1 Did you have to help him out when ho proposed?' •No. Papa did!' MORE SATISFACTORY. Customer: Waiter, bring two hard boiled eggs.' Waiter: ' Couldn't you take those eggs poached, sir ? It's been found more satisfactory all romd to open those eggs in the litohen, sir,' THE MARCH OF SCIENCE. 1 Whatever are you trying to do, Pat ?' asked the pquire, who had oome across one of his tenants at work upon a weird looking contrivance of indefinable shape and purpose. ' Whoi, yer honour, was the surprised answer, ' sure, ye oan see Oi'm afther buildin a windmill.' ' A windmill is it, said the squira. < But you'll get no wind down in hollow, Pat.' • Pooh, yer honour,' said P*k. Who wants the wind ? Oi'm goin' to ba mora up to date I Oi'H work the windmill wid 'leotrioity or wirelesß telegraphy, bjdad 1'

POOR BRUTE. Heavyweight; 'I toll jou, horscbiok riding is a great thing for reducing the flash.' Friend: ' You don't soooi to be much thinnor,' Heavyweight: •No ; but jou ought to see the horse,' THIW SKEWED. Proprietor: "What made that oastomeE walk out ? Did you off snd him ?' Shopman: ' I don't know. He said he wanted a hat to suit his head, and I showed him a soft one.' LOO)CS DECEPTIVE, She: ' Everybody says you married me only for my money.' He: ' But I didn't. I know you look it, dear,but! didn't.' THE LATEST. Footman: 'Me lud, the carriage waits without.' His Lordship: « Without what?' 6 Without horses, me lud: 'tis a motor car,'