Humour.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 346, 25 December 1902, Page 7

Humour.

The Advance Agent: 'Crack up the show all you know, won't you ? Tell them if s the greatest thing that ever happened.' The Editor: • The trouble is I've done that iso often that people don't put any more faith in me than if I was an advance agent.' — : 'Foiled • hieseTd the. villain, through his clenched teeth. • Well, you ought to be used to it by this time,' retorted the low comedian; ' but what is it now P' «The worst that could possibly happen. I have mislaid my cigarette.' Wife : •' But I have nothing to wear' Husband: ■ Then let's go to the opera. No one will notice the difference.' He (after listening to her playing) : * I should think you would get one of thcsD attachments to the piano.' Shei 'Why?' 'Anyone can play that.' Mother—' I am surprised, Ethel, that you should talk so impertinently to papa. I'm sure you never heard me talk that way to him.' Ethel—'Well, you choosed him, and I didn't.' . -—— : In an Ice cream Psrlor>-He: ' I wonder why it is no man has ever succeeded in capturing the wealthy Miss Bullion P' Sweet Girl (between spoonfuls) : ♦ She has always been rich enough to buy her own ice-cream,' - A Question of Privilege.—Mistress (after 3a heated discussion with argumentative cook) v 'Are you the mistress of this house, I should like to know P' Cook t■ • No. ma'am. I ain't—but- ' Mistress (triumphantly) • ' Then " don't talk like an idiot!' A BECOMPENSE IN KIND. Clerical Customer (arousing himself from nap in barber's chair) : 'Finished, ehP' ! Barber: 'Yes, sir, quite—some time ago.' Clerical Customer: • Indeed 1 Then I must have been asleep.' jj Barber:'.' You surely have, sir.' •- Clerical Customer: 'lt was certainly very Mad of you not to awakeu me. The rest has. done me good, and I am very/ -fcharibful to-you'for what was really a very refreshing sleep.' Barber: 'Don't mention it, sir. Ifs only a fair return. I attended ser vice at your church last Sunday.' ENGLISH GOOD ENOUGH. Senator Quay is fond of telling a story of an experience at a country hotel near Pittsburg. Hanging on the wall' in the parlor was an inscription, * Ici on parle Franeais.' The senator noticed the inscription, and, turning to the proprietor,) said: iDo ycu epeak French.?' . . - •' No, replied the proprietor. • Unitefdl States will do for me.*' 'Well, then,' said Quay, "why do you have that notice on the wall—that means ' French is spoken here.'' - •.. ; . ' Well, I'll be blamed if a young chap didn't sell that to me for a motto,' God bless oar home!'' answered the astonished hotelkeeper. A FRIEND'S ADVICE. Jack—-' I have a chance to marry a poor ■ girl whom I love, or a rich woman whom I do not love. What would you advise ?'. ■ •■''*« George—'Love is the salt of life, my friend. Without it all else is naught. Love, pure love, makes poverty pain a joy, earth a heaven.' Jack—' Enough. I will marry the poor girl whom I love.' George—« Bravely spoken! By the way, would you—er —mind introducing me to the rich woman whom ycu do not loveP' . Mrs Watson: * Every now and then, in reading the news of failures, I come across the phrase 'preferred creditors,' What are preferred creditors ?' Mr Watson: ' Well, I myself prefer creditors who don't dun roe.' Jester: '. How are you getting on with your lessons in French ?' Mies Giddy: * Why, I can speak it, but I can't understand it.' Jester: ' What you need is an interpreter, to tell yourself what you are saying.'