PERSONAL PARS.

NZ Truth, Issue 62, 25 August 1906, Page 1

PERSONAL PARS.

, The Hon. T. Y. Duncan, ex-Minis-ter for Lands, has told a country newspaper reporter that "the Premier has given me a holiday and I believe I shall be greatful (sic.) for it rather than otherwise." And a "greatful" country gently, whispers, '"ear, 'ear !"

"Most people believe that the Rt. Hon. Mr Seddon is now m heaven (says the "Gisborne Times"). Many more .had f oddly wished that lie had been translated thither more than a decade ago, and .all have fondly hoped that he had found a resting place free from the worries of politics." But he hasn't. He has appeared m the spirit to af body of spook-raisers m Warragul (Victoria) and has given them some political Rointers, and Warragul ain't heaven by. a hellova long way !

"Jonah" Mills has, since Sirjoe gently heaved him overboard from thc ship of State, received many messages of condolence. Here is one, published m Mills own paper, the "Pelorous Guardian" :— "Hon. C. H. Mills, Wellington. When Te Kooti wanted a fair wind on his way from the > Chatham Islands, he thirew one of his crew ' overboard, so now the .same occurs to you. Accept my sincere . sympathy." This is rubbing it into Jonah with a vengeance.

Julius Caesar is not dead, though his demise has been reported. At a meeting of the Pover.tv Bay Farmers' Union it. was decided to recommend the Department of Lands to forbid Government valuers to deal m land. Mr Julius Caesar, who drew attention to the matter; said the practice was .open to abuse. He quoted an instance m which a valueroffered a property holder who objected to his valuation a certain price for land. The offer was accepted, and the valued was reported to have afterwards sold the land at a very large profit. Mr Brutus and Mr Cassius were not nresent. Their apologies for non-attendanoe were accepted.

That chic, petite joli chere, Miss Olive Armstrong, who held her daily levee of Wellington swells and young bloods, at the Clarendon, left for Christchurch on a holiday trip on Monday- She and her cheerful "sure" will be much missed, but as the little lady has higher ambitions the .change may be for her eventual advancement, m life. Here's a < health to her.

She could whisper and smile and sigh, Pleading, flattering, so could the rest.

But, oh, the glance of her roving eye Would wile the babe from its mother's breast. 4

It would appear as though the ■world's sculling championship was competed for by a brace of spavined, wind-galled, broken-down crocks, and the one whose patohing-up stood the strain the longest won. It is 'said that*- Towns was so ill with^kidney trouble a week before the race that bis backers. thought of asking for a postponment. But with . a day's rest he threw it off. It • appears that Stanburv also needed a postponment, but foolishly did not apply. for it. Towns has a brother who is a wildeyed Salvarmist.

Charlie Cutts, the Ingestre-street fish-and-chips man, who is a bull-dog fancier and prize cup donor "on the side," had his litter of pups out for a stroll the other day, along wi' his pal, Joe Smith, when a snide swell edfed up and began asking about the "poops." When told by Cutts that he wanted £15 for the one dog puppy— j a coming bencher, sure, by the way— he began to belittle him and say he didn't look well. Now Joe can't bear to hear a word against the does,, even from really prospective buyers, let alone blanky hot air merchants, so he chipped m, m a confidential tone, with ; "Do you know what's the matter with him, Mister?" "No, what is it?" "He's liike you, my man, he's got the worms," drawled Joe ; and the plughatted expert crossed the street on a doe: trot! Another party, remarkably or'nary looking, and knowing as much about bull-pupa as *. _ pig-dog knows about purgatory, went to inspect the said dog pup up at the yard. He scrutinised him for a minute but could fine no one thing to say about him but, "He's an ugly little beggar, ain't he ?" Joe's disgust was too deep for words at the moment, but he turned and led the wav to the street. Then he looked thc little queer-face over and said gently : "See at here, Mister Dorgbuy, have you never heard that .people who live m glass houses shouldn't throw stones ?" The prospective buyer is thinking it over yet and wondering; if "the bearings bf this observation lies m the application on it I"

Does anybody know this "jocker," as Jim the Milker spells it? The extract is from Sydney "Truth" of August 12 :— "Charles Percy Hanson, a New Zealander of vast ideas, was on Thursday at the Water Police Court given 14 days' time to pay a board bill for himself and pal which he had run un at the Langham Hotfel. Hanson pitched a tale that he had refused £3500 for the N.Z. rights of a patent which he would not part with for £30,000. He had squandered £50 during;, that time, mostly m drinks at the hotel, but m court he had : the appearance of an out-of-work artisan somewhat good on the flute. <

American doctors are going stark, staring mad on disease-discovery. Here's one trick •.—"Franklin Murphy an Irish athlete, has been refused admission to America, on the ground that the looseness of his skin prophesied has incapacitation inside two years." A couple of years ago two splendid /young fellows from Tasmania were blocked and kept aboard the Sierra at 'Frisco, on the -ground that they ha f d trachomea; and the fool Yank doctors vowed they'd be eyeless inside 12 months. They've lived long enough since and have eyesight keen enough to see the wheels coing round m the heads of those alleged doctors. '

„,' w w w John Hassett; 35, of the Golden Rule Hotel, Pirie-street, Adelaide, has a sweet and gentle helpmeet., •The other night, as John lay, sleep- . m"- his fond wife went out to tjie wo.od-shed and procured the 'family axe, with which she proceeded tofondle and : otherwise dilapidate her ' John. She broke and entered his marble brow with one. love-tap and. scarped bis bronzed cheek; y wi't&._ ; : i_a£_ other. Then she sat down and watched his ghastly struggles and hearkened unto >. his hideous, choking, stertorous breathing, till the -John Dunns blew m and pinched her. Hubby was wheeled to the hospital with a three inch fracture of the forehead I and a smashed jaw. It appears that the poor, frail wifey was jealous and wanted her Johnny to know it. He had probably murmured "Oh, my Dolores" m his dreams, and her own name was Bridget Keturaih. She felt she must win back his love, or die of a fractured heart ; so she farmed his brow with the wood axe.

If David Harum ever existed and.; read the following tribute of one J. E. Wilson, of Okoia, to the memory . of a deceased, as printed m a recent issue of the "Wanganui Chronicle," it's hard to say what the old horse-, dealer would have drawled out. This*: is how Wilson testi-monialises -,:— - --"Sir,—By the death of Mr, Hogg I am reminded of a circumstance which took nlace more, than thirty years ap-o. when: he bought a horse of me. My price was £27. but he -would] only give £25 because of a slight j crack m the hoof. Shortly after-? -j wards he sold it .for more than the figure I had asked and, to my utter amazement, sent me the £2. Up to this time we were strangers to each, other but I need not < state the, opinion I at once formed, of Mr penry Hogg.— l am, etc." David Harum, said of all deals m horse-flesh, "Do' unto the other feller the way he'd like to do unto you — an' do it fust." Evidently Mr Hoe-"* was not born tobe a hoss-dealer, and his -halo should be triple-gilt..

That horribly, smelly Dalley Divorce case came „to an end m Sydney last week when Judge G. B. Simpson dissolved the marriage of W. B. and his wife (who had cross-petition-ed, when he went 'for a decree on the ground of her adultery with his own brother) finding for the wife ' and allowing her alimony and costs. The case was a rotten one. The brother and William Bede's wife were certainly indiscreetly pally, and he told his smoking-room friends that one lovely thinn- abou|i Dolly (or whatever was her nickname)- was that her breath was -always so sweet m thc morning, and naturally his brother wanted to know how he knew ! The three travelled Europe, together and Billy took alonn- a girl from Jay's, 'named Kitty Cowell, whom,, he owned at the trial, he had cohabited with and whom he actually imported from England to give evidence m his favor ! M He also said at the trial that he .felt that he must, m honor, marry her, if he got his freedom, after bavin"- dragged her into the case. He has since openly carted his Kitty around Sydney, but it remains to be seen whether she will marry him, even if he wants her to. William's original income from bis patriot-orator fcither's estate was £1250 per annute, but it was stated m court . that he'd mortgaged it down to £450. His wife was allowed £1,700 costs and Dallev's own ran into £6,000! Kitt'll be apt to think twice before she takes on ugly, vulgar little Billy and love m a cottag-e, at such a figure..

Mx '•#£_;' Alien, M.H.R:* lias agreed! to give 'an address. bh "Sidelights oa Parliamentary Life." If he mentions where he viewed them from ttietf should be interesting. Those - of the refreshment room generally are pretty bright ; and those on a night sally of Members ; oh, hush !•

The cable informs us th,at Ebenezen Vickery, M.L.C., Sydney, y is dead m England. It was up to 1f1m... The old money-grubbing Wussleen wowser had scored about 86 before Deathr took his wicket, and he will probably; cut up for half a million, as he waa a large city property owner , m Sydney, his magnificent Pitt^-street blocfc •of freehold and offices being alone probably worth £100,000. He was m nearly every sound syndicate going and had large manufacturing in•terests! His sons are already grey, old men, so his hoarded dross won't be squandered by this generation:; .anyhow. ■.','"

About a couple of years ago tha giddy octogenarian married a p^undg, middle-aged spinster who was ; .» member of his church arid great 6% s stuffing- religion (and something qt charity) into the poor. Her firsj; act was to indube her Ebby to purchase outright the big Lyceum Theatre and turn it from the services of the Devil to that -of the Loard. The pub m the block was closed, recone siructed and opened as a poor people's penn'orth, where newsboys the very impecunious get'ched| ; feep with religion "on the side," 'as^Hlhb Yankees say. The dressing^oom'ss and offices were transformed into -ai sort of -Bethel Cfub and the grand! auditorium that used to ring with the sonorous or vibrant tones of mala and female histrionic stars, now rumbles with the ranting roars of Chad-band, Stiggiris, Pecksniff and Co. — when the place is , not given, over to a living picture 6how, which. f it not infrequently is-

; .[a%6 ladyHlo-ye : , otv, his s^le^yea^ >„ also persuaded hex old man to buj^~ up, lock, stock and barrel, a notorious gambling den- and two-up school near the back, or. Castlereagh-street,, entrance of the Lyceum and start it as a sort of sucking V.M.C.A. She had to dowa y Apollypn, even if it bust old Eb. ! Then she waxed am-, bitious m other" lines— her lines, at* home being slender— and got her patriarch tota-ke her to England. They,, . went via San Francisco and were m the big tremblor but cleared East as soon as. things settled down. In Fog-, land Mrs Vickery shook off the staid black and jee passementerie,' of the .colonial middle-agea (she's anything from 35 to 42 m appearance) colonial Wussleen woman and was presented at Court m. a dress the very, description of which would have given old Eb. a blue fit five years ago and which must have cost. him. thousands of pounds.

It is probable that Mr Vickery's marriage was brought about by ' a circumstance that occurred shortly: previous to it and when he had no notion of marrying again. He felt a bit dull and run down and took a irip to Tasmania, accompanied by his preftty little typewriter. The "Bulletin" woman scribe, dangerous, as all women writers are, published a par. averring that he had married his typewriter and gone on his honeymoon, whereas he only took thedear girl along as private secretary; of j course, of . course ! Bbby went for the "Bully" and other papers whose she reporters had copied the naughty, .story, but compromised on a hospi-tal-su'bscriptiOn-cum-apolojrv basis.

Maybe he got a scare, or the typiste became exigent, and asked, "Where do I come m," or something and he rushed into the mature arms of his fellow church and mission worker for safety and incidental^ for comfort and cuddle to soothe hi's declining years. Mrs' Vickery, if he has left her solid, can follow her own bent now, and it. will be extremely, interestin-- to note whether travel has expanded her mind beyond Li.tjils Bethel and the confidences and s-h-e^ herding of Stiggins and Co. ; if she will marry a younger man and get her little bit of comfort and cuddle before ace creeps on and chills her blOod, or if— oh, a lot of ifs. You never know what a woman will do when she becomes suddenly a rich and presentable widow., ■

Our old friend Constable Baker, of Taihape, came very near to getting a stripe the other night. It appears he got wind of a crib m Utiku where the illicit whisky bottle was wont to go the rounds, and with three mates he set out to track the sly-grogger to his den. He decked himself out m slouch hat and huge, muffler, but unfortunately the night was dark and the disguise counted for nothing. He ambled up to the door of the shanty and pretending he was very bad with influenza or measles or something he called for a whisky. But alas, how fatal it is to be possessed of a sweet voice. As soon as he .opened his mouth the good lady called to her husband, saying, "Here's Constable Baker wants . to see yer." So Baker and his gang meandered back to Taihape wiser* sadder ; and thirstier*. men a