Odds and Ends.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 504, 17 January 1906, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

AH IMPOSSIBILITY. A JOLLY looking Irishman was saluted with the remark: «Tim, your house haß bio An away.' ' 'Deed it's not, said Tim, ' for I've tie key in my pooket.' A NEW DEVICE. Doctor: « p ft t, what is that hanging over your bed with a Btring attached thereto ?' Patient: 'Well, eor, that's an alarm olook. As soon as I draw the string lam awake in a jiffy.' A YALUABLE FORGETFULNESS. ' Why, my dear man,' deolared the hypnotißti ' by making a few simple passes before your eyes I can make you forget that you are maided.' 'Go ahead,' said the other. ' I've been trying to forget it for ten years.' HER REPLY. Husband: ' You are always looking for bargain?. Was there ever a time when you were not a bargain hunter, even fcr things no uce to you ?' Wife: ' Yes, dear: when I married you." TWO MARRIED MEN. • Your wife has such a liquid voioe,' said Mr Fosdick to Mr TiflV ' STes, that's a pretty good name for it,' replied Mr T. Mc Fosdiok looked up inquiringly, and Mr T. added : «It never dries up, you know,' SHE SCORED. 1 1 wish they'd invent a new expression occasionally,' said Top, as he perused the aooount of a recent wedding. «It's always ' the blushing ' bride.' ' Well/ replied Mrs Top, ' when you consider what sort of husbands most girls have to marry you oan't wonder at them blushing.'

A NEW WEAPON. ' Is your wife a olub woman, Miko ?' ' Nary the loikes o' thot, sorr ; she uses a flat-iron, sorr. 1 IN A FIX. Sunday School Teaoher: ' Why, Willie Wilson, fighting again. Didn't last Sunday's lesson teaoh you that when you are struok on one oheek you ought to turn the other to the striker ?' ' Willie: ' Yes'm; but he hit me on the nose and I've only one 1' MIS ANSWER. Young Man (a private in the Volunteers): < I've come to ask you for your daughter's hand, sir.' Old Gentleman (a oaptain in the same oorps) : ' Bight about faoe I Quick march I' IN A RESTAURANT. Happy Bridegroom : ' Waiter, I want dinner for two.' Waiter; Villyou haf table d'hote or ala carte ?' Happy Bridegroom (generous to afiult, but weak in Prenoh): ' Bring u? SDma tf both, with lots of gravy.' DURING THE DINNER HOUR.;:;: Mike: 'An' what makes ye swalley all yer dinner in less than two minutes ? Is it yer atin' on a bet ?' Tim : • Shure, an' I ates that way for the good of my dyspepsia. The doctor told me to rest an hour after atin', an' how else can I get the time in af >re the wbistla blows at one o'clock V

A NATURAL CONCLUSION. The Siout Ooe : ■ Oli, 1 fell aoross a friend of yours the other day.' The Thin One : ' Did you ? Which hospital did thoy take him to 7' REWARD FOR CURIOSITY. Magistrate: ' Why did you striae the telegraph operator ?' Prisoner: 'lt wuz like dis, yer Honour. I give him a message to send to me gal, an' de Blob started to read it. Dan la.viped him.' ; / KEEPING UP THE REPUTATION. Mrs Tones: ' I don't hoq what she wanted to marry him for; ho has a cork leg, a glass eye, a?, well m a wig and fake teeth.' Mrs Smith: ' Well, my dear,-you know, womin always did have a hankering after remnants.' CONUNDRUMS. When does a waterman resemble an indian?—When he feathers his soull (skull). On what toe does a corn never oome ?— < The mistletoe. Why is photography antagonist to por-trait-painting ?—lt is a foe-to-(paoto). grapMo art,