THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 62, 25 August 1906, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can. undaunted brave the Critic's rage ? Omote-unmoved his mention m the Critic's page? Parade his -error m the public eye"? .--And Mother Grundy's rage defy-?

Dark_esSr.<oii "the hills- • around-"Wel-lington is like charity. '• » .a m

In some of our city hotels the "rooms" are so small that the porter has to use a corkscrew to get the ■roomers out of a morning.

'Applied science ! Bowrey Brothers, the Sydney scalemakers, have made a . scale for the use of Dalgety and Co., at Brisbane, which will weigh from' 7fts to -60 tons.,

Mr Crow is to be the private secretary of the Hon. Mr Fowlds. This is not a case of birds of a feather iaftockih-g together. _It is a wonder /FowMs did • not go m for a hen.

The civic authorities m 'Frisco have been unable to banish the Chinese from the centre of the city. Surely they have powers of resump-: tion? But perhaps they wanted the land absolutely for nothipg.

Employees m dairy factories are the latest m the attempt to form a Union, and it is somewhat surprising seeing what advances Unionism has made m God's Own Country, -that such employees have not taken the initiative before to-day. -One argument m a circular to employees is that the Union will secure reforms. Yes, and it might abolish child-slavery, too ! . They ought to elect Jim- the Milker president. a ... »

The lecturing Maori woman who recently attracted a larire number to Papawai, (says a Wairarapa paper) and whose treatment of patients includes the inward and outward application of liberal doses of brandy, is now at Otak.i. The Wairarapa natives were so enamoured of the new doctrine (tenets of which are cleanliness and the education of Maori nurses) that many left for Otaki by train to imbibe more of it.

It is an absolute fact -t^at m ,sqmer, Wellingtdij; y%^-^^^^gl^&^^; -Hid an-d' no robhi to deposit even' a^ sfnall handbag.

Can anybody tell what thp follow-,-ing paragraph, culled from a Sydney •paper, , means, at all ?— Foresighted New Zealanders argue that three months and not "thirteen" ought to be ample for the rocks-in-sulphur-lakes-Island-Farliament, but members can't see m m the same volcanic' light. ■ y

A well-known Wellington commercial got a shock the other night while down South, on receiving the following telegram, from his wife : "Twins arrived to-night. More by mail." He went at once to the nearest office and sent the following reply :— • "I leave for home to-night. If more come by mail send to dead letter office. 7 '

Wellington meat supply is sometimes very inspector-of-nuisancey. A delivery cart, standing outside a. Cuba-street hostelry one day this week, sent a tail of horrible stink right down as far as the Royal Oak corner and caused quite a, ru&h to the bars of the said -hostelry for large doses of germicide. If a little cart can hum like that, what price the shop it conies from?

The local fish market is so ill sup-, plied that twice during the last week the fish a-nd chip shops had to close, and one was their harvest day, Saturday. It is not alj because of poor harvest., Most of it is because the middlemen would sooner supply Christchurch than Wellington. At the former they get 2s a bundle for wharehou, for- instance, and m Wellington only Is. But, when carriage ahd losses are deducted, the local bob yrill be found sweeter than the distant florin. "Oh,- the brave music of a distant drum." ■'._'' ' "■,■

During the past twelve months the-' Whole of the Gisborne churches hawe-* lost their ministers by death. With-i out wishing any of the gentlemen, any harm, could it not be arranged so that such pestiferous,, meddlesome-stink-raisers as the Revs. Gibbs,.. North and Fairclough and Rugby* Pratt, the Westport widowTpersecutor, should receive "calls" to Gisborne.. Such a place, after all, has.* its uses.

Wellington "missys" ought to godown on their marrow-bones and thank their lucky stars they're not m Russia, where it is unlawful to give' kisses m public A fci^s m the street is penalised' by a fine of 15s, and on a tram-car by a fine of a guinea. Declaralrion of love on a post-card •renders the sender liable to a fine of 10s. God alone knows what the real thing would fetch. , Probably life m the Sibeiria salt-mines. Fortunately here m Wellington we -have our hillSi • .■* . • * • '

T A "whisper"; from ; .the co-* lumn of the ; " Otago Daiijr. Times" : TALL, Dark Gentleman (between*;! 1 40 and 50, powerful voice, with-i comfortable home and small capi- i tai) wishes to meet or correspond' 1 with Young Lady, view to matrimony. — ■ Address Gramophonist, , Clyde.

A powerful voice m these days of .pro-* fessiqnal politics is a fine asset., It* would be useful m a domestic storm, . too, But a powerful arm to wield ' the wood-axe would be a more sure:dependenc&;for the Yotm_rsLa-dy;4«rf?-h-»s perspective.;

. Writin^-of health in-single-blessed mess and wedded bliss, a woman wxi*i ter says that men and women take*a"! lot of open-air exercise. while courting, and very little after marriage. This deponent, being a lonely bachelor, can't speak as to the amount o& -exercise married couples indulge m, but he is dead sure that courting cow. pies m Wellington get plenty of opea; air exercise as IS exercise !.. T-herctj ain't a qniet spot m the city and] mountaineering is absolutely unavoidable if lovers want to cuddle unobserved And it is wonderful what a lot of hill-climbing Wellington girls will' cheerfully undertake !

There are burglars and burglars.; Some burglars make great gains with little risk and others undertake, enormous risk for little gain. The other night, f'rinstance, a burglar broke into ,the crocodile cage of a menagerie at Vienna to steal an alligator. The saurians soundly slept, but when the Austrian for Bill Sikes (Pwlzclsy Czcjzjcc'iz) went to heft one of about sft long, it woke up, smiled an open smile and when it shut its face again Pwlz's arm was m it. Then Master Crocoga-tor went to sleep again and Czjzi, etc., started to say things out loud. The sharp grating and clashing of his j's and c's against his z's and-pwr's aroused the circus blokes, who came, and with much travail, released him. But wotinel'd he want to steal an alligator for, anyway, is what knocked the Viennese Poljzcse bandy.

Says, a Sydney , paper,,, apropos the iThe_>crowd:.;Oii; SatUrd^y^^^-pr^t^ Stan-; .in 'a disgraceful: mshibn. ; -..ie says' that all the water in' the Pacific Ocean would, not have washed him clean m their sight. It is hard enough for a plucky man to-be beaten ; to be abused and threatened because he failed must be galling,

Parramatta is the oldest town m Australasia; and at this, late day its water supply has absolutely failed. While we have been half drowned, the county of Cumberland has been enjoying a determined winter drought, which-, has only just broken up a little.

From the "Gisborne Times" : LOST— Pair ladies' lace-up boots, between town and Bridge Hotel.— Reward on returning to this office. Do the Gisborne girls, then, disrobe even to their boo^s, when they are but o' nights ?

While an employee was sawing a log at Wackley's '.mill, m New Kent, Richmond, Virginia, recently, the circular saw teeth struck the fuse of an old embedded shell, causing an explosion that carried away the top of the mill and shattered the building. The employee was only slightly hurt. Some 'of the old Confederate veterans said that the shell was evidently thrown from a Federal gunboat, while a battle was raging near Glendale, Va.

Serious discontent exists, amongst the rank and file of the workers m the Government shops at Hillside, Dunedin, (says a local paper).' The arbitrary and autocratic methods of some of "the 'bosses' is responsible, and m the interests of all concerned an inquiry is necessary. It will be a job ,for the 'prentice hand of- the new Minister of Railways.

If rumor speaks correctly, the public of the Wairoa may shortly be interested m some startling disclosures and divorce proceedings connected with incidents which are alleged to havo occurred on ,ohe of the river steamboats. Those captings and mates arc the-divil an' all wid the girls:

I Taihape will soon be of sufficient 1 importance to rank among the civilised towns. The theatre hat nuisance has made its appearance. The :Taylor-Carrington combination was. Un that way recently and a number ot ladies arrayed- themsleves m the front, seats and their head-gear ' formed a ' three-quarter eclipse of the proscenium. Some bushies at the back objected, as they reckoned they were not out to- inspect millinery, whereupon the gallant young gossoon who,, writes things for the local rag threatened to give themy m charge for filthy language. This young •gentleman's idea of filthy language .seems to be about -as hazy as the "Evening Post's" idea' of filthy post- ; ;oards.

'A 1 Palmerston- North pig-breeder Jiad to face the Beak last week, .<charged with. feeding his swine upon .dead horse. He was found "Guilty. yer Worship," and imed j£B 16s. .Considering that an' Auckland gent, was fined £50 for practically the same offence Palmerston seems a t good place to raise pigs in— almost ,as good as Chicago. Fancy nice, streaky bacon 'fed upon dead horse, and JnGod's>-Qwn too !

r -The Taihape Borough- Council re-, squires the services of a town clerk, who shall be borough treasurer, rate collector, valuer,, returning officer, liealth and sanitary inspector, registrar of dogs, clerk ot works, and engineer. They are offering .£l-50 per annum !', The Taihape Borou-gh Council doesn't want a clerk-, it wants a blanky marvel.

The generous parson again. In ■•Westport there lives a widow woman with a family of eleven dependent, upon the takings of her little shop. This woman sometimes sells sweets and fruit on Sunday. This annoyed the Rev. M. A. Rugby Pratt (Wesleyan persuasion) and he wrote the: lollowing charitable letter to the lady : "Madame, with reference to our conversation of yesterday on the matter *of Sunday trading, I beg to inform you that I have taken legal advice, and that such trading as you admit is distinctly illegal. In the moral interests of the community, and particularly of the children who have been spending their missionary money m sweets, etc.. I am determined to stop the practice. I shall take occasion to bring , the matter before the Ministers' Association next week and meantime will ask police-sergeant Cullen to ■ exercise " a viligant oversight. I have no desire to inflict hardship upon you but such disregard of the law of the land and of the law of God, with its consequent und-ermining of • the characters of the children calls for effective protest." It was those missionary tlirumbo that rubbed the raw.

.•_^9?sßl!^ ;^gig^|y^^^p^|c^ars;y ;■ - -r\ .. -\r^y.\^ : :-' y,-;..y :' y#;.' -. '*•_' ;.- -■.'*'.:' ■"'■'■' Is there hot a man m Westport. who is man enough to give, the Rev. M.' A. Rugby Pratt a damned good horsewhipping for his brutish persecution of the shopkeeping widowed mother of eleven ? * * '• !

Speaking at Kumara, Mr Thomas Seddon said he would, like to impress upon them : that they have not got the Premier of the colony for a member now. therefore .they must not expect 'too much, but he would do his best to procure a fair share of public money. Thomas really, ought not to give the show away like that. ,

The daily papers pay high tribute to "Truth." Scarcely a subject has been taken up by this paper recently, but has been subsequently handled along the same lines by the morning and evening, papers, that previously saw nothing m the conditions or deemed the subjects beneath their dignity. "Truth" is a good spur to journalistic sluggards. y -'

Captain. Adair and , Lieutenant Dathan, who tried to nagivate a million and a half's worth of H.M. battleship Montagu, across Lundy Island, off the coast, of Devonshire, on May 30, have been dismissed the ship and the Ist luff' also loses two years' seniority. Might as well have been 200, for they" are neither of them likely to get another ship after such a verdict as to their qualifications.

"What's m a name ?" great Shakespeare made sweet Juliet ask. -Well, m a civil suit m the Magistrate's Court last Tuesday, the parties wfcre Keene and Porter, whose legal representatives were Beere and Stout. Why, it's dogs-nose and black and tan from beginning to end. And the cables this week, mention the failure of the hop crops m Kent, too. The verdict was- not. half and half, though.

W. G. Riddell, S.M.. who, while Dr. McArthur is presiding at the Wool Commission has come up specially from Dunedin, to take over "the Doc.V magisterial duties m Wellington has by no means achieved what Micik Josephs would call "an instantaneous success.". To come up before Dr. McArthur when m good humor, is a pleasure to some "drunks," who, if they have not been making the pace too merry, stand a 'chance of a "conviction and . disi charge," but with Riddell'their chance is Buckley's. He does not look with favorable eyes on an occasional lapse and all's gjrist that comes; to. ihis mill. Riddell, S.M., however is. young, quiet and unassuming, and won't stand any nonsense from the 6s 8d brigade. Hence his "unpopularity,"

A loatl is ' removed from our bosoms, for now we know all about it and how it began. The "Temuka Leader" was tha deus ex machina and it modestly tells a palpitatingworld the strong of it :— "The Hon. the Premier' did exactly as we suggested with regard to the Exhibition difficulty arising out of the resignation of Mr .Robert Allan. We pointed out that two strong men with equal powers engaged m the same work could not get on without friction, and that it was to this the trouble was due. We suggested that the duumvirate management should be, changed to a triumvirate, that is, that instead of having two Commis-^ sioners, to appoint three, and let the majority rule. This is exactly what Sir- Joseph Ward. has done." Alone -. I did it '. But let's see, where is Temuka ?

The Kawa-Kawa (North Auckland) "Ka-Ka" tells sadly of the mishap that befell lamp-lighter "Mr J.. McCaughey" whose ladder slipped and caused him to fall and break his collar bone. There's no sense of humor to that Editor, or he'd have alluded to an accident to a lamplighter as having "cast a gloom over the community."

Fetch- the harp, my 'kindly devil, while I sing a song of doom, Of how o'er Kawa-Kawa there has dropped a dismal gloom. When McKacky went to light up and disnel night's creeping shadder, His intent was frusterated for he slipped his bloomin' ladder ; And as he bumped Gord's country with a dull resounding boom His spine drove through his collar 'bone and we are left m gloom ! We are stoum ! Give us room !

Hark the dull reverberation frdm the tomb. I would rather lose a dollar Than have seen McKacky's collar Bone be busted when dispelling of the gloom'! Boom ! Boom ! ! ! What a dull and sicknin' thud ; Nuff to curdle one's warm blood : : When lamplighter J. McKacky Came down bump On his honorable jacky, Eke his rump ! -