Lionel Tap

Rip It Up, Issue 236, 1 April 1997, Page 36

Lionel Tap

The Biz Awards It’s Music Awards time again. Those same old categories. Those same old names every year with the “Most Promising” categories thrown in to introduce a few newcomers. Names that you will possibly, never hear of again. It all happens Saturday May 3 on a tele near you. Lionel Tap says, ‘Get real and honour the behind-the-scenes people’. At least they stick around! Yes, it’s time to sing a song for the unsung heroes of the entertainment whirl. Lionel salutes those hardworking industry folk who are so modest that last year they stayed in the foyer bar during the Awards show, too self-effacing to take their seats in the auditorium. However, the powers that be at the MEANZ Awards, cynically think that these poor maligned folk were off-your-facing rather than self-effacing in their absence from the Aotea auditorium. So the bars (and the dunnies) are going to be closed to party people during the ceremony. Well here is Lionel’s Finals. We’ll call them the “BIZ AWARDS”, there’s a better name than the “MEANZ Awards”, already. , Let’s make up some new categories and tell FOLK RECORD OF THE YEAR to ‘folk off’. What about the INAUGURAL 15th ANNIVERSARY OF RAP AWARD? Best Retail Display Award CD STORE, AUCKLAND After Xmas, when the “A” and the “L” fell of “ALANIS”, there in the window was a bold “ANIS MORISSETTE” display. Every day it was there we loved it! For several more weeks “ANIS” ruled in Queen Street. The Chat-Up Line of the Year Award At the APRA Awards, Lionel’s mate overheard a musician’s girlfriend say to another musician, “What’s your phone number? I really like intelligent conversation.” Best Chat-Up Line in Customs Award A Kiwi musician returning from recording in Australia gets the usual hassles and asks “Why?” The customs officer says, “Broke musicians might be desperate enough to smuggle drugs.” The officer then uses the line “Would you like to make a little money on the side and help us with some names.” Musician thinks this is a bit below the belt. Best Bust In Customs Award FRENZEL RHOMB Yes, an international band wins this award and deservedly so. Let’s face it there are still things that Australians do better than Kiwis. These freak of the week rockers got searched and Customs found that every band member had stolen a life jacket off the plane. Best Use of a Company Car Award A VIRGIN EMPLOYEE Yes, no better place to get self-effaced than the Squid Bar and there’s parking in O’Connell Street for the grunty record company car. But getting out of those tight spaces late at night can be difficult and ... CRUNCH! ... the new Virgin car has reversed into a large barman’s motorbike. Most Promising Use of a Company Car Award MARK TIERNEY Well, the new job at Polygram had a car. Mark thought ‘that’s cool’ and went cruisin’. But as weeks went by, it came to

pass, that though Mark had a car, he did not have a driver’s license. The Radio Jock Award RADIO HAURAKI When a member of Wellington band BREATHE phoned into Auckland’s Radio Hauraki to do a pre-BIG DAY OUT interview, the deejay noted the bandmember’s lack of a British accent and then asked the question — “So your new single is ‘Breathe’. Umm? The dude thought he was talking to PRODIGY. Best Performance by a Policeman at a Rock Concert A policeman backstage at AC/DC reprimanded a musician for photographing a container load of riot squad dudes. The cop said, “You don’t have permission to take that photo. Take the film out.” The muso says, “This is a digital camera, I can’t take the film out’. [Lionel gets lost at this point too!] Among the container load of policemen there’s a camera buff. He gets to press the panorama button on the digital camera and goes “Wow”. So it is decided that the muso can have his camera back. His name and address is taken and he is told, “If I see this in any publication, I’m coming after you.” Te Reo Award MAI TIME Bring back that weekend tele show so we can learn more words. Lionel is now in the whare! Yo! He can now count to 10 in Maori ... um ... tahi, rua, stussy, rebok, tuku, nike ... um ... The Rock ‘N’ Roll Journalist Award CHRIS HEAZLEWOOD Yes, the King of the KING LOSERS spewed all the dirt on DIMMER on to the internet displeasing chief Dimmer SHAYNE CARTER. By the time Dimmer single was released, for a band photo, Flying Nun had to have the bandless Shayne posing with shop mannequins. The Rock ‘N’ Roll Historian Award JIM BOLGER When APRA’s UNCLE ARTHUR and NEIL FINN went to meet the Prime Minister UNCLE JIM about the Youth Radio Network, UNCLE JIM shook NEIL’s hand and said, “And you are?” The Best Use of A Recording Advance Yes, some South Auckland funketeers bought a big white jeep with their advance. When the distributor was asked about the “investment”, it was made clear that a vehicle was necessary to transport the label’s artists from their South Auckland homes to a Central City studio. The Promoter of the Year Award RICHARD SINKE Yes, the man who promotes the very fine Dux De Lux New Year’s Eve shows in Christchurch, deserves a BIZ AWARD. This year when SHIHAD came off stage (prior to their scheduled encore), Richard generously offered the band half a dozen Moet to do two more songs. The band readily agreed to go back on and finish their set. Oh well, I better dryclean the suit for the Music Awards. The year I find out there’s a bar in the foyer, they close it. But Lionel’s heard some good news. The after show feed will be all on one level this year. I remember the frustration last year, I was already wearing my wine and I was told, “The seafood is up two flights of stairs.” Uhh ... it’s time to get into the spirit of it. I feel a medley coming on ...

LIONEL TAP