ANECDOTES AND SKETCHES

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXVII, Issue 21, 24 November 1906, Page 30

ANECDOTES AND SKETCHES

THE INSIDE I’RICE. Mark Twain some time ago told this story at a dinner given to Tax Commissioner Charles I’utzcl at the Freiindselraft Society Club House in New York. “I saw Mr I’utzel twenty-five years ago in Putnam’s book store. I went in there and asked for George H. Putnam, and handed in my eard. A young man took it in,‘but came baeli and said that Mr ■Putnam was busy and could not see me. J had merely gone there on a social call, and started' to leave. As 1 was going .out my eye was attracted to a big. fat. interesting-looking book. It was entitled. ’The Invasion of England in the Fourteenth Century by the Friars.’ I Asked the price of it. “ ’Four dollars,’ was the answer. “ 'What discount do yon allow- pub lishers* •' ‘Forty per cent off. “ ‘Well,’ 1 said, 'I am a publisher.’ “He put down the figures MO per cent’ er. the card. “I said. ‘What discount do you allow authors?' “He said. ‘4O per cent.’ “ Well.’ I said, ‘I am an author. You can put that down. What discount do you allow the clergy?’ “He said, “20 per cent.’ “ Well.' T said, ‘I am one on the road.’ I took 20 per cent for that. “He put down the figures and never smiled once. Here I was working off all these scintillating brilliancies on him. and not even a spark of recognition. I was almost in despair. I thought I would try him once more, so I said: “‘You know I am also a member of tin Human Race. Would you allow me 10 per cent off for that*’ “He set that down —never smiled —so I •■‘There is my card with niy address or. ii. t have no money with me. Send the bill Jo my home at. Hartford.’ "I picked up the book and was going away when he said: ‘Wait a minute; there is forty cents coming to you.’’’ ♦ ♦ ♦ WANTED TO SIT. A trained ostrich recently disconcerted it- exhibitor at a vaudeville house by continually endeavouring to break away from all restraints and to climb over the footlights into the orchestra. The widely advertised act came to a sudden end, and Professor Smart emerged from behind the curtain and apologised for the actions of his pet in about these words: “Lydies and gentlemen. H’i ham very sorry to disappoint you this hevening. We are compelled to cease our hengagenient until the theatre management hengages a new horchestra leader. The one at present hemployed 'er.- ’as no ’air on top of ’is ‘ead and my bird takes it for a hegg." ♦ ♦ ♦ LOGIC. “Hur-rumph!” said good old Parson Bagster. in the midst of a recent sermon. “Muh friend-, when de prognostic and de in fiddle 'sails yo’. answer him wid logic -—give ’em de word wid de bark on! Don’t humhaw around and ’pologise for de faith dat am in yo'. but th’ow de harpoon of de p'inted troof into ’em plump '.up to de han’le! Des de yudder day, .when I was uh-’spostulatin’ on de cawlier by de post-office 'bout de Chil'rUi of Jzrul uh-crussin' de Red Sea dry shod While de 'Gyptshuns drownded when dey tried to fuller, I ’.--plained de. pheenomination by sayin' dat de Chil'ren, bein' ’dustrious folks, got up in de cool of de hiawnin' liefo’ breakfast and crossed on de ice, while de plague-faked lazy ’Gpytshun.- waited twell after noon, and what wid de weight of deir puMonalities and deir dinners, dey all boolged th’oo de ice and was drownded slicker dan a whistle; ’.well-uh. and up steps a prognostic, one of dese yuh young yaller niggers wid dess enough education to make ’em cunnin' —he butted into de agitation, he did, ,and ’lowed, in a pompous sawt o' way, dat <le Red Stea was located so close to de Equator dat no ice never froze dar. ** ‘Well uh, young Mister Belcher — I

healis hat dat ’s yo’ name, sab!’—says I. right sharp and snappish. "Well-uh, young Mister Belcher, yo’ forgits to organise one 'pawtaat p’int in yo’ specification. and dat. muh deah young and indigenous friend, an de fact dat dat ’ar circumstance done happened long befo’ de Equator was invented. And I darfo' politely invites yo’ to git off whuh yo’ got on at!’ “And yo’ awlub yeahed de bruddren chuckle! Hat’s it. muh people; when dey ’-ails yo' wid deir skeptualities give 'em logic—and give it to ’em fum de shoulder!’’ ♦ ♦ ♦ BUSINESS IS BUSINESS. An aged Jew. feeling his hours were numbered, called his son to his bedside, and said:— ■’Yell. Ikey, your poor ole father's going to leave you at last.’’ “No. Fader, don’t say that!’’ “Yes: Ikey. I’m a very old man. ninety was a good age.’’ “Ah! Yell. Fader, vot of it? Vy shouldn't you live till 100?” "Ikey. my boy, that’s not pizness. Vy should heaven vait till I am at ‘par,’ ven it can take me at 90?” ♦ ♦ > TOO BAD. Letter from a young Arab servant to his employer, a lady, on her leaving the country for England:— Dear and honoured Madam.— I send you a bouquet of flowers as a toker of the esteem and regard I have to you for your kindness during time 1 am in your service. Alas! the flowers’will soon fade, an-1 their perfume vanish, but you. my dear Mrs Tohipkinson. will smell for ever, &e.. &c. +. ♦ ♦ EVEN IN THE POISON. Upton Sinclair, author of “ The Jungle.’’ told at a dinner in New York, apropos of the pure-food laws, a story of four flies. “ Four flies, four brother flies,’’ he said. “ set out into the world, one summer day. to seek their fortunes. " Up and down they flew, and finally, a window being open, they found themselves in a large, delightful room. There was a great white table in the middle of the room, and on it many tempting viands were spread. " The first fly, with a buzz of delight, settled upon a dish of lovely, ambereolouied jam. He ate his fill. Then, with a low cry of agony, he expired. The jam. alas, was adulterated with copperas. ” The second fly saw in his comrade’s fate a moral. Luxuries, he reasoned, ■were deadly. He would stick, therefore, to the plainest, simplest things. And so he fell to upon a crust of bread, and in another moment breathed his last. The bread was adulterated with alum. “The third fly was so grieved over the fate of his two comrades that he resolved to drown his sorrows in drink. There was a glass of beer handy. He settled into it greedily. But the beer was adulterated with cocculus indieus. ami in less than a minute the fly, quite dead, floated with limp wings on the-sur-face of the amber fluid. " In despair the fourth fly hid himself in a corner. Sorrow overpowered him. •Large tears rolled from his compound eyes. And unfortunately in this mood, his glanee fell upon a large dish of-fly poison. “‘What is life.’ he muttered, 'without my three dear brothers? I’ll kill myself.’ “ And he sipped a little of the poison. It was palatable, even appetising. Resolved to make a good job of it, he drank greedily, and. still drinking, awaited the end. “ But the end did not come. The fly poison, like everything else in the room. 'was adulterated. The little insect found it harmless. Indeed, it cheered, exhilarated. strengthened him, so that he no longer desired death." ■ - ■