Anecdotes and Sketches.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLIII, Issue 15, 13 October 1909, Page 71

Anecdotes and Sketches.

Grave and Gsy, Epigrammatic and Otherwise.

The Curse of Genius. THE sombre, long-haired, seedylooking man was speaking in a voice of rolling thunder. “ A million times a million fateful curses sit balefully athwart his hateful head of tow! Through the gloomy eons may his black soul flit homeless for ever!” “ Off his balance, I suppose?” observed the stranger. “ Oh, no,” said Smith, “ that’s Rimer, the well-known poet; swearing at the editor who rejected hi?s verses.”

A “ Roast ” All Round? The minister had just finished a little opening talk to the children, preparatory to the morning service, when Mrs. Berkeley suddenly realised, with all the agony of a careful housewife, that she had forgotten to turn the gas off from the oven in which she had left a nicely cooked roast, all ready for the final reheating. Visions of a ruined dinner and a smoky kitchen roused her to immediate effort, and, borrowing a pencil from the young man in front, she scribbled a note. Just then her husband, an usher in the church, passed her pew. With a murmured “Hurry!” she thrust the note into his hand, and he, with an understanding nod, turned, passed up the aisle, and handed the note to the minister. Mrs. Berkeley saw the act in speechless horror, and shuddered as she saw the minister smilingly open the note and begin to read. But her expression of dismay waa fully equalled by the look of amazement and wrath on the good man’s face •s ihe read the words. “Go home and torn •fi the gas!”

His Belongings? “I presume,”' said the lodger stonily, at the conclusion of the little dispute with his landlady—“l presume that you will allow me to take my belongings away with me?” “I am sorry,” was the icy reply, “but your other collar has not yet come home from the laundry.”

Stopped Jnst in Time. “It is time,” said the speaker, “that we had a moral awakening in this town. Let us arise in our might. Let us gird up our loins. Let us take off our coats. Let us bare our arms. Let us ” “Hold on now,” screamed an angular lady, who was seated near the platform; “if this is to be a moral awakening, don’t you dare to propose to take off another thing.”

Looking for An Explosion. There is a man in a Midland town whose name is Burst. It is a misfortune that would not have attracted much attention if he had not called his two children Annie May and Ernest Will.

The Hungry Man. A certain town council after a protracted sitting was desirous of adjournin'* for luncheon. The proposition was opposed by the mayor, who thought that if his fellow-councillors felt the stimulus of hunger the dispatch of business would be much facilitated. At last an illiterate member got up and exclaimed: “I ham astonished, I ham surprised, I ham amazed, Mr. Mayor, that you will not let us go to lunch!” “I’m surprised,” exclaimed one of his colleagues, “that a gentleman who has got so much - ham’ in his mouth wants any lunch at all!”

The Canny Scot. A Scottish farmer one day called to a farm lad. “Here, Tam, gang roon and gie the coos a cabbage each, but min’ ye gie the biggest to the coo that gies the maist milk.” The boy departed to do his bidding, and on his return the farmer asked him if he had done as he was told. “Aye, maister,” replied the lad, “I gied ’em a’ cabbage each, and hung the biggest on the pump-handle.”

Spare the Horses. A cavalry sergeant at a Western post had endured the stupidity of a recruit for many days. One day the “rookie” was thus greeted when he had violated the sergeant’s orders: “Say, don’t ever come at the horses from behind without speakin’ to them!” exclaimed the sergeant. “They’ll be kicking in that thick head of yours! Then the first thing you know there’ll be a lot o’ lame horses in the squadron.”

The Professor Scores. “Has anything ever been discovered on Venus?” asked the student of astronomy. “No,” replied the old professor, whose mind had slipped a cog and transported him into mythological fields, “not if ths pictures of her are authentic.”