Echoes of the Week.

New Zealand Illustrated Sporting & Dramatic Review, Volume XIII, Issue 773, 29 December 1904, Page 15

Echoes of the Week.

(By ‘

“Ithuriel.”)

Circumstances (like a dishonest railway porter at Christmas time) alters cases, and this applies particularly to cases in which women are concerned. For instance (says “Boondi”) teaching a handsome young lady (say your wealthy employer’s pretty daughter) to ride a bike, is a perfectly celestial occupation, one at which even the typical born-tired Australian youth can work overtime without troubling to send in his bill. But teaching your employer’s fat, cranky, awkward 16-stone wife to ride a bike is simply Sheol with the lid on all the time. Delightful as the first-mentioned occupation is, however, it is not the ghost of a circumstance by the side of teaching a shapely young lady how to swim. Our Mr “Natator” is naturally a great authority on this subject, and, being at Coogee Beach with a fellow-worker the other day, the

latter was heard to say : “Look here, Bill, I wish you’d tell me the best wav to teach a young lady how to swim.” “Certainly, Edgar,” was the reply ; “there’s nothing more easy or delightful. Don’t frighten the dear girl on any account —remember that. Coax her gently in, then lead her forward, place your hand tenderly under her chin, place ” “Hold on,” interrupted Edgar ; “I forgot to tell you the lady is my sister.” “Oh !” exclaimed another chap, who chipped in : ‘‘ln that case, grab the beggar by the scruff of the neck and shove her in head first !” It’s small wonder that' it is always some other girl’s brother a young lady loves to be instructed by, not her own.

Professor Poultney Bigelow, Professor of Colonial Administration, Boston University, who passed through Auckland the other day, in an interview said that it appeared to him that Australia was far and away the most important element in the great English speaking Empire. She was, geographicallv, at the point where she had to act, possibly alone, for her own safety, if not for the integrity of the whole AngloSaxon Empire, and was by all means the most interesting point for an American student of sociology. “In the future,” he continued with enthusiasm, “I can see the Pacific as an Englishspeaking lake from San Francisco to Sydney, and the Monroe doctrine spreading throughout the islands of this part of the world —not merely a Monroe doctrine in name, but a genuine one, based up on the consent of those for whom this proctectorate may be declared.” The professor said that his travels in Africa had prepared him for finding the native races amenable to British rule, but nothing he had seen or read before equalled the extent to which he found sympathy for those of English speech amongst natives, who were credited with being cunning, cruel, and dangerous. He referred to the Malays and Papuans of New Guinea. “The English language,” he continued, “is already the language of commerce, and if a vote were taken amongst the natives I am sure it would be overwhelmingly in favour of the British flag. This does

not sound complimentary to my own Stars and Stripes, but we need facts rather than compliments at this stage of cur development.’' Australia, he said at a later stage, he supposed was like America in having too many politicians to the square inch. This was certainly a great curse in America, and had caused the waste of splendid opportunities in the Philippines. As a consequence they had made scarcely any friends amongst the natives, but in spite of all that they would soon be reaching their hand to Australia from the Philippines, as well as from San Francisco, and soon he looking to Australia as their natural protector, as well as their best market. It is almost unnecessary to add that Professor Bigelow is an enthusiastic supporter of an Anglo-American alliance.

The colonel had had a very lucky day at Rotorua, the fish had been biting well, and he had several large ones stored safely awav in the boat. He had just taken in his'line, and was pouring out his usual drink of “Scotch” before pulling in the anchor. It had been the custom of the colonel to drink alone, but something to-day prompted him to offer his guide a drink. Bert did not hesitate in his acceptance, and carefully watched the colonel pour out scarcely enough to cover the bottom of the glass. The guide was disappointed, but took the glass. “One minute before you drink that,” said the colonel. “Do you; know how old that whisky is ?” The guide did not. “That’s twenty-one years old !” “Well,” said the guide, looking at it again, “it’s pretty d n small for its age.”

“I suppose you went to l bed with the chickens while vou were in the country ?” said the caller. “No, indeed,” replied the lady of the house, somewhat shocked. “We had the best apartments in the house, second floor front. The chickens had rooms way back in the rear somewhere ; we never saw them after sunset.”

“He called vou a cheat,” said the milkman’s assistant, “and declared you water in y.our milk.” “That’a a malicious lie'” exclaimed the milkman,, indignantly. “O ! but I say I You know you do, really.” “No,.sir ! I’m always careful to put the milk in the watei, just to trip up such people as him.” '