'Arry's Guide to Making Money for Your Band in New Zealand...

Rip It Up, Issue 87, 1 October 1984, Page 30

'Arry's Guide to Making Money for Your Band in New Zealand...

This month: ’Arry’s guide to making money for your band in New Zealand... • Sound like someone else, dress like someone else ... No? Well, back to the drawing board • Wear tight jeans (with a salami stuffed down them) and a black shirt with the sleeves rolled up to just below your tracks. • Get the publicity shots done when you're not wearing any undies under your jeans (try and arrange the salami for maximum visibility). • Get someone to 'ave a baby at a gig or have someone die. • Get famous people to endorse

you like Ronald McDonald or Karyn Hay. • Adopt cliche politics about the South Island. • Leave Wellington. • Play covers from old records and pretend they’re your songs. • Never leave the recording studios unless it’s for a TV clip. • Get interviewed on Shazam and pick your nose. Then wipe it in Phillip’s 'air. • Try the same thing on RWP (best if you sit upside down in the chair, of course). • Become a schoolgirl fantasy (or at least talk like you're one). • Get a fan club. • Use the local trend merchant as your manager. • Grow old and assemble “All Star" outfits every three months until people realise you’ve been doing it all along. • Keep the same name for five years and only do reunion gigs (or at least bill them as that). • Get your name in the court pages for publicity but grease your way off the charge. • Come up with a name that hasn’t got an ”S" on the end of it.

• Recycle the bits that fall off the van by making the guitarist invent an effects pedal from them. • Use the rest of the bits as an innovative extra percussion set for the drummer. • Don't lend the van to any other band, especially one with someone like Eddie Diehard in it. • Use fancy lighting, just like they do on TV. • Don’t let TVNZ make your video. • Don’t bother sending records to radio stations. • Don’t be interviewed or reviewed by Russell Brown. • Hire an Australian road crew. • Get a sugar daddy who’ll buy you a record label and perhaps a nightclub to play in. • Play the South Island rural circuit where they love anyone 'oo bothers to come and play to them. • Take all your clothes off on stage (but don’t forget that salami). • Get in 'Arry’s column. Yeah ... seeya mate ... ARRY