"TOOTUMS."

New Zealand Illustrated Magazine, Volume 1, Issue 10, 1 July 1900, Page 40

"TOOTUMS."

By " Kiwi." Illustrated bp E. JE. Taylor.

(For the Children).

AM always hearing people say : " What I a fine cat ! What a beautiful coat jF~S he has, and only look at his whiskers !

Tootums, poor Tootums ! " And I am of the same opinion, I am really a splendid cat, and I have reason to be proud of my whiskers. But lam not proud of my photo. My mistress stupidly stood before the window when I was posing, and spoilt the effect She's a better looking woman than you'd imagine from her shadow. I weigh about

"i AM KEALLY A SPLENDID CAT.'V

thirteen pounds. My mistress weighed jme one day, she popped me in a sugar bag and put me on the scales. ' I fought and scratched at first, but she gave me a smack and said " Bad oat ! " and so I had to keep still. Why is it people will put poor cats in sugar bags to weigh them ? Once a naughty little girl put me in the coal sack. When I got out I went and sat on her best Sunday hat.

I have very strong teeth, and one day a strange dog came and I bit him for looking at me. I oaught him by the ear, and then got on his back. Off he started, and I thought I was a circus cat. It was a terrible tide, and at last I full off iulo a ditoh of dirty

water. How my mistress laughed ! She said I was a good " Tootums " for fighting the nasty dog. She gave me a saucer of milk, but I wanted meat, so she said I could go without. This was distinctly rude of her, wasn't it ?

I can catch mice and rats, if I'm in the humour. One day there were some rats in the wash-house, and I was shut in to catch them, I watched for a little while, but at last I got sleepy and went off into dream-land. The rats came out and ran round and had a grand time. At last a little girl, named May, came and awakened me, and then she began pulling the boxes about to make the rats come out. All of a sudden out jumped a huge great-grandfather rat. Oh, dear, how that little girl yelled and jumped ! All of a sudden in her fright she came down with a terrible stamp on that very same rat, and killed him. She was off like a streak of lightning, and I pounced on the old fellow and shook him and growled like a voaringlion.

My mistress came to see what was going on, aud when she saw what I had done, she said I was the most wonderful cat in the world. How I purred and pressed my claws in and oat, The great-grandfather rat was thrown in the rubbish-tin. What do you think I did ? I pulled him out and carried him to mistress' bedroom, and put the beautiful rat on her bed. When she went to bed that night she spied him, and thought it was another rat, and she nearly screamed. When she found it was my doing, she said I ought to be shut up, and kept out of mischief.

I am very fond of the butcher, he is a very fine man with a red face. He likes raw meat lam sure, and so we are good friends. He gives me meat when he comes with the cart. One day I stood up on my hind legs and stretched up my fore-paws and spread out my claws and then pressed them into his fat legs. Oh, you should have seeu him jump !

" You beggar," he cried, " I'll teach you to scratch me ! " and the next moment I was running for my life with his dog at my heels.

I went as fast as I could and ran up a post, I fuzzed up my tail and back, and opened ray mouth and glared at that clog. He barked at me and I spat at him, then I swore so badly that he got a fright and ran away.

The most terrible time I ever had was when Miss Kate was going to get married. They were so busy that they forgot all about me, and I had to steal to keep myself alive. On the wedding-day I stole a wing of duck, drank half a jug of cream, and ate a little chicken pie. They said I ought to be hanged just because I tried to get my own living.

I am very fond of chickens, dear, little fluffy things ! I like them very young and tender. One day a hen brought out a lovely brood of twelve, yellow chickens. 1 was feeling very hungry indeed, and climbed up on the fence to have a good view of them. Presently they came past me, and then they began pecking round the pig-barrel, so I stepped on the edge of the nasty, dirty thing and, oh, would you believe it? The hen stuck out all her feathers like a turkey, and gave me such a fright that I fell into the pig-barrel — head over heels ! It was something horrible ! I was nearly drowned, and there I was covered with pig's food. You never saw such a filthy sight. Greasy pigwash and curds stuck all over me. I tried to lick myself, but it touted too horribly

nasty. I went into the house and peeped into every room, till at last I got to the drawing-room. Everything looked so comfortable there that I got on tho best oasy chair and went to sleep.

When I awakened I felt a little drior, as a great deal of the pig- wash and grease had soaked into the cushions. The front door boll rang, so I slipped off the chair and got underneath. In another moment a grand lady sailed into the room. She was bo kind, for she sat in the pig- wash chair, and hid mo while I waited to get away. Suddenly she said: "What a smell of pigs!" I nearly died of laughter, for peoplo as a rule say " What a smell of cats ! " I thought it was time to ''get," — so I "got," and ran out of the front door, and sat on the gato to watch. After a while the old lady came out, holding her noye with her handkerchief. As she passed me I turned up my nose, for oh, she did smell so strong of pig-wash ! I don't think she ever came to see my mistress again. I have a very bad enemy next door. Ho is always quarrelling with me. One day I was sitting on a post wagging my tail, when my enemy came along. He was so rude to me that I got off my post and boxed his ears —"One, two, three ! There, take that : " I cried, and then he said ; " Four, five, six, seven ! There, take that ! " And noxt moment we were rolled up in a ball, hugging

each other like fan. Ifc -was bite, bite, bite and scratch, scratch, scratch ; wo scratched and bit as only cats can. AM of a tmdi.icn J

saw his tail in the air. I got it in my mouth, and bit it with all my might — I nearly bit it off. Oh, please don't laugh, he jumped up and ran away, and I found the tail was my own ! It was nearly bitten in two, and it has had a kink in it ever since. When cats see it, they say : " What's the matter with your tail?" I tell them it happened in a battle where there were ten thousand cats, and I was the only one left alive! I had to bury them all, and that nearly broke my tail. I have another cat enemy. He is an ugly yellow fellow, and I call him " Ginger," and he calls me "Pig-wash," for I'm sorry to say he saw me fall into the barrel that terrible time. One morniug we met, and he said : " Good-day, to you ! Will you come and sing at the concert to-night?" I thought for a moment, and then I shut my eye to think better. " Well, let me see," I said, " you know I have a beautiful voice, so I shall expect to get a good part, Mr. Ginger." "Yes, you are a good squaller," said rude Tom Jones, for that was his real name. "And you are a twopenny concert shrieker !" I replied. " And you are another ! " was his insulting reply. "You are a hideous ginger cat!" I shouted, getting in a rage. " And you are another ! " he answered. "You are a disgusting rat-catcher!" I howled. " And you are another ! " he again replied. "You are a rat! " "And you are another ! " Eveiything I said, he said " You are another!" Now I can't bear rude cats, so I scooted after him like a gi'eased monkey, and bit him on the nose. His tooth unfortunately caught in my eye, and that is why I squint so.

Being such a handsome cat, I am always asked to take part in concerts. Once we had a concert under a gentleman's bedroom window. We waited till everybody was in bed, so that they could hear our singing in their dreams. W lien all the lights were out

we started. Some sang very deep— bass they call it, and others sang very high — treble, I think that is called. Well, we were going a perfect see-saw, when the window was quickly thrown up and a young man threw us out a boot. When all was quiet again we made another start. All of a sudden we heard a noise, and out came another boot, followed by a comb. " Goodness !" said my sweetheart, " these presents are for singing so well." Then we made another start, and out came a boot brush; this came out of another window that we had not seen before. In the hurry-skurry Pat Jones trod on my sweetheart's tail, and there was a row. I set to work to kill the fellow, and in a minute there was a battle. All sorts of things came out

of the windows — boots, shoes, looking-glasses, combs, hair-pin boxes, ink bottles, pen-holders, in fact all the nouns in the nearest houses. We howled and mewed, and mawed and squalled like furies ; we bit, kicked and scratched. We were all rolled up in a huge ball, like a stack of hay, only it was a stack of cats instead. Some of us had come from Auckland, some from Dunedin and other towns such as Christchurch, New Plymouth, Blenheim, Nelson and Wellington, and each fought for his country's honour. Well at last they began to get a cannon fixed up in one of the windows, so we all cleared as best we could. Next day some of us were missing, and I fear some were shot. My dear sweetheart had her leg broken, and has given up going to concerts now. I got my fur singed, but it soon grew all right. So much for our concert. Good-bye, my dear children, I hope yon have concerts and birthday parties, and that you are fond of cats.