Odds and Ends.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 503, 10 January 1906, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

HIS OPINION OF HIMSELF, NO wonder a titter went round the oladß , as the lecturer prefaced his remarks On the gorilla with these words. ' I must beg you to give m» your undivided attention. Indeed it is absolutely impossible for you to form a true idea of the hideous animal of whioh I am about to speak, unless you keep your eyes fixed on me.' HAD NOT THOUGHT OF IT. Dootor : ' Do you sleep with your mouth open ?' Irish Patient: ' Bhure, Oi don't know, doother. Oi've never S6en myself when Oi've been aslspa, but Oi'll have a look tonight.' TWO OF TKEM. Mrs. Gidday: ' Yes, Marie, Ido hate to have my husband kiss me after he oomos from the barber's. I detest the odour of that brilliantine so.' The Maid : *Do you really, ma'am 7 I rather like it.' MISUNDERSTOOD. Colonel Lockwood once told a good story of a prominent man who called to condole with a lady on the death of her husband, and oonoluded by saving, ' Did he leave you muoh ?' I Nearly every night I' waß the reply. . KEPT MIS EYE ON HER. Miss Lighted : ' I was very muoh ad' mired at the wedding oeremony last night. I notioed one gentleman who never took bis eyes off me the whole evening.' Miss Sharpe : • Did the gentleman have a blaok moustache, waxed on the ends.' * Yes: do you know him-' I I know of him. He is a deteotive. He was thare to watch the presents.'

THAT MIGHT SUIT HIM. Travelling Parson: ' I say, my boy, oan you tell me where I oan get a night's lodging?' Boy: «You'd better ask father, he's just cleaning out the pig sty.' &S HE READJT. The shopkeeper who hung up the sign, ' Umbrellas recovered in an hour,' was surprised when a young man oame in and frankly told him he had left his in the train, and what would be the prioe. " • 10 YERY AWKWARD. Cyclist :■ ! Hi there, oall off your dog.' Owner : > I oan't.' • oin't ? Ain't he yours ?' •Yes, but I've only just bought him and I forgot to ask his name.' ROUGH ON THE BUTCHER. Hodgson, the butcher, and Brown, the shoemaker, were always ' taking each other cfE' with jokes. One day, while going for a walk, the butcher happened to be passing his friend's workshop, Galling in he happened to citoh Brown repairing a pair of boots. Suddenly Hodgson said : 1 That's a bit of good tough leather you have there, Brown.' ' Yes,' siid the shoemaker, 'lt is like Hodgson's beef I'

NO NEED TO FFjlß' Photographer: 'Excuse me, sir, but if-; '""•" you would look a little more pleasant—— 1 Wild-looking Countryman : • Don't be nervous, young man; I'm not so fleroa as I look.' WHAT ELSE. Wou!d-bo Purchaser (to boy left for the moment in charge of the stall): * I say, sonny, .what are you selling orangss for today ?' --' - Impudent Bay : • Why oranges, of bourse. Do you suppose I'm sellin 'em for ookernuts?" "■*'•. . NOT TO BE EXPECTED, First Boy (contemptuously): ' Hahl • Your mother takes id washing.' Saoond Boy: 'Ol course; yer didn't suppose she'd leave it hangin' out at night unless your father was in prison, did yer V A DEFINITION. Bufus O'aoate onoe tried to get a Boston witness to give his idea of absent-minded.' ness. 'Well,' said the witness, who was a typical New England Yankee. 'I should say that a man who thought he'd left bis watoh at hum and took it out'n his pocket \ to see if he'd time to go hum and get it was a leetle absent-minded.' ' CONUNDRUM. / Why are fishmongers useful to men seek- V" ng employment?— They ean generally Supply them with a pla(i)oe or two.