just say YO!

Rip It Up, Issue 192, 1 July 1993, Page 32

just say YO!

I have feelings too y'know. I hurt too /know. Don't think you can just write in and say nasty things about me and think it won't cut deep into my heart. II does. I'm a sensitive guy. When I tell you how huuuge my dick is I'm not doing it to show off, or to be unkind to those who have a paltry six inches or less (the NZ average according to my good friend Mika). It's just that I want to share my very self with you, I want you to benefit from some of my life experiences —that's all.

I'm certainly not trying to be funny. What's funny about a man with the world's best penis who still can't get laid? Do you think that's funny? I don't think so, nosirree Bob. By some cruel twist of fate the gods have seen fit to deny me the one pleasure I was surely put on this earth to provide. Father, why hast thou forsaken me? If I'm not truly god's gift to women why have you blessed me with such a heavenly pork chop? My cup runneth over, but why into my hand?

Seriously, I actually get plenty. Heaps mate. I could write whole books on the subject, but the editor won't allow it in his magazine That's why I have to pretend I haven't been laid since the last Labour government. You probably see me as the Cliff Claven of Grey Lynn, and that's good — it means I can get about my wicked business undisturbed. I'm just a love machine, and I won't work for nobody but you. Who wrote that song? How come the Bassline DJs

wouldn't play it at The Brain when I asked? Lousy muthafuckers! They stiffed me real good, just as I was making the magnificent with some lithe and lovely girl from Panmure. She was hot for me, I could tell because she was waiting for me in my Official Michael Jackson TOur T-Shirt (did I promise the jacket? yeah, bummer — it's at the cleaners) by the left speakers at The Brain. Actually she was waiting by the right speakers but she was a babe so I didn't care if she was dyslexic. Sure, she played it cool but her eyes lit up when I said I could get the DJ to play any song I liked. Actually her eyes lit up when I said I was going to get the DJ to play a song, and off I went — but would they play me the song? Nosirree Bob! Claimed they didn't know it, even when I sang it for them: "I'm just a love machine, and I won't work for nobody but you, nah nah n n n nah, I'm just a love machine, nnnnahn nah..." Fuck me if the kids of today don't know their music. The DJ just looked at me stupid, y'know as if / was stupid?! Shit, you wait, it's a classic, it'll be on the next Absolute Disco compilation. Now I love disco music but I was playing it 5 years ago when it was really cool — y'know, before everyone else (the dreaded mainstream) started getting into it. Still, Absolute Disco Vol 1 is absolutely fabulous, to the point I'm wondering if it was Miles who broke into my flat 2 years ago and stole my record collection — I didn't think anyone else in NZ had a copy of The Sylvers. Anyway, the point I'm getting to is that all these 70s parties that people are having areabsolutely fucked. They're always full of posers who've bought the very latest 70s styled fashions, which aren't anything like the crapyou actually had to buy in the 70s. These are the same people who will be wearing fluoro bin liners and white Nikes to Punk Parties when those become fashionable.

But I digress. Getting no joy from the Bassline DJs (who don't know shit about music and keep playing their 33s at4srpms— technoschmekno!) I went back to my babe — but she was gone! She had vamoosed without so much as HappyTrailsoralsThatAPistolln Your Pocket? As you can see, I still had some really good witty banter left to keep her interested. Oh Nick, you're a riotl But she had disappeared faster than Mike Moore's chances at the next election. Which reminds me, is my finger on the pulse or what? Didn't I tell you that National would start climbing ahead in the poIIs?THEY HAVE! Didn't I also say that Marcus Lush should be working on television? HE IS! Didn't I tell you that the situation in Bosnia is fucked? IT IS! What's the difference between a Bosnian and a Somalian? One's white and looks like us, and the other is black and so no-one really cares how many get killed by mistake by UN Peacekeepers. For some reason the UN has no trouble with 'collateral damage' when it orders military strikes against Somalia but it continues to sit on its hands in Bosnia, claiming it can do nothing without risking civilian lives. Excuse me but isn't there a massacre going on already? It's disgusting to see Clinton so unashamedly milking it to bolster his own flagging support in the US. Equally disgusting is seeing Jenny Shipley on the TV news decrying the Churches for speaking out on social inequality in NZ. She said all they were doing was highlighting the problems of the past, without offering any solutions for the future. Excuse me, but isn't that what the National Government is doing with their, $3 million {your money) ad campaign which is supposed to explain the new Health Reforms? Deforms would be more correct because under this new regime hospitals won't be closed, no, they'll be offered (for sale!) to local communities to take over. And if those hospitals then downgrade services or god forbid! close down, then we can blame the local trust for mismanagement, not the government. I'm outta here, but first a prediction: Michael Jackson's Greatest Hits, remixed for Christmas release, and NZ First comes last in November. Peace, out.

NICK D'ANGELO®