Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXIII, Issue 102, 1 May 1937, Page 26

Wit and Humour

Sentry: Halt. Who goes there? New recruit: Nobody. I've been, and I'm just coming back. She: Do you know why I won't marry you? ' •'*■'■•■ . . . . He: I can't think. ,■■ . ' She: You:-guessed it. ■ Willy: Is today-tomorrow,- dad? Dad: Certainly-riot. • ■■,-" Willy: But-you- said it was. Dad: Whenever did you hear me talk such rot?--' '.•■■' ' - ■','■'■ - - Willy: Yesterday.; ; '; "Look >here, landlord,"; the tenant, protested, "this roof is useless.; Every time it rains,we get soaked. How long is it going: to last?" v ■-, - ; '.'""..,■ ' "Why ask. me?" the landlord grumbled. : "What' d'ye take me for, anyway? A weather prophet? He was a tall, square-shouldered fellow. His moustache bristled, and his steel-grey eyes gleamed when he recounted his army.days. .. "Yes," he said, looking down at his insignificant • companion, "when I was in the Guards, the drill-was perfect. When we presented arms all you could hear was-'Slap; slap, click!' Were you in any. regiment, my good man? ; ; "Aye, sort of, ye know. I was in the Lancashire , Fusiliers-,"• !he replied. "Drill -wasn't so:bad, ye know, .When we was on parade and presented arms all you could hear' was 'Slap, slap, jingle'!"' ■■•"■ •" ' .'.'_■ ■ . "That's, impossible, sir," the Guardsman explained. , "How on earth did you get the 'jingle?"J '.- -' , . "On!" replied the man-in a modest tone, "medals!"' , ' .' She:' I like to read"something;with a punchin'it -■--..• : ,-, -;" ,;„ He: Why not get an omnibus ticket?

HORN. Repair Man: Shall I install a loud or S°O'Leary: Sjilst one with a dirty sneer. NO DIFFERENCE. Teacher: If you subtract 14 from' 116, VVT ao tm^yf4i!T Ctnlnkit.salotof foolishness, too. WHISKERS. Ernie: My uncle- can play the' piano y Gm-ney: That's nothing. My uncle fiddles with his whiskers. NO CHANGE. Tilson: I hear you had your brother-in-law to stay with'you for his holiaßilson: Yes. He came with a spare shirt and a pound note and didn't 'change either of them. EXTRACURRICULAR. A man in an insane asylum sat fishing over a flower bed. A visitor, wishing to be friendly, walked up and said: "How many have you caught today?" "You're the ninth," replied the nut. THE DIFFERENCE. At lunch time two office workers'in the city sat on a seat in the park. One was munching an apple, carefully examining the fruit between each bite. "Doesn't it make you mad when you come upon a worm in a nice apple you're eating?" remarked his com"No'"' replied the other. "It makes me mad when I come on half a worm." THE ONLY WAY. • Jack Jones, newly married, occupied furnished apartments, with which he was very dissatisfied. An acquaintance offered to let him a small bungalow at very low rent, but Jack said he couldn't afford to furnish it.' "Well, I've got enough spare furniture to start you," said the owner, "and you can pay weekly instalments on it with the rent." . Jack agreed, but during the first quarter didn't pay a penny for rent or instalments. Finally his landlord lost his patience. "Your heart must be a lump of pav-ing-stone," said Jack bitterly. "But you can do your worst! sell me up." SERVICE. Diner: Have you any wild duck? Waiter: No, sir; but we can take a tame one and irritate it for you. STRATEGY. Officer: Now, tell me, what is your idea of strategy? Cadet: It's when you're out of ammunition, but keep right on firing.

•APPROPRIATE TIME. Talkative Lady (on board 4:>hip): Can you swim? , Sailor: Only at times, man an. "Only at times! How strange; and when do these moments of ability come to you?" "When I am in the water, ) ma'am." PROTEST. Author: Have any recognitions of the publication of my work a. wived? Publisher: Yes, a man of 4h»e same name as yours has asked us to insert a notice that he is not the author. CORSICAN. Teacher:. Now, Janey, can you give me ■ 'Napoleon's nationality? Janey: .Course I can. ' v Teacher: Yes, that's correct. 1 ' i EFFICIENCY. . \ "How are you getting along since j your wife went away?" "Fine, I've reached the highest point of efficiency. I can put on my ; socks from either, end." ~ , WEBSTER'S, PLEASE COPY. , "Say," Dad, what is a genealogist ?" . "He's a bird that feathers his ne!;«t in somebody .else's : family tree." "• • • TEST OF MANNERS. IU is.told of, a sage that one i lay, after the fashion of his school, he -was questioned, "Master, what is the tesi'; of good manners?" ; "It is being, able to put up pleas; intly'with bad ones," was the quick reply. IMPOSSIBLE! "Hm-rh! Here's a story about a collar button found in a cows stomach." "That, must be a fake. How cou'U a cow get under a bedroom dresser1,.'.

LOST HIS REASON. A speaker at a meeting rose to support a motion that a year ago he had oDPosed. > "Some of you," he said, "may wonder why I.am supporting now the very thing I opposed last year. Well, I had a reason then. Now I have lost my reason." ~ ; ,; GHOSTLY. The mistress gave her maid a ticket for ■a" spiritualist: meeting.' The next morning she - asked- how the meeting had gone. > ..- ---"No, ma'am" .said the maid. Im afraid I don't hold with them spintUa"And:;.why:is that, Mary?" asked the mistress.- ■ '■- ■-■• ■ -i.- . "Well, ma'am,: I-went to that meeting hoping to find out what had happened to, my ear-rings which disappeared, ."arid 1 when I came away I found that my necklace had gone, too." ,-.:'. ,--„-. .;•;' ; CITY. GIRL. ■. '" "Oh,-- what a funny-looking cow!" said: the j fair' young ".yisitor. J ;from',the city. ' "Why.hasn't it any"horns?" ■• : "There are many reasons," answered the farmer, "why a cow'dpes not have horns.- Some are born: without,horns, and do not have any until the late years of their life. Others are dehorned. While still, other breeds are.not supposed to, have horns at all. So you see there: are many reasons why a cow sometimes does not have horns. But the-chief reason that this critter does not have any horns is that it isn't a cow at all. It's a horse." :■■'. ';'■'..... -CUTTING.-..- :'.', .' Green ;was regarded as.-the meanest man in the village. When Jones entered his fruit shop to purchase a few pounds -.of> kidney-:.'beans, Green :kepbalancing the scales to see that he did not give over-weight, finally breaking a bean-into halves to ensure the weight was: only just, correct. Jones picked up his change in disgust, leaving a halfpenny on- the counter. "You. haven, t picked ■'"■■.'•up- •■ all- your change, • sir, said Green: "It's all right," answerec Jones. "Keep that half-penny ;i I trod on a monkey nut as I came in." . AND GUNPOWDER. Young wife: Oh, dear, I don't know what, to use to raise my bread. Iye tried : everything. ' ~ ■-'~. Husband (in undertone): A derrick and two' Jacks ought to do it. ; A MATTER OF-TAPE.-A somewhat stout actor was late ior rehearsal1 one: morning, and .the producer -was annoyed. He said: ; Does anyone-know-where Blank is? .. _ "Yes" said one of Blank's friends, "he's gone to, the tailor to be measured o "Mea Ssu lred," shouted the producer, "You; mean'surveyed,': don't you? WORKMANSHIP AND ' DW%£& . A young man who had .-suddenly..in herited-a'.fortune decided to learn how to carry himself in. society. He went to a school of deportment, and a.bowing Frenchman begged him to rater. "Do you give lessons m depourhent?" inquired the young man _ "The best, m'sieu!" gushed the proprietor/ My system ees jerfect. Two weeks ago a young man-like you, rn'^ipn he-take only three of my lessons in * deportmenf-and yesterday he was deported^ ; -.' ::' A HINT. '.' - ' -..-■. A rforfor and a dentist shared the service^.o^a typist, and both fell m loThe Wdentistwas called away on, business -0 h?sent for the typist, and said, "I'm going to be away for ten days. YouUf fiSai'srlittle present -in your roShe"went,::in, and found ten apples. ' i NOT TOUCHED. The boss rang for the office-boy. "What's become of the. cigarettes in thp box dnmy desk?" he asked. ~ "Haven™touched them, sir," replied Why, there are only h^,^ n Theyre the ones I haven't touched!"v : -. .--. ' "&WELL ALIGHT. ,":; "Tc vnurson bright?" "He ought to me. He's burning the candle at-bbth ends."- •.■ . 1

STYLISH CLOTHES. A miserly man was approached 'by a friend who tried to'persuade him to dress more in accordance with his station in life. "I'm surprised," said the friend, "that 1 you should allow yourself to become shabby." ' I "But I'm not'shabby/' said the miser. "Oh, but you are. Remember your j father. He was always neatly dressed. I His clothes were always well tailored and of the best material." "Why," shouted the other triumphantly ./'these clothes I'm wearing were fathers!" VAHA! Officer: Now men, willyou fight ot will you run? Men: We will! Officer: Will what? Men: Will not! Officers Ah, my brave boys, I knew you would! : OBLIGING.' Grandma: Would rou like to go to the fair; and ride in the round-about, Child: I, don't really mind, if it will amuse you. . FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS. Manager (to , boy seeking employment): Weren't you here two weeks ago? And di'dn't I tell you I wanted an older boy? Boy: Yes, sir. That's why I've come back. NICE LAWK. "If I ask your father's consent tonight, darling, are there any grounds on which he can throw me out?" "Yes, there's a lawn in the front Of the house." WEIGHT LIFTER. ' "I heard she married an athlete." "Yes; it says in the paper he walked down the aisle with the bride on his arm." IN HOLLYWOOD. "Could ya spare a fellow a bite to eat ma'am?" "Marie, give that guy at the door what's left of those last three wedding cakes."

'...'■'<\ SUMMED .UP-V :'^ : - ; 1 MrsU Quack: What: are-..your , new: neighl >ours. like,- Mrs.- Quackmore? ' Mrs !. Quackmore: Not" much, .class. Hubby? says their, lawn mower has ruined ihis garden, and.the pan'l borrowed, Vwas distinctly .chipped. . ■ : •;.; ] ■.' .vAWKWARD/p ''%''[■:;■-. ;.' Pat:'.'bi'dislikes^new .boots::'. : '._". Paf 'i Cause Oi nivercan=git:. me fate into thi. in': till Oi've worn -'cm•■ a weet or so. -\ --.--v:--^-.-,--^--- :^--v--.^ I .... — -~ :■..■.- .■■• . 1 ■ I ■CORRECTED.;: ■■■.-' .'-' Lady i to tramp): Did you-notice the! pile of v w>od in theyard? ; : - "Yes'm■',*■ I seen .it." • ■;' ■• ■ ■-.■'-•'. "You £ foould mind; yourv-grammar. You mea v you;saw-it.". ;■"••,■/■ >•■ • ■ "No'm.- T You sawme^eerit.r.but you haven't- se en.me-saw;it".'-..::•..;.■.;'.■'., . .; ■ ■■.'-■ ' jINTERROTTED.; ;.'':. .1: "Henry; (you were" talking I>in. you* Sl'^i:;pr^lfSdrry;toAhaye,int*, rupted yriut" : •:-:/■.'■ :'" •■'; ■' '■ [ , ,': '':, /■■/-. ]■ ;;REGRET;^:;-;;;.^;;f ■. ■' Irate'Ma; eager: .You're Jnever.i-sati* fled. AVhy \ don'tyou like' the-part? . Leading.j Cady: Because I: dont, you Irate Mar pger:' And^don't'call/me'.S fool! 'Do you want every one, to-near?. Beading "I iady: I'm sorry:' vltdidnt know it wa i> a secret.; ;/■,.' , • ;■ , ' . . „■ - THE.CRITIC. -.■..}/:..<./.: A- rising .3 »pung -artist y was y showing a critic ' through :his .studio.. Tms picture," he f said, ■'.stopping1..: in -front of one of h6s early eflprte;- "15,0ne I painted to Ikeep, the .wolf., from ; my. ■ ""indeed!" r splied .the-critic. '".Thea •why don't yciu hang it;on..;the, door knob where tfc te wolf can' see it? : •. . . ,sm Krt, move.; ;■■■■' ;.. [ A telephone Jiumber was wanted,: but the inquirer . didn't .know,-either the name or add tess .of the^ firm, only the head clerk f.s name. -The operator had to. admit .■ she .was 'stumped, v r Back came x, be reply: "Never mina, I'll write to.the sm." ■"■■' ' ■ : " ■ ■; I ■ ■ '■ -" ■ ; :■'.■. ~ ■"■liusyoß..../.1 .'-.:■, . '■. Woman Patierfc (in.consulting room); Oh, doctor, I :olael- so depressed. 1 think. I.could. k|ll -myself.- ~ - - , Doctor (cheer.. &illy).:, Leave it, to me, madam; leave it i.j,to. me.' ' . . ' . ADDREt :|jS- WANTED. ■ The anti-tobaci to crank: was jholding forth. -, '\ ■'■:.'■■ ' ■'•■:• : ' "You go into\Et| tobacconists-shop, he bawled, "you place' '.a sixpence on the counter, and get a packet.of cigarrettes—and you gi !t more. - For in the wake of those ci garettes come beer, whisky, brandy, a nd— — ".'. .'.-■' "'■' - " 'Struth!" interr wpted one ;of his listeners, "who's blinkin ,- tobacconist?" ':..;' \ ..■•'•■'■■ .: •' PRACTIC P FIRST. : • ■ "I'llgive any m'aSi a fiver .who. caS drink, twelve pints:. jright off,".said the stranger in the; bar-! tjarlour. : , . . A little man, appa fently uninterested in the offer, immedi. itely drank up hi 3 beer and left. .". 1. ~■■'■ ' . . A quarter of an . frour later he returned and finding-trie ofifer still open, announced that; he w puld try it With-. out more ado he drank up the twelve pints that had been •/placed on the counter. The feat ';£ taggered the occupants of the. bar. '■', - ' ■ . > .■ "Well, I'm blpwedrfl said the: stranger, handing over a i fiver. I didn't think it was possible. T ':■ : "Net- did 1,5- said t ta httle:man,a trifle .breathlessly, "unll|l I'd been down to the 'Stag's Head' ai ad tried it,out!" DOUBLE DUTY. .' ' . The Chief Constable of a imall town was also ah expert s ijeterinary surgeon. One night the 'Helephone bell rang. The Chief Con Btable's wife answered it. ■ i "Is that. Mr. Barnes';r asked aa agitated voice. ■■•" :■■.■"..?. ■::,:■, "Do you'want my hvjsband in>,his capacity as veterinary, t Surgeon, or as Chief Constable?" ,: ,\ .-..'. "Both, madam,"- came t he reply. "W» can't get our new bulldc t-to open hi* mouth,: and there's a-. bui Iglar. in- it."