A Dream of Affinity.

New Zealand Illustrated Magazine, Volume 1, Issue 12, 1 September 1900, Page 922

A Dream of Affinity.

By Hilda Keane

Illustrated by W. Wright

lma Coklboa was very much inclined to be in love. I say "inclined," because you must know that a woman can ' hold herself sufficiently in check whenever good sense or necessity wills it. It needs but the tiniest grain to

push the balance this way or that. And if this girl had not firmly put the thought from her whenever it arose, she would have "been desperately in love — and with a stranger ! It was curious that her emotions should act so independently of her reasonings. For, as she had never spoken to the man, how was she to assume that he was worth the loving ? But she did so assume, or something inside her did. Whenever she was free to think, she found her thoughts wandering unconsciously to a serious-looking man whose eyes seemed to pierce her very soul. She very seldom met the gaze of those eyes, for she dared not challenge the sternness of them by looking up. Sometimes she wondered if he looked at her when her own eyes were downcast, but she resisted the desire to see.

They simply met each other on the same public road, he passing upward, she downward. 3?or months they had passed each other thus, and Alma Gorlega had no suspicion of anything extraordinary in it until, one unlucky morning, she had chanced to find Mr. Serious looking at • her with searching grey eyes. They sent a tremor through her— a tremor which seemed to make her miss her footing, and tread on empty space.

Then she awoke to the fact that she was falling in love, and for the future had better avoid that steady gaze. So now she looked anywhere hut at the serious-looking stranger whom she met so often. Months passed, and Alma was as far from knowing Mr. Serious as ever. Once she had thought that there must be such a thing as affinity. But since, if there were, it must take its own course, it was wiser to face the facts of the situation, and treat the whole affair as a creation of her imagination. Alma Corlega was thus musing as she returned one evening from her duties as governess. She was weary and tired, for the day was hot, and her charges had been exceedingly troublesome. It was quite possible also that Mr. Serious had something to do with her dejection, for she had not met him for a whole month. She complacently told herself that she was very glad, and that she had quite forgotten the little romance she had so unconsciously woven. Only that very day she had been thinking of the old times when, a girl in her teens, she had promised Jack Oarmston to remain faithful to him. It seemed so long ago, and Jack had not written to her for two years. Muriel, her eldest pupil, broke in on her meditations. '• You know, Miss Corlega, there is no reason why I should study. I can speak as correctly as most people. I cannot write essays, but I shall only need to write a few letters, now and again. Mamma only writes home once a year, and I suppose I shall do the same. Besides, what is the use of learning a whole lot of rules, and writing French sentences, and practising

music ? I can always get someone to play my accompaniments, if I ever want to sing." Then with a conviction that clenched the argument, " I shall marry in a year or two, and it will all be wasted.' 1 ' "Were you ever engaged, Miss Corlega?" said fourteen-year-old Ettie, who was greatly interested in what she termed " love tales," and whose reading of such was limited to "Bow Bells," lent her by the servants, and the fiction published in the dailies. " No," Alma had answered. "At least I no ! I was never engaged to be married.' ' Involuntarily she sighed. Muriel looked curiously at her, then said, " 1 have such a headache to-day. Do say that I may leave this French stuff ! I want some flossette to finish my work, and it will be dark by five. Say that I may go to town, dear Miss Corlega, and I'll bring you the loveliest cup of tea you ever had," and Beizing the opportunity of dashing out when Alma's face showed signs of relenting, Muriel reappeared in a few minutes with hat, gloves, and purse, followed by a maid with tea. Alma finished Ettie's lessons, and promising her an interesting book in the morning, left, and was soon on her way home. At the corner she met a 'bus, and persuading herself that she was tired enough to drive, she hailed it and took her seat. All the occupants but two young girls opposite, were gentlemen. Alma sat down without looking around her, thankful for the freedom to think. " My opinion is that the case is becoming very serious," said a masculine 'voice at her elbow. Alma started. Eor a second she thought someone had been reading her thoughts. She was grateful for the veil which hid the slight blush that, despite her, mounted to her cheeks. "They talked a great deal about these arbitration boards," went on the voice; " but from a business point of view, it seems to me " Alma realised things, and felt impelled to look at the owner of the strangely familiar voice. The 'bus came to a standstill. There was

the usual hush of conversation, and the ladies on the opposite seat and a gentleman got out. Everyone experienced the sense of relief at the prospect of more room, and from the further end of the side on which Alma sat, some one stirred, and took one of the vacated seats. Alma looked up, and then started, her glance travelling past Mr. Serious through the window and on to the dusty summer road. A wild longing to be out in the air, away from this man, almost mastered her. Why should she be afraid of him ? She had a right to think as she liked about anyone, and no one knew but herself. But she felt very angry to find the spell as strong as ever at the very time when she was congratulating herself on her victory over a blind folly. The masculine voice beside her was not silent all this time, and the governess felt protected by it, why she could not- say. She only knew that she felt quite impatient every time the man ceased speaking. In about ten minutes' time — it seemed an hour — Mr. Serious had paid his fare and departed. In another ten minutes Alma had rung the bell, and was standing on the path. Someone stood beside her and held out his hand. " Well, A Hie, to think that you and I should have travelled all the way together, and not have known each other !" "0, Jack ! is it you ? I thought that I knew the voice, but I did not like to look round and stare at you. When did you come up from Otago ? I have not seen the girls lately, so have not heard any news of you for weeks. You will come in, of course?" Jack hesitated for a moment with his hand on the gate, then decided, and entered the house with his cousin. "I have brought a stranger, Mother," said Alma, as Mrs. Oorlega came down the hall to meet her. The evening meal was unusually merry. Jack Carmston talked of his work in the South, of the large estate which was increasing yearly, of the home he intended to have ready very soon. And when he came

to the latter part lie looked very meaningly at Alma, who, understanding, but not willing to appear to do so, chatted and laughed more gaily and more frivolously than she had done for years. Jack came often to see Alma, each time intending to remind her of her promise years ago, and each time she circumvented him as only a woman can circumvent an undeclared lover. But the strain was telling on her health. She came home from her pupils weary and tired, and when her cousin did not drop in, she sat for hours thinking, thinking — all to no purpose. Jack had waited in silence during the past two years in order to test her. And soon, when she could no longer prevent his speaking, she would have to tell him that the test was unsuccessful. She could never love him as a woman should love the man she was to marry. And yet she could not say that she loved anyone else, for nobody else had asked her. She was never likely to know Mr. Serious, and she was tired of the routine of her work. There seemed no outlook from it. To have to teach frivolous society girls for the meagre salary of £40 per annum, and soon get old and careworn in the struggle. And when she was old, who would there be to give her sympathy ? Perhaps she had better let that silly, romantic dream die. Jack was devoted to her. But what a return for his devotion ! And what a shabby romance to marry for convenience sake ! It was unjust to him, and it could not end happily for either. In the meantime she warded off with banter all Jack's attempts to draw her into serious conversation ; but she felt that she could hold out very little longer. She must decide one way or the other very soon. One night they were sitting, Alma with her book on her lap, and Jack turning over the leaves of a magizine that lay on the table. Silence had fallen between them. A faint colour had stolen into the clear, olive cheek, and her hazel eyes were fixed on the opposite wall. Jack threw down the book, and facing

her with a determined look iv his bluo eyes said : "Allie! Just one word." The blood surged to her brow, and her oyes bocaino rivetted to his face. She noticed and reproached herself for being able to notice how intensely blue his oyes were. She thought of another pairol: eyes, grey and piercing, and shuddered. Sho knew what was coming. She could no longer ward oil the avowal. She covered her face with her hands as Jack came over to her, and standing by her, said hoarsoly: " How long am 1 to wait, Allie, darling ? Why will you always put mo off ? 1 have been patient. And, my own girlie, .1. love you — and that is all that I can say about it. Tell me that 1 may hope to have my wife soon ! " A long, long silence. After all, the, avowal seemed to have come suddenly upon her. And a great pity sprang up in her heart for this tall, manly follow, and swept away every other feeling. She reineinberod that he had not asked her if she loved him. Lie seemed to take that for granted. And she was only a weak woman who had once prided herself on her strong will, and had thought that it would be so easy to show Jack why she could not marry him. Now she realised that ho would boo no reason in her refusal ; and she could not, for shame, tell her foolish, romantic dream. He would think that she had trifled with him, for no man can ever be made to see ■that it is he who encourages himself to hope. The girl cannot, without appearing disagreeable, be otherwise than courteous and kind, and the man calls this encouragement, and lays the flattering unction to his soul that his love is going to be returned. And he determines to win, and generally succeeds. If he fail, he calls the girl a flirt, and becomes a woman-hater until he is thrown into the company of anothor woman, and then the same process is repeated. Jack took one of Alma's hands, which had fallen to her sido. " What is your answer, Allie ?" And overcome by her pity, Alma looked fairly at the bright blue oyes, and said, " I will marry you, Jack."

After Jack had gone Alma, in her room, let the gathering tears fall, and was glad of them. She was so bitterly ashamed. She had with difficulty restrained herself from shuddering when her fiance had kissed her. The sacrifice now seemed to he on his side ; but he was perfectly happy, and her mother was pleased, and so, why should she disappoint them ? The following day brought a note from Mrs Hyanson, a dear friend, asking her to

come to Benraera to " meet a charming man whom I want you to know." Alma did not wish to go. She felt as if she wanted nothing hut solitude. But it would seem very strange for a girl of twentyfour years, newly engaged, to hide herself from the world.' Beside Jack was asked, and it was her duty to please him. So when Tuesday night came she dressed herself, and was waiting when her fiance drove up to the door. "You look as beautiful as a queen! I

wonder how I had the audacity to ask you to marry me!" said Jack, as he helped her into the vehicle. "That is just what I wonder," said Alma, with a dash of the old raillery, and she chatted so merrily to him, that by the time they reached the house Jack was more in love than ever, and Alma felt excited by the forced merriment. She was astonishing Mrs Hyanson by her unwonted vivacity, and giving to everyone in the room the impression of a per-

fectly happy woman, when there was a peal at the bell, and Alma experienced the old eerie sensation. Something was going to happen. But she must not let Jack suspect anything, and immediately recovering herself, she took up the thread of conversation, and was dazzling her fiance by the brilliance of her repartee when her hostess stood before her, and by her side a tall dark man with serious eyes, who was saying, " I have met you at last, Miss Corlega." It was Mr Serious, only Mrs

Hyanson pronounced his name " Holmsley." Jack had been carried off, and was at the other end. of the room, every now and then looking at Alma,, who, for a time kept up her animated demeanour, and then became as serious as Norman Holmsley himself. " I have wanted to know you for two years," he said. Impulsively she began : "And I " then stopped and commenced again : " It always strikes me as ludicrous that people should know each other so well by sight, and yet go on so long, perhaps for ever, without speaking to each other." As she spoke she raised her hand, and with a gesture of weariness passed it over her face. Holmsley saw the movement. He saw something else on one of her fingers. His face assumed a sterner look, and his lips compressed themselves. Jack saw the look of weariness, too, and crossing to her, said tenderly, " You are tired, dear. Shall we go ?" "I? Oh, no, Jack ! Let me introduce — " But Holmsley had gone, and Jack sat in his place. ""We'll go in about half-an-hour's time, Jack. It's too early yet." And turning to her hostess Alma readily complied with her request for a song, and sang as she had never sung before. The pathos of it moved Jack, who was

impelled to remark it to liis neighbour. Tho neighbour happened to bo Holmsloy. "You are engaged to her?" ho questioned, and receiving tho reply, congratulated Carmston in the most indifferent way. In a little while ITolmsley took his departure, mentally vowing celibacy for life, and fully convinced that hits dream of affinity had been vain and womanish, and that Alma Corlega loved the man to whom she was betrothed. He did not know that, on her knees, a dark, curly-haired girl was sobbing as if her heart would break, vainly trying to form her lips into a prayer for guidance '' Oh, God ! may 1 never meet him again ! My love ! Come to me too late ! Poor Jack ! May God help me to keep faith to you, and make me a loving wife ! 1 will love you, in spite of myself ! I shall be tho happier for having conquered myself !" And Alma Corlega crept into bed, and sobbing for the consolation that came not, resolutely made up her mind to creato the love that is begotton of love, and to be faithful and true to Jack Carmston. And who shall say that, in vowing a lifelong sacrifice, she will not meet her reward in the after-glow of happiness that comes to maturer years, when girlish dreams are laid aside and romance lies buried in tho grave, which is strewn above with flowers of tender affection and self-conquest V