THE CRITIC

No Remedy

A nice flower to send mdther-in-law as a Christmas gift: Snapdragoh. .

"There is nothing, like appearances," as the N.Z. born Chink said as he .spat on tin apple appreciatively, polished the fruit and placed it with others similarly treated m the front row 6f his window. ......

British election: Striking, example of being as high as Baldwin.

: : : s .: : British Conservative leaders say the Government was wrecked by women. Not tho first old-fashioned house that woman has wrecked.

Many British papers are urging proportional or preferential voting m preference to "lirst past the post." Bill Massey agrees with the change but' supports preferential or proportional just as it seems likely to produce the desired result. -

If you are going motoring m the next few weeks you may have the luck to run into some of your friends.

The principle of principal: You can't make money without money.

If street hawkers have neither profession nor trade, many of them have a calling.

How many of the lady would-be M.P.'s m Britain are M.A.'a? If not, why not 7

■If. a, man declares that "this Is my last bet," you can depend upon it that it isn't tho last — especially if . the horso comes m first.

"Think twice," says tho elderly adviser. "Lqo k twice — before you cross tho road," advises "Critic." Better than seeing double or being doubled-up

The Man at the Corner runs less risk of being motorcuted than tho Man m the Street does. For this mercy 'Truth' readers should be truly thankful.

Prior to the recent elections m England a Glasgow Conservative candidate engaged two local boxers an a. constant bodyguard. In fear of a blow lv tho prestige, wo suppose.

Christchurch "Star" feels the effect of tho recent spell of hot weather, aa witness its shipping column one day last week, when the thermometer rang I tho bell at S8 degrees: SIPPING. PORT OF LYTTELTON. Another mug is the man who has lent money to a relative of the wife and persists m regarding it as an asset. :t 3i !> "Old Reader, Pestered with Relations' writes mournfully to "Critic" asking advice as to what he should do at Christmas and New Year time. Answer: You nay your relations are planning to go to the seaside. Announce that you ore going to do likewise. Then, Stay at Home. You are Justified by the Law of Self-Preserva-tion. Also by the Peace on Earth section of Common Law In such case mode i and provided, i it t: it Divorce Court reports indicate that tho so-culled lower-class la becoming ns naughty us it has declared the socalled upper-claas to be. The life insurance canvasser can always be relied upon to call on a prospective client on his busiest day. : : : : : '• Tho man who persists m making eyes nt another man's wife musn't [ complain If he gets one discolored. ! If you feel "too full for words." ro !to tnul. A night's repuao is a great i jiicU-me-up. i «i :t it Soviet Russia has decided to abolish [ Christmas celebrations and holidays. It ha» not y«t barm announced what day will be fixed fof the annual wash. Maybe the wash is also to be abolshedl t : i : s : Some folk think aJJke. Others don't think ut all. "Critic" sympathises with the turf patron wliomo horse wiih killed at a n'ccnt »■!»<•»■ mooting. Wo lmvi> often Uitit a Html arid Know the feeling. « : : : : : "Whttt <lo men fog In drink?" hhUh a correspondent. It isn't what th««y «<•<•. dear frli-ml. If it were, the mlcrom'opo would be kept huny In th«»st? day* of mcnHurlng-thlmblea and thick glaasea. : : : : : : "Critic" has rertd of v lot of rndurtmco tt»»itH, but not of a content of ihut kind nmong »ho more or I?** patient patients of dcntlstM. v j: t» Ladies consider a pood bunt m nfc^iisnry for a koo<l fl|?urf\ btu •'Critic'" eonnWiorH « Rood Hgure I* r.tcewiary for a good bunt

[Mr. Massey, commenting on the criticism of his Belfast speech, said: "They can't shut me up."]

Should wo knock a roan down they collar and gaol us, And Into the cooler, we go for a stretch: For criminal libel they nab or they nail uh, And. beg of the Benoh: "Hang : the infamous wretch." There are laws against this and the other, I claim, Fashioned to keep us from courting disgrace, But where is the- law that the lawyers can aim At the man who keeps talking till bluo iv the face?

Of railroads to heaven, and other such schemes. The world ia fed up absolutely, I guess, And from bllthory argument, ream upon reams, It sighs m the hope of substantial redress. Yet- there's nothing else for it than kid we're resigned. Says tho orator chap: "I'll never bo fined. You can't shut me up 'cause I've made up my mind To ramble right on till I've talked you all blind." —"Frank Dec"

Oneo-upon-a-time we used to enjoy a tender little sucking-pig for Christmas dinner. Now we are lucky if we can afford a pig's trotter. , Some people who have " decided to stay at home for the holidays because they don't desire a change probably have none. • A Wellington paper advertises a ''Gas' Rooker" for sale. "Critic" always thought that he had_the only one of that brand m existence. William Massey declared that Free Trade was the cause of Britain's troubles. British electors who have so i debacled tha Protectionists couldn't j have read our Pri minister's advice. Or else they read it, and knowing him, ignored it. . "Critic" recently attended an auction sale where he found certain classical llteraturo described as "furniture." It was too high up to ' be sat upon. "Ornaments" wQu!d have been a more appropriate designation.

t: Some people lose their heads and make an awful t UBS. "What would they do if they lost something valuable?

:: tt The man who yells himself hoarse at an el«ction meeting If usually an asa "Spearmint" as* surea u» that m thorough* bred brays.

Don't tip the waiter or the porter too generously. He might embarrass you by the fervency of his "Thank you." And it sets a bad example.

That prisoner who appealed for leniency tho other day "because he was a father of eight" must ihavo married young.

The outstanding part m tho pantomime was that played by the donkey (says a contemporary). Yes, yes, but which ono?

«» :: ti It may. bo easier, to make enemies than friends, but why stop working?

Cranks aro necessary to start some cars. Who else would use that kind of car?

Few people live long enough to know whether tho surgical operation prolonged their life.

' These young yachtsmen who take their lady friends out for a trip should rest content with hugging tho shor*. ' :: :: i:

It is ridiculous to say that the number of ladies is decreasing. We see more of them evory day— and night.

Many of our big people would be bitterly disappointed If (bey read their own obituary notices. Others would blunh. Is there a happy medium to let us know?

it it n What do they know of freedom wh» only Russia know?

tt it it To "Houuewlfe": You may claim to be experienced when you realise that the dust Is very little thicker If you wait until the third day. Th« fourth day may soot oven better.

Vanity cases have replaced snuff boxes. Anyway, most glrla theae day* are up to snuff.

11 " » Some people go to the movies "for thrills, nut "Critic" contends that rushing two blocks to a pub at 6.59 i* the nearest thing to a thrill on the face of the earth.

If man had a shapely neck ho would probably follow tho example of lh« ladiea and grin and baro it.

The "best" peoplo m society are often the worst na nslghbors when a little real help Is needed.

The only chance of some people to occupy an Important position is when they monopolist} i)ji> highway.

Time means mon«»y, especially on tho time payment Hystem.

Next week we may be excused for preparing for the present and not for tho future.

If you ftn< fiuWHsfu! you. have dobU; if you fail the debtii have you.

Fo»n<> miMi cannot expnvw lht«lr lnv« In word* but the woman Is usually Mll*t\r<\ if thoy ran do It In figured. Some flßiirca mny nppwl to tho men, but ottuTrt have nn equally great attraction for the ladles.

Ono advnntugo of living In a free country \n that you may vote for aorocono to whose politic* you u re strongly opposed. When you do this it Is because you havo a grleraaoc