Pump Up D'Angelo

Rip It Up, Issue 173, 1 December 1991, Page 38

Pump Up D'Angelo

It's not that I hate homosexuals, quite the opposite in fact. | have a lot of respect for them. Having slept with a man myself once I now better appreciate what they - put up with. For that matter I have alot of respect for women too — they also sleep with men. I think lesbians have got it sussed, they have their cake and eat it too. Yumm Yumm Yumm, I like cake. No, this isn't one of my wizz-bang intros to get you hooked into the: column (but you are, aren'’t you?). It's just that | was thinking the other day about closet gays and how annoying it was. Why do they hide in the closet — what's the problem? If's quite legal, and surely most people accept it. v Okay, some people stilkgo around bashing gays and calling them poofters but that would surely stop if all homosexuals showed some Gay Pride rather than insisting they're straight when we all know they're pillow biters. And how come no-one refersto women as pillow biters? I've had many a woman swallow the pillow rather - than let her flatmate hear her squeals of pleasure ('cos then they’d want some too | guess). God, I'm so STUDLY! I had a mate at school who gave us cause for suspicion, but staunchly - claimed he was hetero. Four years later | saw him at Alfies, done up in drag. Funny thing was, he never entered the school Drag Contest when he had the opportunity. There wouldn't have been enough room for him up on stage anyway, the contests were

always jam-packed with that year’s First Fifteen. Funny how every year the blokes in the First Fifteen always felt the need to dress up in women'’s clothes. They were always the same blokes who ran around school the day before Mufti Day telling us that tommorrow was International Gay Pride Day and everyone who was “queer” had to wear blue denim. Then on Mufti Day they would run around again (in their blue jeans) hassling all the nerds about their brown cords. Maybe that's why today so many still hide in the closet. Nick say: Its Safe To Come Out Now! Well reasonably safe, don't sue me if someone punches you in the nose. This thing with Magic Johnson going HIV positive was pretty weird. The media were basically saying it couldn’t happen fo a nicer person, which is a rather bizarre compliment. | think Martina Navratilova (the tennis pro who also likes cake) put it best. She said if a woman athlete announced she had slept with 500 men and now had Aids that woman would have been lynched as a whore by the tabloids, with a similar innuendo in the mainstream press. You may feel sorry for Magic Johnson that he has Aids, but don’t wonder which of those 500 women gave him it. Wonder instead how many of those women he gave the HIV virus. Why am | saying all this2 Because summer is here and as the weather heats up so do your hormones and come New Year’s Eve you'll all be fucking like crazy. Yes, I'm jealous but that's not the point. I'm not preaching

abstinence, just safe(r) sex. CONDOMS! God | sound old, don't I2 Fuck that! Do what you like, it won't happen to you, only queers and junkies catch Aids. Enjoy your summer — fornicate with wild abandon, claim your birthright, the pleasures of youth are yours! Just try to steer clear of addicts, hookers, homosexuals, Haitians, lab monkeys, people who have given or received blood recently, men who sleep with prostitutes, and / or the wives of men who sleep with prostitutes / homosexuals / lab monkeys or are drug abusers. Other than that the world is your oyster — go foritl! | suppose it would be in poor taste to offer myself to women readers as the embodiment of risk-free safe sex. | suppose you won't believe me when | say | haven't really slept with a man. But it's true — it was just a literary device to hook readers into the story. Honest! (no wonder Colin Hogg has never tried that one). | bet no-one would be willing to sleep with Michael Jackson. Is this guy weird, or what?! | mean, the man / boy is a FREAK. He's totally lost it musically, and certainly mentally, by my observations. He was great when he was Off The Wall, fine when he was the Thriller, but then he started to drift off into La La Land. First he thought he was Bad, now he thinks he’s ; Dangerous. Here's hoping his next - album is called In Therapy. Still, what does he (orthe Sony - Corporation) care when he’s selling zillions, and gets to meet his favourite stars. Stars like Diana Ross, Liz Taylor, and Madonna. Mind you, now he’s hanging with ten year old Macauley Bfrafface. Ah, scouting — its a great life! Prince is a freak as well, but at least with Prince you know you wouldn't mind joining him in his life of self-indulgence. While Jacko is filling his vids with small children (mostly young boys), Prince has got scorching hot men and women in his. But why he flaunts his own skinny butt | don’t know. Here at home things are going wacko as well. In one court a judge threatens to lock up protestors if they protest again, while in another court a judge frees an anti-abortionist who had been occupying an abortion clinic. Regardless of your views on abortion and / or unemployment surely there should be one law for everyone? Some local anti-abortionists seem to be following to the letier tactics used successfully overseas. Here’s hoping they don't pick up on the American trick of setting up fake Abortion Advice Clinics and then telling women horrific lies about what happens during and after abortion. If anti-abortionists have a problem with the law they should target legislators, not women in need of abortions. (And don't bother writing to me on the subject, thank you). : To end on a more positive note (it is Christmas after all) isn't it nice to see the emergence of a Police State? - Currently only being tested in the Christchurch area, but sure to spread

to the rest of the country if we don't kick up a fuss. Yes, the police in Hornby are publishing the names and addresses of people convicted of a criminal act. They are even publishing photos of the houses these people live in. Heaven forbid that some vigilante group should go to these houses and let the occupants know just what decent folk think of them! That is not what the police intended. : ~ You may look at the crimes these people have committed and think they are scumbags and deserve what they get. But you'd better hope you've never broken the law (traffic or otherwise). If the Police decide this “experiment” is a success, how long before the list of publishable offences stretches to your “crimes”? Maybe this experiment will be deemed a failure because it affects too many innocent people (family members, others living in the same street, efc). In that case why don't we just tattoo CRIMINAL on the foreheads of these people? That would eliminate the problem of innocent people being stigmatised, or the CRIMINAL switching addresses from the one published. If the idea of tattooing seems ludicrous, remember that the principle behind what the police are doing is their belief that the “community” must know who among them has trangressed the law (as in “once a criminal — always a criminal”). And currently they are the ones deciding how that information will be given to the public, and who gets named. The Police also this month successfully used a compliant (if not willing) media to tell us that'the Harris Gang were behind a lot of nasty arson attacks and bombings goingonin - Christchurch. The Harris brothers are actually behind bars but still operating their crime ring from jail, we were told. The Police also freely admitted they did not have enough proof to prosecute anyone, but that they knew the Harris Gang were behind it all. Why are we being told all this?2 Have the Police tired of fabricating evidence? Do they think that because we, the public, don't like nasty scum bucket white supremists like the Harris Gang that we might just sit back and allow someone (John Banks?) to loosen the laws regarding the “Burden of Proof” required to gain a conviction? Maybe they’re just poisoning the public mind as they did with Wayne Tamahere so that any potential jurors will know (just as the police do now) that the Harris Gang is guilty. - _ And it just gets worse! Today we hear the Police want changes to the Childrens & Young Persons Act,, - because some-one “walked” after the Police had failed to follow the law. Why not wipe all the laws regarding the taking of confessions? I'm sure we can trust the Police to stand up and give us an honest account of what the accused said. No wonder State television hasto keep telling us what a “Wonderful - World” we live in. v

NICK D’ANGELO