Wit and Humour.

Diinty. — Grumpy old person — "Look here, young woman, if this is tea, bring me some coffee ; but if this is coffee, bring me aomo tea !" " They ought to have a little girl show as well as a chicken show," said Mollie. " I dess there's lot of people who'd like^to see me." Little Beth (in the country)— " Grandpapa, you must have to keep an awful lot of policemen out here." Grandpapa — " Why, Both?" " Oh, there's such a lot of frrass to keep people off !" Better at home. — Doctor A. — " I wonder you do not advise your patient to have a thorough change —go to Italy, say." Doctor B. — "My doar fellow, I really couldn't afford to let him go." Purchaser (angrily). — You told me this home could go with the speed of the wind. It was all I could do to get into town befor« noon. Dealer. —He ain't had no fair show yit. Wait till ye turn him home'ard. Going home he's greased lightnin' ! The late drought. Brown — " I'd like to see it rain all night ; wouldn't you?" Jones—" Well, no ; I fancy I would rather hear of it in the morning." '• A girl at our school," said Tommy, "is called Postscript, because .her name is Adeline Moore." Uiuor — "This steak is remarkably fine." Wiiitor— "ls it really, sir? You must lavo got the steak I intended for that gentleman who tipped mo." The young comedian had announced his intention of essaying the part of Ifamltl. HU sister was rather annoyed at his audacity. "Isn't that rather ambitious?" she asked. "Well," replied he, "what of th.it r" Wasn't Julius Ciesar ambitious ?" " Yes, of course," said she, " but hardly to thut extent!" Husband—" You have been worrying me for live years because you weren't as well drossed as Mrs. Nextdoor." Wife — "Well?" "Well, he's failed— can't pay his debts." " Did he owe you anything ?" "No." "Humph! I can't see what that has to do with my clothes." " I am very glad to have been of any comfort to your poor husband, my good woman. But what made you Bead for me instead of your own minister?" '\Well, si-, it's typhus my poor husband's got, and we didna think it just right for our am dear minister to run the risk." A delicate way of putting it. — Bill (threateningly) — " Dyer mean to say I'm cheatin' yer?" Jim (urbanely)—" Cheatin 1 me, BfflP Nothin' of the sort! Wot I moan's to say is, if yer think I didn't see yer slip them three ' alleys ' inter yer weskit pocket, you're a cheatin' yerselj'V Inquiring Philosopher — ' ' To what do you attribute the increasing number of old maids hereabouts?" Astute Native — " I couldn't say, but seems to me as if it might be due to the increasin' number of old bachelors about here." " How much a week do policemen get ?" aoked the lady of thefixedpoint at her corner "Twenty-five shillings a week, mum." " Indeed ; and all found ?" " No, mum," replied the truthiul bobby, " we are never found." Customer — ' ' I bought some medicine here yesterday for my dog, and after I gave it to him he died. What do you mean, anyway? I didn't tell you I wanted to kill him." Druggist — " You said he belonged to your wife." "John," she said, "there's nothing I eujoy more than reading the last words of great men. I wonder what your last words will be." '• Maria," ho replied, " the last word is something that I never expect to have." And this was the first time on record that he got it. Sold!— Butoher— " Hero you are, lady. Buy! buy! Pino pair o' logs, ma'am." 51ms Spinks — " You rude man, how dare " Butohor — "Lor 1 , ma'am' I mean legs o' lamb ! There ain't no lamb about you !" Patient — "Do you think of a warmer climate forme, doctor?" Doctor — No, no; not yet." Mrs. Wobbles — " I shall never forget, dear, how idiotic you looked whoa you proposed to me." Mr. Wobbles (with emphasis) — "I was idiotic." Smithers — "How old are you?" Miss Randolph — " Oh, I don't tell my age. As old as I look." Smithcrs (with deep fooling-) -"No!" A Boston broker, whose mind was full of stock quotations, was askod a few days ago how old his father was. " Well," said he. abstractedly, '• the old gentleman is quoted at SO, but there is evory prospect of lii« reaching par." Little Gladys— " Granny, go down on your hands and knees fora moment, plo.-i.se." Fond Grandmother — " What am 1 10 do that for, my pot?" "'Cause I wants to draw an elephant."