Elvis QUEEN OF THE DESSERT

Rip It Up, Issue 211, 1 March 1995, Page 10

Elvis QUEEN OF THE DESSERT

ELVIS LOVELY ELVIS And after the lovely BIG DAY OUT (yes readers an UP TO DATE column as usual) it was ALL SMILES for the happy couple of MINISTRY’S AL JOURGANSEN and HANS HOEFLICH’s girlfriend HELENE! Yes as they. LEAVE TOGETHER after the show the lovely HANS is shuffled into a taxi by a CARING LOVELY CHATTING QUITE A BIT GIRLIE from Warner Music because the lovely Hans has been DRINKING quite a bit since he is not so happy. Meanwhile at the SQUIDDLY DIDDLY bar Al

and Helene are DANCING and DRINKING and having a lovely time. Afterwards the happy couple return to la maison de Helene where the romantic and fabulous AL pisses in the FIREPLACE, writes over the wall in LIPSTICK and PASSES OUT - a proven contraceptive if there ever was one. Next morning the suave and ever so slightly HUNGOVER Al awaketh to see before him someone with a BEARD and a FRYPAN. Yes viewers it’s the wonderful HANS! And for what is the FRYPAN - surely for STOVING THE BASTARD’S HEAD IN? But no for Hans is EXTREMELY

COOL and offering Al some FRIED EGGS - so considerate and the PERFECT CURE for a hangover. What can Al do but LEAVE QUICKLY - not however before offering Mrs Hans tickets for the Aussie BDO shows... And after that tale of one cutting edge rock band, here is one about... HELLO SAILOR. Recently reformed from DNA FRAGMENTS found in the blood of Jurassic mosquitoes, the excellent and Still Able To Pack Away Quite A Bit band of good old KIWI ROCKERS were performing at the also

extremely cutting edge radical far out grunge foot massage MOUNTAIN ROCK. After the “set” the band get down to the most IMPORTANT part of the tour, the Getting Very Pissed at the Quality Inn Hotel bar. After a few "handles” the suave and urbane and very sophisticated Mr HARRY LYONS spies a bright young thing at the bar and notes with a practiced eye the shoulder-length long blonde hair and cute “butt” (as they say on BEVERLY HILLS 90210). And, being something of a smoothie, Mr Harry Lyons doth cry out “Cor! Wouldn’t mind fucking that!” Thumbs up to that

one Harry! Except unfortunately the lovely young thing at the bar is DAVE DOBBYN’S DRUMMER - and more importantly a BLOKE. ... Summer festivals! Don’t we love MIDDLE-AGED FAMILIES in BIG BOUNCY WHITE REEBOKS carrying CHILLY BINS and DECK CHAIRS through town! Don’t we love BIG CROWDS of out of townies CHEERING all their favourite songs and lovingly rendered GOLDEN CLASSICS! Don’t we love OLD PERFORMERS tarted up with lots of HAIR and MAKEUP and NEW CLOTHES! Don’t we love people DRESSING for the occasion in FUNNY HATS and face paint and FESTIVE CLOTHING! Are we speaking of OPERA IN THE PARK? No - we are speaking of the HERO PARADE! The only difference between the two is that city councillors disapprove of the WRONG

ONE. The only good FIREWORKS show is one where they BLOW UP JUDY BAILEY at the end. TELEVISION - DUCK of a NATION! SEE! Lovely TVNZ executives trying to work out how many programmes they can fit MARCUS LUSH into! WE LIKE MARCUS and demand to know if they are FITTING HIM UP like they did with SIMON BARNES, putting his face on EVERY DUMB PROGRAMME they can think of. Half an hour of practical jokes? But we have AN HOUR OF TVNZ NEWS ALREADY! Tired of TV? Then why not pay MONEY to watch repeats on SKY? Or better yet, ORANGE! Pay TV WITH COMMERCIALS! BRILLIANT! WHO could have thought of THAT? ORANGE? LEMON more like. And BEVERLY HILLS without BRENDA? What’s the POINT? Life has no MEANING anymore.