Odds and Ends.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 440, 8 September 1904, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

FATHER AND SON. JOHNNY: ' I say, papa, what's the . meaning of looking out for number one ?'' . Papa: ' That's a phrase we apply to selfish, calculating people, Johnny. But in the case of a widow, we say she's looking out for number two.' NOT SO SHARP. Winks :; • Dr Fauve, of Paris,, announcos that the odour of flowers has a pernicious effect on the human voice.' Jinks : ' Nonsense! When I gave my wife flowers, her voice isn't nearly so sharp as it is at other times.' M ALTERNATIVE. Mahoole: • Nixt toime Oi pass wid a loidyj Mulligan, ye've got to remove yer hat!'.''.. ■•;■■■ .;;> .'Mulligan;: ' And suppose Oi refuse?' Mahoole: 'Then, bedad, ye.'ve got to « remove yer coat.' ;v '. IN THE SAME BOAT. New Girl (timidly): ' I s'pose you are a fine cjfiok, mum ?' <. ■ Yoiiing Mistress : ' Bless me, no! I don't know, a thing .about it,' New Girl (relieved): ' Then we'll get on famously, mum. 1 don't, either. THE COMMERCIAL SPIRIT. A gentleman found his little daughter crying bitterly because she had had a fall. 'Never mind, Winnie, he said —' won't a ; chocolate, make it ..better ?..'', . 'No,' said the child-between her sobs* ' tut iwo would !' ENCOURAGING. Patient: 'Doctor, I am very short,of breath.' Doctor : ' Oh, well, we'll soon stop that.' A PLAYED-OUT TUB. *" Little Boy: 'Please, Mrs > mother wants to know if you will lend hj r your washtub ?' Mrs Grumpy (gruffly): 'No ; I can't. The hoops are off, the bottom's out), and its' full of water !' ... EASILY SATISFIED. Brahnigan: ' The doctor told mo to get a porous plaster for me stomach.' Druggist: ' Yes, sir; what sort do you want?' Brannigan: ' 'Tis little I care what sort it;is so long as 'tis aisily digested,' ENGAGEMENT BROKEN OFF. She-T-'lt's all over betwoen us. Here's your ring. I love another.' • He—' Oh, indeed. Will you oblige me with his name and address ?' She—'You are not going to kill him, are you?' v He—' No, indeed, I'm going to try to sell to him the engagement ring.' SO HE COULD STAY AT HOME. ' I would go with you to the- end of the earth,' he asserted, passionately. 'Not with me, you wouldn't)' she re* plied, coldly. Why not ?' he demanded. ' For two reasons,' she answered. ' One is that I am not going, and tho other is that there isn't any.' When one meets the prosaic new woman one has to be careful what ho says. ... WANTED \A COPPER. Patient: ' Doctor, I've got pains in me inside.' . '-, • * Doctor: ' What have you been eating ?' • Patient: 'That's just the trouble, doctor. I ain't had nuffin ter eat since last Easter. MISUNDERSTOOD. Mr Chauncey Depew recently called at the house of a friend, where he attracted the attention.of a bright boy of eight. When the statesman had left, the boy's father said, in answer to a question from his son, 'That was Senator Depew, the greatest story-teller in the world.' A few days later Mr Depew called at tho same house, and the small boy, advancing, said, 'lknowyou.' ' Indeed I And who am I?' v 'My papa says you are the biggebt lias on earth?' CONUNDRUMS. When doos love become a pitched battle 2 When it comes tc an engagement. What is higher and handsomer when the head is off ?—The pillow.