A MODERN PETRUCHIO.

New Zealand Tablet, Volume XVII, Issue 49, 28 March 1890, Page 23

A MODERN PETRUCHIO.

[By F. A. Mitchell in Belford's Magazine.']

,1 BEMEMBKBED him passing back and forth between his room, and ' chapel, and rccitaiion at college. There was always the same seriouß injured look, a look in which, to those who knew him best— who understood his eccentric views aod absurd methods — there was something comical.

He had been devoted to the stage. When a new company came to town he would be found among its audiences from the first to the last. He would rather see a bad play thau no play at all ; and when he was not at the theatre he re id plays. Notwithstanding his peculiarities, all of his set loved him. He was kind-hearted, impulsive, generous. His face was a mirror for his feelings, aod no one ever saw it reflect aught except what was ingenuous. This was the man I had parted from, five years before, upon leaving college. Now he was a new man— a new man, and yet tbe same old Peter Brown. He was married. He had just entertained me at dinner. The wife, a decided-looking little woman, sat at tbe board, plainly its mistress. There was no wine ; and when we left the table we left it together, and without a suspicion of tie odour of tobacco. We had chatted perbap* half <tn hour in the drawing room when Peter rose and, signaling; me to follow him, led the way up three flights of stairs to a little chamber with but one window. All the furniture it contained was two eaey chairß, a table, and a cupboard hanging against the wall. The door closed, Peter drew a long sigh. Then he went to the cupboard aod took out a bottle, some glasses, and a box of cigars. " Come, Peter," I said, lighting a weed he gave me, and throwing myself back in the cushions, " tell me all about it." " About what ? " " I see that conviviality is restricted in your house. lam curious to know why." His expression was very sad. " Madam objects ? " 1 queried. " Madam objects." He cast a rueful glance round the apartment. " And like a good husband, you submit." " Yes 1 submit." "And gracefully? " There was home hesitation. " My submission was not exactly graceful originally."

" Well tell me about it."

He lit bis cigar and began to describe an attempt which for originalty and ingenuity had never been equalled by any of his extremely remarkable freaks while in college.

You remember how fond I used to be ot the theatre ? Well I've got over that, but it took a temble experience to cure me. Of all the plays ever put on the stage, my favourite used to be " The taming of the Shrew." To mp, Petruchio's method of curing his wife's temper, by feigning to be mere violent than she, was a model of cleverness ; and before I wss old enough to have a wife, I vowed that, if she should be a shrew, 1 would be a Petrucbio."

I first met my wife at a tennis party. She was my partner, and looked very pretty in v loose tennis jacket, a striped skirt, and a jaunty cap. With me it was one of those cases when a man's heart flies right out cf his bos >m like a tennis-ball from a racket, and lights on the girl. We played very well together, and were neck and neck with our opponents near the end of a game, when a foul ball was served to my partner, which she sent back. " That's foul 1 " I exclaimed. " What do you mean ? " she asked sharply. "It fell out of the court." '■ No such thing." " I beg pardon," I replied, politely ; " it looked so to me "

"I'll be obliged if jou'li play your own game, and let me play mine," she returned angrily.

" I beg pardon." 1 touched my cap apologetically, and the game went on.

Thereiwas something about the bareface ' assurance and dictatoiial manner of the proceeding t'iat attracted my attention. Somehuw I became dnzzled by the girl's angry eye 3. 1 could see nothing but a pretty face, and petite figure, a striped skirt, aud a jaunty cap. I went away from the tennis party with a little termagant buzzing about in my thoughts like a bumble bee among the hollyhocks. 1 secured an introduction to her tathui'd house ; quarreled with her al my fmt call ; made it up on the second by retracting everything that I bad said ; found myself cut by her a few days after ; apologised for something I had not done ; tried in every way I could think of to please her, aud finally found myself madly in love with a girl who promised, if I should win her, lo make my life a pandemonium. I went ou a nip, to be gone a month, to try and forget her, but returned in a week, thoiout:nly convinced that I couldn't get on without her. I proposed. She would probably have refused me had not her father told her that he wouldn't have a man for a Bon-in-law who " languished under such a theatrical drawl." That settled it. I was accepted.

'Jheie was now nothing for me but a life of misery with a stubborn, quarrelsome woman. At least, so it seemed to me. No man could uve in peace witb her unu ts be could bieak her. But could I do this ? I thought of fetrucLio, aud sat down and read over " The Taming of the Shrew " for the hundredth time. I noticed tbat Petrucbio first got the lady into his power and then commenced his training. I resolvtd to be mariitd at once.

Toe next day I wtnt to my lady-love und told her that, owing to business engagements which would require my absence, it would be impossible k.r me to claim her within a year. She informed me tbat unless I could claim her the next week I could look elsewhere for a partner, I bad scored one point. 1 accepted the terms, and we were married.

We went through the honeymoon pleasantly, for I determined not to cross her in anything, wailing till we should be comfortably

settled at home in the house her father had given her, in the same street in which he lived, and only a few blocks away. Then I pro* posed to commence a modern instance of the taming of a shrew. ! The honeymoon ended, and we arrived at home. 1 had hired the cook myself, and, by promising a large reward, had secured her to my plan. It waß understood that she was not to give my wife food without my permission. I didn't rely much on this part of the programme— to starve her into submission — but I thought I'd try it with the other things. We sat down to our first dinner at home. My wife sat opposite roe, looking so pretty, so exceptionally good-natured, that my heart almost failed me. After all, wouldn't it be better to wait until she should provoke me ? No, I bad laid the plan, and I would carry it out. All our future depended upon it. The servant placed before me a smoking juint. I took up the carviag-knife and whittled it on the steel savagely. My heart beat like a kettle-drum. Somehow it struck me that I was about to make a fool of myself ; but I thought again of all that was at stake, and began my training. '• Jane," I burst out suddenly, addressing the servant, " what's the matter with this meat? " " Nothing, sir, that I know of," Jane answered, opening her

"The meat ia burned," I exclaimed, feigning anger which I didn't feel. " Take it away." To say that my wife was astonished wouldn't alone indicate her feelings or her appearance. She turned deadly pale. " Take it away, 1 ' I repeated. By this time my wife had partially recovered her equanimity. I expected every moment to feel the decoration of fragmentary glass about my brow. I was disappointed. " Take it away, Jane," she said, in a Boft voice.

I was delighted. It was plain that she had seen an evidence of

will power that she daren't oppose. With difficulty controlling my agitation, I rose from the table. My wife followed me into the drawing room. I passed on into the hall, and, taking roy hat and stick, turned towards her and said :

"lam going out. I will return at eight. We will then keep our engagement at your father's."

She stood looking at me, htr face betokening alternate wonder and amusement, with an occasional shade of anxiety. Then there came a sudden spasmodic little laugh, followed by as sudden a flash of lightning in the eyes. Had I delayed a moment the storm would have burst. But I didn't delay. I went out and shut the door after me.

I went directly to my club. Taking my old seat in the dining room, I ordered a good dinner and a bottle of wine. I felt that thus far all had gone as could be expected. The ball was opened. Mjr wife was at home, and no dinner. I waß at the club with plenty to eat and a bottle of excellent Chateaux Margaux. By the time I had drained the last glass I felt quite equal to the remainder of the ordeal before me, and resolved firmly not to depart one iota from my model Petruchio. Having finished my dinner and tossed off a pony of brandy to put a. capper on my courage, I returned to my work. I was surprised to find my wife quite calm. She was ready to go with me to her father's. She quietly took my arm, and we walked slowly up the street. It was about dusk. The full moon, rising, stood in the east large and round. " How large the moon looks," she remarked. " It is full to-night I think." " The moon? " " Yes, the moon. I said the moon." " It's the sun. The moon never shines at this time of day."

"Oh — is it ? " Her lone didn't imply conviction. " I tell you that's the sun," I blustered, "Do you mean to con. tradict me ? " There was an ominous pause. " Oh, no ; I wouldn't think of contradicting such an astronomical prodigy. Of course it's the sun," Her tone made me crawl. '" Then I say it's the moon.'" "Bo you? I knew when I married you that you weren't bright, but I supposed you could at least tell the sun from the moon."

Tbe conversation terminated at this point. I was not getting on, and wna glad when, a few moments later, we reached her father's hous". We were received with open arms, of course. " How well you b>th look!" and "Did you find everything comfortable at home ? " and " Was the dinner nicely served ? " '-You must be like two kutens on a feather pillow " I think this last remark, made by Mrs. Brown's little brother contained a trace of irony. Two cats, 1 thought. No sooner were their greetings over and we ha r l kissed and been kissed all round, than my wife and her mother disappeared. " What's that? " I asked myself. From the dining-room, separated from which we were only by a dooi, I heard my wife's voice mingling with the clatter of dishes on hard mahogany.

I leaned back on my chair a trifle discouraged. The starvation part of my plan was surely a failure. But then 1 hadn't counted much on that.

Mrp. Brown spent the whole evening in the dining-room and then sent me word that she would remain all night with her mother. This was an avenue that I had not thought of. I winced. There was nothing for me to do but go home alone. I did so and went to bed

— less hopi-ful than I had been since the commencement of hostilities. The next evening when I returned from business I found my wife at home and in the hands of a dressmaker. She had been provided with an elaborate trousseau ; but one dress, designed to be worn on her reception diys, had been left unfinished. She was standing before the mirror in the gown, the skirt of which the dressmaker was arranging to hang more evenly. I advanced and took the fabric between my thumb and finger. " What rotten stuff is this? " I asked. " It s Btlk, sir," faltered the dressmaker. "Silk? Thiasilk?"

41 Costly Bilk, sir." "It's a base imitation. A mixture of poor silk and cotton. And this " " Lace, sir." "Do you tell mo this is I*C3 7 My wife shall wear no such stuff. She must be dressed as becomes her matchless beauty." My wife stood staring in mute wonder. Was it fear or anger that first blanched her cheek, and then flushed it hot as fire? I •huddere iat the first word she should speak. Bat it was not spokeo. Beckoning to the dressmaker to follow her, she strode out of the room, and passing into the adjoining chamber, locked the door. I descended to the dining room. It was dinner time and I was very hungry. I waited for an hour for ray wife to come down aad dme. 1 waited in vain. At last I resolved to dine alone. "Get me a bottle of wine, Jane,' I said to the maid. " Madame bas it under lock and key, sir."

T Deed not report to you the familiar little word I used to express my displeasure. I took my bat and went to the club and dined there. I sat alone at my table thinking over the sitution. It had been the morning and was now the evening of the Becond day, and somehow I didn't feel that it was good.

I went home at 12, midnight. I was tired and sleepy, but purposely delayed so that my wife might have time to think— to arrive at the conclusion that she mast sooner or later come to me vanquished and beg for terms. Then I proposed to take her to my arms, explain my strange conduct, and bid her be a dutiful wife, whereupon all such evidences of my displeasure would be avoided in future. When I went upstairs I found our bedroom dcor locked and bolted. I had especially arranged it myself for safety against burglars, and knew i couldn't force i(. I must either beg to be let in or stay out. The former would be fatal ; the latter I did. I went to another room It was locked ; 1 tried aiother and another; all were locked. I aroused the servants and demanded the keys. They were all in madam's pos&esion. I went down into the library. I had turned out the lights when I went up, and it was pitch dark. I stumbled over the coal scuttle and fsll, striking my head on a sharp corner of the mantel. Throwing nyself on to a sofa, I caught the flow of blood in my handkerchief. I laid awake all night and fell asleep after daylight.

I was awakened by my wife in the morning opening the library windows. I saw the bloody handkerchief lying on the floor, and caught it np in time to prevent her perceiving it. " Did you rest well, my dear ?" she asked.

There was a modulation in her voice which I dreaded more than harshness. It maddened me. I was really angry now, and it required no acting to play my part. Without noticing her I went upstairs and made my toilet. Then I pasted down and out of the house to get my breakfast at the club.

As I sat eatiDg my chop and sipping coffee — of double strength —I iequired it — I made up my miud that before the day was over I must either conquer or be conquered. I had not thus far been eminently successful ; but I reasoned that women were weaker ihan men, and if my wife felt the strain as I did she would not be able to hold out another day. When I went home to dinner at five o'clock I resolved t) take advantage of any excuse to be violent and be as violent fes possible. As I opened the front door with my latchkey I saw my wife standing in the parlour. She had been out, and bad not yet removed her hat and gloves. I remembered Petruchio's attack on his wife's cap. Here was my chance. " What have you on your head ?" I asked, harshly. " My bonnet, dear."

" It dresn't become ycu " I confidently bopea that, to avert the stoim she must see was brewing, she would at least take off the obnoxious bat and lay it on the table. She did no such tbing, but stood regarding me with the same mute wonder as during my former efforts. Again ai d a?ain I demanded the hai's removal, but received nothing in reply but a cold stare. At last, giving way to all the violence I lelt, and a good deal I did not feel, I raised my stick, ani sweeping it sideways, laid the hat, a mass of velvet and feathers wuhou 1 form and void, at the other end of the room.

What followed was so sudden, co unexpected, so singular, that I never could distinctly remember how it occurred. At any rate, at a call from my wife, two men entered from another room and teized me by the arms. One was my own brother and the other my wife's cousic

11 What does this mean ? " I asked dumbfounded.

'• Take him to the third etory back room," my wife said calmly to my captors, "We will keep him there till we know how the disease turns. If be isn't better to- morrow we sball have to send him to an asylum ! My God I she ttought I was insane I " My dear— — ," I cried. " Take him away."' " My dear, you don't mean — Anhur — Tom — "

'• Doo't mind what he pays ; be"s not responsible."

By this time I was at the first landing. 1 struggled ; but it was of no avail. My captorß were both strong mtn, and carried me to the third htory.

" Go in there," said one of them, pushing me into the room, from which every article of furniture had been removed. " You can't hurt yourself there. Stop, let me search you." He took my pocket knife to make sure I could do myself no injury with it, and then shut the door and locked it from the outtide.

Locked up for a lunatic in my own house and by my own bride 1 I stood in the middle of the roooa — there was nothing to eit on — and commenced to ttaiDk. I curßed every character I bad ever seen on the stage. I cursed Hamlet, I cursed Lear, I cursed Othello— l cureed them all. But when I came to Petruchio it seemed that my curses Bhot out with all the vivid virulence of the rays of an electric light. I passed three hours in a state of mortification and disappointment, and three hours more in despondency and iepentance. I began to get hungry, Nothing eince breakfast, and it was now 11

p.m. ! I peeped through the key-hole and saw my wife's coußin guarding me. " I want something to eat," I ca'led.

"No orders for it," be replied.

Great heavens 1 was my wife going to starve me? I ran over my conduct toward her since we bad returned from our weiding trip, and rememb3red with horror my efforts to starve her.

It took me just one hour more under tho reducing influence of an empty stomach to make up my mind to capitulate. '• Call Mrs. Brown," I called to my keeper. I heard him pass the word to the maid below.

A light s'ep was on the staircase, a quiet but determined voice to the attendant, " Yon may go now, Arthur ; much obliged." Then the same voice to me : "What is it, dear? " " I've had enough of this," I replied, gruffly. " Are you better ? " " I haven't been sick." She paused awhile. She was evidently considering. " Is your braiu qiieter 1 " she asked. " Oh, bother ! let me out." " You seem more rational. Ido hope you won't have another attack."

•• Come, come," I said, trying to assume a trifle of unconcern. " Let's have no more fooling." " I am not quite sure it would be safe to release you yet." To this I made no reply. I waited, " I want to ask you," she continued, presently, " if you are convinced of the folly of yonr proceeding ? " 41 Well — yes. I think I can Fay that I am, ratber." " And you won't do so any more ? " " Not during my present happy alliance with you." " That's very sweet of you. And you'll attend to yonr business, and let me manage the house ? " " Yes." " Now promise me three things." " What are they ? " " First — to go with me to church regularly." I groaned. " I promise." " Second — no wine on our table ever." Oh, Lord ! " I promise." " Third — no smoking below the third story." Thank heaven, that's three. " I promise." " Now, my dear, if I let you out, will you be gcod and not do so any more ? " " Open the door. I've had enough of this nonsense."

She turned the key. I stepped out, and she threw her arms about my neck and covered my face with kisses. That was the end of my playing Petruchio.

" Peter," I asked, after he had finished, " is this the room of your confinement? "

" Yes ; it was stipulated at the time that I was to be afterwards free only here."

" Your effort was not very wise. "

" Not wiae 1 " he asked, much hurt at the renmk. " Then what has the world for two centuries seen in 'The Taming of the Shrew ' to admire 1 Was Petruchio a fool ? " " I give it up."