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War Wit, Volume 1, Issue 8, 1 September 1941, Page 6

'■ The teacher was interested in . • ■ - , • the announcement' by a little girl pupil that she had a new baby brother. “And what is the baby’s name?” the teacher asked. “Aaron,” was the reply. A few days later the teacher inquired concerning Aaron, but the ; little girl regarded her in perplexity. . “Aaron?” she repeated. “Your baby brother,” the teacher ' prompted. Understanding dawned upon the child’s face. “Oh, Aaron,” she Exclaimed. “That was a mistake. It’s Moses, He’s very very well, ma’am, thank you. Pa and Ma, they found we had an Aaron.” * * * As the second sponged the badlybattered features of the would-be world champion, he murmured in tones, of disgust: “It’s all right, Bill. We’ve sent for a private detective.” “What do I want a detective for?” asked the fighter. “He’ll help you find the chap you’ve been trying to hit during the last five rounds.” - ** . * - “Alice is as beautiful as a flour to me,” wrote the suitor, not .very strong in his spelling, when asking her father if he might marry her. “Is it the flour of my family your’re after,” replied her father, “or the dough?” J ' •' ■ . ■■ ' * * * The Irish make it plain that they will defend their neutrality without help from the British. They speak like brave, sturdy, independent people who have not read the papers lately. .... ❖ * * “Charlie was arrested for bigotry. He had three wives.” “Don’t tbe ignorant. You mean' • trigonometry.”

The girl kept on reading a book in the shelter while the bombs were falling. “For goodness’ sake put that book down,’ ’said her mother peevishly, “and pay attention to the air raid.” • * * * The young man had gone into a busy cafe for a snack, but all the waitresses seemed much too busy to attend to him. ‘ Eventually he managed to give his order, adding: “And I’m in a bit of ; a hurry—l’ll be registering with the next age-group!” <. . ■ . • **■ . *

* * ♦ Stern of eye, the business man was interviewing his daughter’s young man. “So you want to marry Mabel?” he demanded curtly. “Yes, sir,” stammered the young man. “I—we—l love her.” “Well, I can’t see my way to accepting your offer at present,” snapped her father. “But I’ll keep your name and address before me, and if nothing better turns up, you may hear from me again.”

A small boy had been called to give evidence on behalf of his father. When the boy stepped into the witness-box he looked just like a freak from the circus. A big Trilby hat was pulled down over his eyes, his coat reached down to his knees, the trousers he wore trailed on the ground 'under his shoes, whilst over one of his arms was a big umbrella, and his hands were covered with thick glives. The judge sat forward and stared. “Why do you come to the court like that, my boy?” he asked kindly. The youngster pulled a police summons from his pocket. “Look, sir, he said with a dignified air; : :it says here,,/To appear in his father’s suit’.” ** < * I know a very serious actor who Went and gave some bits from Shakespeare at a prison concert. When he’d finished he made a speech to the convicts, and he quoted some poetry: “Remember men,” he - said, “‘stone walls do not a prison make, nor iron bars a cage’.” “Blimey!” said a voice. “We must be all ’ipnotised!” ’,-»• • • . > * * * ' ■ : A well-known Dublin judge attended a function and left his hat and coat in the cloakroom. The attendant, who knew the judge by sight, did not give him a ticket. When the judge was leaving he was given his correct belongings. “You did not give me a ticket when I came in,” he remarked, “so how do you know these things belong to me?” “I don’t,” replied the attendant. “I only know that you handed them to me.” * * * A bright young lass called on the Air Force officials to see if she could get a job as an air hostess in an army bomber. ~/ C

A man who had been waiting patiently in the post office could not attract the attention of either , of the girls behind the counter. "The evening coat,” explained one of the girls to her companion, "was a redingote design in gorgeous lama brocade with fox fur and wide pagoda sleeves.” At this point the long-suffering customer-broke in with, “I wonder if you could provide me with a neat purple stamp with a dinky perforated hem. The tout ensemble deliberately treated on the reverse side with mucilage. Something about three pence.”

* * * She was plump, but very patriotic, so she thought it was her duty to tackle the young men she met about their duty to their country. “Young man,” she said to one, “why aren’t you in the Army?” “Same. reason you’re not in the beauty chorus,” he plied. “Physically unfit.” * * * Mistress: "Really, Gertrude, I must compliment you on the excellent way you have ironed these things.” Maid: “Yes mum, them’s mine. I’ll do yours the same if I get time.” * * * The -visitor was criticising wireless programmes/ "They use so much slang,” he protested. "There’s one phrase especially that annoys me—'the stuff to give the troops’.” "I agree with you,” said the host, “that slang should not receive official recognition.” “What would you like ’em to say?” chipped in the sixteen-year- ' old son of the house. “Something like this: Tn my considered opinion it is a commodity eminently suitable for .unrestricted distribution among the armed forced of the Crown’?”

A teacher in a country school was trying to impress on the minds of the small evacuees the meaning of A.R.P. .He asked the children to give their ideas of a perfect black-out, for which a prize would be given. Next day the answers were brought and the prize was awarded for this: A blind black man, dressed in a black suit in a coal cellar with the doors shut on a foggy night and without a light, groping among the coals for a blind black cat.”

‘No, 'I don’t know where my wife is. But wherever she is she had a cigarette in one hand and a weak no-trump -in the other.” > ;* * * The newcomer knocked on the pearly gates and St. Peter’s voice called, “Who’s there?” "It is I, ” answered the newcomer. "Well, get out. We don’t want any more school teachers.”

Algy decided to take boxing les- *■ sons. He is one of those tall, thin, nervous people who sometimes manage to get a reputatiton for great energy by reason of the fact that they are physically incapable of sitting still for more than a , minute at a time. Having found an instructor, he began his lessons in the noble art. He had a wonderful belief in his own powers of learning, and after the third lesson began to think that boxing was a very, much overrated accomplishment. It was too easy. He therefore began to hit ; out, but soon found himself on his back. ■ ■ ’ “I say, I say,” he complained; “it’s not necessary to knock me down like that, is it?” “Bless you, no, guv’nor,” answered the instructor. “Up you jumps, and I’ll show you thirteen other ways.” * * *

“So your husband’s in the army now, Mrs. Nagg?” “Yes, they’ve made him a gunner, an’ that’s what he’s been ever , since I married him!” “Always been a gunner?” “Yes, ever since I knew him he’s been 'gunner do this’ and ‘gunner do that,’ but he never did anything worth while!” * ■ * * My room-mate made inquiries About my sweetheart, Bess; He asked me: "Is she a nice girl?” . And I answered “Moralless.” \ ‘ ; .. . .7 / ■ / * * * . - ■ “Say,” look at the horrible insigna on the side of that bombing ’plane.” “Shh! Not so loud. That’s the squadron commander looking out the window.” ■•-.. . - ■. * * * Roosevelt’s freezing of .German assets made Hitler hot under the collar!

According to a Berlin newspaper the book-publishing business in the , German . capital is flourishing. There is,' a keen demand for best cellars. * * * “Now you men,” roared the ser geant-major, as he dismissed, the company, “you will parade again at two o’clock precisely. And when I say two o’clock precisely, I don’t mean five past. I mean five to.” * * * The cavalry recruit was instructed to bridle and saddle a horse. Ten minutes later the ser- ' gean-major came along for his mount and found the recruit holding the bit close to the horse’s head. “What are you waiting for?” he roared. “Until he yawns,” answered the recruit. ♦ ♦ * It is reported that a Swedish' scientist has invented a “lie detector.” A friend of ours is convinced he married one.

A little boy surprised his parents by refusing to be scared into, being good. “It’s no use telling me the angels will write down in their books if I’m naughty, mamma,” he said. “I might as well ’ tell you they think up in heaven that I’m dead.” “But why should they think that?” “Because I haven’t said my prayers for two weeks.” * * * ./ In the smoking-room the club bore was going strong on the subject of betting. / • “In my opinion,” he exclaimed, “it depends entirely upon the mistaken idea of getting something for nothing.” “That may -be. so,” said the man who always backed losers, “but most of us seem to get nothing for something?’ * * * “I never told lies when I was a boy.” : “When did you begin, father?”

“Give me a chicken salad,” said a man in a suburban restaraunt, r “Do you want the two shilling one or the two and sixpenny one?” asked the waitress. “What’s the difference?” “The 2/- one are made of veal and pork and the 2/6 one are made of tuna.” ■ s z ' ■ • ■ * * * The handsome life guard floated lazily out into the cool, refreshing water — his eyes closed, his whole body relaxed and content. He suddenly felt a soft, warm arm slide lovingly round his neck and still another glide tenderly caressingly over his sleek black hair. His eyes remained closed. It was too perfect! To romantic to stir! Slowly another arm closed around his chest. . "Then he languidly opened his eyes to greet this lovely maiden of his dreams. “My • God, an octopus!” * -, * * . ■ A lady was riding on the train with her son. The conductor came by and she said, “ A fare for me, and a -fare for the boy.” The conductor looked at the boy and said, “Lady, that boy’s got long pants on.”

“In that case,” said the lady, “a full fare for the boy and a half fare for me.” * * * ; “My voice filled the vast hall.” “And I noticed that it also filled the vast refreshment room.” “When I talk, people listen to me with their mouths wide open.” “Oh, are you a dentist?” * ♦ ♦ “You can’t sit on Daddy’s knee to-night—he’s had a busy day at the office.” * * * • ■ ■ ■■ It’s difficult these days to have our French lessons “without tears.”

Mrs. Brown (to her husband) : “What I say to you never seems to bear any fruit.” . Mr. Brown: “It might if 'you pruned it a bit.” -7 . ‘ * * * ■ . Blood-vessels do not burst so easily as some people imagine, a doctor: assures. To think of all the sympathy we used to waste on our sergeant-major. *♦ . • Mother (taking child to doctor) : “ ’E’s not well, doctor.” Doctor: “Poor little man! In pain?” Mother: “Well, it’s ’is ’ead, doctor. Been having it off and on since last week.” * * ♦ Two men were talking in a pub —a sailor and a civilian. “Well, Jack,” said the civilian, “I hear they are mixing the crews of Italian warships, half German and half Italian.” “Is that so?” said Jack. “Then they’ll have two chances now—to run away or scuttle.” ♦* * } f ■ ' - ■ During the black-out a rather fussy lady passenger found herself seated next to a man who had evidently imbibed freely. She said, in a loud voice: “Do they allow drunken people to travel on these ’buses?” The inebriated one roused himself and said: “Not as a rule, lady, but if you sit tight and keep quiet nobody’ll notice.”

* * * - c - / “Dear Dad: Wish you had come to the school. concert. We did ‘Hamlet.’ A lot of fathers and mothers came. Some of them had seen t it before, but they laughed just the same.” * * t * .. Britain still has a one-track mind: The road to victory.

' By the slowly moving stream sat an angler patiently watching his float resting on the water. Along came the usual inquisitive person. “How are they biting?” he asked sociably. “Not at all!” replied the fisherman. Fact is, there aren’t any fish in this stream?’ “Then why are you fishing here?” “Because it pays me. Look what I save in bait!” * * * “Weelara”: Our butcher is certainly topical. On his window he displays “The war has made most things pretty tough, but our meat is still as tender as ever.” * * * An American doctor has discovered a muscular affliction which he calls Italian lumbago. The first symptom is a sudden stab in the back. * * * Corporal: “That new recruit used to be a clerk.” Sergeant: “How do you know?” Corporal: “Every time he stands at ease he tires to put his rifle behind his ear.” * * * To some girls a new boy friend is just a passing fiance.

A grim look on his face, the customer settled down in the barber’s chair, and let the man put the towel round him. “Before we start,” he said curtly “I know the weather’s terrible and that the dictators are a menace to the world. I don’t care who’ll win the next big fight, and I’m not interested in horses. I’m aware I’m getting thin on top, but I think it suits me. Now get on with it.” “Well, sir,” said the barber, “if it’s all the same to you, I’ll be able to concentrate better on cutting your hair if .you don’t talk so much.” * * * A New York baby has been named Garfield Washington Taft Wilson, after four American presidents. They should let the child see “Gone With The Wind” free, if only on account of his initials. ’ * * * “To discover whether a person is still breathing,” says an A.R.P. hint, “hold a mirror in front of the face.” If it is a woman and she promptly sits up and powders her nose there is nothing much the matter with her. * * * About the only man you have to take your hat off to nowadays is a barber.

The squad of recruits had been out to rifle range for their first try at marksmanship. They knelt at 250 yards and fired. Not a hit. They moved up to 200 yards. Not a hit. They tried at 100 yards. Not a hit. “Fix bayonets and charge!” ordered the sergeant, “It’s your only chance.” * * * ■ The writer of an article on home defence says it is the duty of civilians to keep parachutists occupied until the troops, arrive. We are looking out some , good stiff crossword puzzles. ** . * Two wounded German airmen were in a British hospital. Whenever a raid warding went, one lad yelling, “Spitfire. Spitfire.” The ward sister told the doctor, who said it didn’t matter so long as he lay still. “But doctor,” said sister; “Every time this one shouts 'Spitfire’ the German in the other bed bales out!” * * ♦ '. An economist reminds us that money is the people’s servant. Ah, yes, here to-day and gone tomorrow. * * * “Fowls can be kept in nine out of ten back , gardens,” insists an expert. The tenth, of course, is the one belonging to the person who owns them. , ..... .. *♦ * . It is said that Dr. Goebbels once had ambitions to the position held by Field-Marshall Goering. But he ; had to be .content with the Hot Air Ministry instead. - *■* ■ * People ' who start off with an elastic conscience often end up by doing a stretch.

“If party politics are entirely dropped during war-time, what will happen when peace comes?” asks a writer. War. /■T/-' ■<; . ' ■ 1 * * * “When visiting a friend with the ’flu try to be cheerful,” says a doctor. What is more important, be fair! Share the grapes.

A horticulturist in England declares that, inspite of the hard winter, everything on the farms is very forward this year. We await a stinging reply from the Land Girls.

“What have you hauled down that balloon for?” “Well, sir, I heard an air-raid warning, and I didn’t want it to get damaged.” * * * Two travellers returning home late at night lost their way. One said,- “We’re in a cemetery; here’s a grave . stone.” “Whose is it?” asked the other. Striking a match, the more sober one replied, “I don’t know, but he died at a good age—l7s.” “See who it is,” said the other. Another match was struck. “I don’t know him; some fellow called Miles from London!” * * ♦ A sailor, after placing some flowers on a grave in a cemetery, noticed an old Chinaman placing a bowl of rice on a nearby grave and asked: “What time do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?” The old Chinaman replied with a smile: “Same time your friend come up to smell flowers.” ❖ * * If a fellow tries to kiss a woman and gets away with it, he’s a man; if he tries and doesn’t get away with it, he’s a brute; if he does’nt try, but would get away with it if he tired he’s a coward; but if he doesn’t try and wouldn’t have got away with it if he had tried, he’s wise. * ♦ * Producer-gasp prices!

A clergeman and a Scotchman were watching a baseball game together. The Scotchman continually kept taking nips from a bottle and the clergyman, no longer able to restrain himself, at last cried out, “Sir, I’m sixty-nine years old, and never in my life have I touched alcohol.” . - “Well, dinnae worry yourself tae much,” replied the Scotchman with a pronounced burr, “You’re nae ginna start noo.” * * * Customer (having a rough shave): “I say, barber, have you another razor?” Barber: “Yes, why?” Customer: “I want to defend myself.” >* * * The all-important question had been put to the girl’s father. He turned to the young suitor, an his face went the colour of beetroot. “You isolent young puppy!” he raved. “Do you. mean to tell me that you want to marry my daughter? Do you think for one minute that you could give her what she has been used to?” “Er— I think so,” faltered the young man. “I have a very violent temper myself!”

McTavish was in a pub, when the sirens went, and the customers went outside, leaving their drinks. McTavish walked calmly round the bar, finishing them off. He was just tossing down the fifteenth or so when a German ’plane crashed nearby. The explosion blew him flat on his back. “Oh, boy!” he cried. “That last drink certainly had a kick in it!” • ■ * * * , Lady: “Have you tried to cure this parrot of cursing?” / Pet Shop Proprietor “Hell, yes, lady, but the dam phool bird only gets worse all the time.” f.

Levi—“Vot makes you look so sorrowful, Chake?” Cohen“l chust now sold a twodollar coat to an Irishman for six dollars, and he didn’t try to knock me down; I’m kickin’ myself because I didn’t ask ten.” *, * * - - “I’ll never propose to a girl again as long as I live.” “Oh, ho—jilted?” “No, accepted!” * * *

* * . * My wife has the Bad habit of •staying up until one or two o’clock in the morning, and I can’t break her of it.” “What does she do all : this time?” “Waits for me to come home.” ** : * . v '• An Englishman became bald. He was desperate and spent much money on hair restorers. A Scotchman went bald. He sold his brush and comb. ■ r

The wife came in to find her husband and a lawyer engaged in business over the dining-room table upon which were spread several sheets of paper. “What are you doing with all that paper, Henry?” demanded his wife. “I am making a wish,’ ’said the husband meekly. • _ “A wish?” “Yes, my dear. In your presence I shall not presume to call it a will.” \ ❖ * *

A group of workmen were discussing the evolution and origin of man. One of the party remained silent, when a companion turned to him and demanded his opinion. / “I ain’t goin’ to say,” he replied doggedly. “I remember as ’ow Henry Green and me thrashed that out once before, and it’s settled as far as I’m concerned.” “But what conclusion did you come to?” “Well,” he said slowly, “we didn’t arrive at the same conclusion —no we didn’t. Henry arrived at the ’orspital, an’ me at the police station.” • ** * . Advertisement in a New York paper: Young man who gets paid on Monday and is broke by Wednesday, would like to exchange small loans with a young man who gets paid on Wednesday and is broke by Monday. * * * , Notice in a Rural Weekly: Anyone found near my chicken house at night will be found there next morning. * * * Ned “How is your mother-in-law these days?” Ted: “Oh, meddling.” ’i * * * A military band, returning from a practice march along East Fre-

“Heard about poor Mrs. Green’s bad luck?” said Mrs. Bloobs over the fence. No, what is it?” asked Mrs. Nobbs, eagerly, “Her husband’s run away,” said Mrs. Blobbs, gloatingly; “and what’s more, he’s robbed her of «very penny she had.” “Well, s I never!” gasped Mrs. Nobbs. “Poor dear! And she only married him because she was so scared of burglars!” * * She: “I just saw Myrtle walking down the street wth her new evening gown under her arm.” He: “My gosh, don’t tell me the styles have come to that!” * * * ’ “My Scotch boy friend sent me his picture yesterday.” “How does he look?” • “I don’t know yet. I haven’t had it developed.” * * * $ \ Mistress.“ Did you give the goldfish fresh water?” Maid“ What’s the use? They didn’t drink what I gae them yesterday.”

“Isn’t that Herb over . . “Yeah. Don’t call him though, George. He’ll talk you to sleep.” “I just ...” “Naw. Leave him alone, George. He’s an awful pest. Never lets anybody else say a word.” “Well, maybe ....”- “We don’t want him around, George. When Herb starts broadcasting it’s like breaking into a bank vault to try and say anything.” “I know, but . . ... ” “Naw. Don’t let on you see him, George. He gets worse every day. The moment he thinks nobody else it going to say anything he horns in.”

“I only wanted to . . . .” “Hasn’t even good manners, that guy!” “Listen, I . . .” “He thinks the world hasn’t anything to do but listen to him.” “Maybe you’re right, but . ... .” “Fella like Herb gives me a pain in the neck, George. His idea of a pleasant conversation is him to talk and everybody else to pipe down and stay piped.” “That may be, but ...” ’“I like to listen to the other fella once in a while. But that guy just blabs along all the time.” “Yeah, but even at that . . .” “He’s just rude that way George, Doesn’t. know any better.”

“Yes, but listen . . . .” “Naw, let him be, George. If he comes over here you won’t Be able to pry a word in edgeways with a burglar’s jemmy.” * t * * “Cottew”: From a property advertisement: Owner, lady, alone, in ill-health. Could be greatly improved by a man. Any trial. / ■ * * **■' 5 * • ’ A German naval commander who sank a British ship got no credit for the feat whasoever. The poor 'fellow clean forgot that Goebbels had sunk it already.'

Advertising is quite a serious business, but the average person can get a good deal of amusement by noticing the odd advertisements that are displayed in shop windows. Here is one which caught my eye in town last week as I was passing a boot-repairing establishment : « “Send your boots here to be mended. I am deaf and dumb. Least said, soonest mended.” Another advertisement which attracted attention — not, thank goodness, in Ireland—was the following which was displayed in an undertaker’s window: “Why live and be miserable when you can be buried for £3/17/6?” ** . * Over the counter of the pawnshop a musician handed his violin with the brief comment: . “How much?” 1 ‘ The proprietor examined the instrument and then replied: “One pound.” “One pound!” snorted the musican, “That’s ridiculous! Why the neighbours offered me more than that!”

The parson met . one of his flock in the village street, and stopped to z speak to him. “John, my good man,’ ’he said severely, “your wife tells me that your cQnduct of late has not been at all desirable. Why don’t you take x a lesson from me? I can go to the village and come back again without getting drunk.” “Aye, mebbe you can sir,” replied the other, “but, ye see, I’m sae popular.” * * * Did you hear about the Scotchman who didn’t come out of his hotel room for three days and was found sitting on top of his suitcase, with his brow wrinkled in concentration, in front of a sign that read, “Think, have you left . anything ?