AS SEEN THROUGH WOMAN’S EYES.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXIV, Issue 5, 4 February 1905, Page 58

AS SEEN THROUGH WOMAN’S EYES.

The Bitter Sweet of the Honeymoon.

(BY

HELEN OLDFIELD.)

Excepting upon the principle of •’lncus a non lucendo.’* the gentle satire of some inisogainist, it is impossible to account for the term honeymoon as applied to the first month of married life, there is little doubt that most married people (provided one could catch them in a rare mood of intellectual honesty), would confess that at times the smiling countenance which they wore during, their honeymoon concealed (or failed to conceal) the most awful desolation ot spirit which they have ever experienced either before or since; that the accredited period of bliss was. to say the least, far more bitter than sweet, and that they were continually tormented by the fear that they had made a fearful and ir remediabh* mistake. For, of all th. I.mar things that chai.A The one that shows most ncKle and strange, And takes the most eccentric range. Is the moon, so-called, of honey!" In the first place, it is a period of transition, and transition is rarely pleasant. The relations between husband and wife, necessarily differ from those between lovers, ami it requireth much tact upon the part of the man not to assert his sense of possession too strongly, and so startle, not to say shock, his bride, who finds herself suddenly cut off from all her old associations, and occupying a new position, which gives her a cat-in-a-st range-garety feeling, and renders her either painfully shy or too affectionate. Transplanting is always attended with some risk; acclimation must be paid for in pain. It goes without saying, that the better the two know each other the more honest and sincere they have been during their courtship, the less painful will be their awakening after marriage. Where there is both love and trust, coupled with common sense; a sense of humour, which comes next to it in the matter of adaptability, and a broad view of life, the disillusion should be only a passing cloud, which will make the sunshine all the brighter for the temporary shade. Where there has been conscious, or even involuntary deception, an unreal position, or exaggerated idealisation upon either side. the pain of disillusion will be sharp, and its effects permanent. Things may be bravely endured for the sake of others, but there will be a smart under the smile, an aching void in the life which hope had pictured as so full.

More or less disillusion there must be; it is impossible to love and marry, nor expect too much. The honeymoon is bound to disclose many hitherto unsuspected phases of character. Both lovers have been kept in check by les convenances, and both have been on dresti parade. The husband sees his wife in all circumstances, actually and metaphorically, with her hair out of curl;

while the husband’s real self i< shown in all its strength and weakness. Men and women, before marriage, see many tilings from an altogether- different point of view. The things whieh were admired as virtues in the sweetheart may become faults in the wife. It is difficult to adjust the focus to suit both husband and wife, so that botli shall agree. We build the highest kind of fences, so to speak, around our girls while we turn our boys out to graze on the common of life, in the firm persuasion that “roughing it” is a beneficial experience for them. Consequently, the habits of young men are so different from those of young women that the revelations which take place after marriage not infrequently occasion a sudden revulsion of feeling, whieh plunges the poor bride into an abyss or wretchedness, which is inexplicable to, and is apt to be resented by, the bridegroom. It is only natural for young, romantie, novel reading girls to imagine that all their troubles are to end at the church door; that, according to the traditional formula, they and their Edwins are to live happy forever after. To a certain extent they are reasonable in such expectations; for a while. Much will be yielded to the novelty of position, and in the first enthusiasm of marital affection. which will not be given when the novelty wears off. and the first glow of the lover’s passion has subsided into the natural, calm assertion of the husband’s rights; the husband who justly expects that his wife will be a helpmeet to him. Girls who marry, supposing that life is to be all rose colour, make a dire mistake. However bright their prospects, and however happy the marriage, it is or ought to be the entrance into a more abundant life, with duties and obligations which cannot fail to render it a strenuous one. It may not always be possible, nevertheless it is well, to begin as one means to keep on, not, as stablemen say, to start a pace which cannot be maintained. Newly made husbands often err in the indulgence of every whim on the part of pretty and capricious wives; later on, when they strive to remedy the error, they are apt to resort to an unnecessary display of harshness and severity which does more harm than good. It is a fallacy that “a good beginning makes a bad ending;” on the contrary, the adage that “Well begun is half done,” has much more truth. A wife should be her husband’s dearest and nearest friend, his equal in the qualities of heart and mind; capable both of advising him and consoling him; a true woman, ready with sympathy and help, his companion and associate; not a goddess to be adored, nor yet a doll, to be petted and made a plaything of. In the close intercourse of domestic life the wife and the husband must ni eessarily act and react each upon the other, and either be knit together or driven apart. Probably the first lesson which a bride learns, a hard one, often, is that she must make allowances for things of which she never dreamed. How

many wives remember the agony of the tirst night spent at the club, the first “stag” party, and the coming home in the small hours; the first refusal to gratify them in some trivial matter, and, above all, the first terrible consciousness that the husband whom they have wedded, believing him superior t. all other men. is only an ordinary mortal, with an excellent opinion of himself, and an unmistakable determination to have his own way, and to please himself, regardless of other people, including his wife, whom he expects to fulfill to the letter her promise to obey.

It is no wonder under such circumstances that the petted girl, accustomed to have all her wishes consulted, who has been the centre of a lively circle, nor ever known what it was to spend an evening alone, should sit down among her strange surroundings, to “cry her eyes out.” and indulge in vague thoughts of packing her trunks, and fleeing to her father and mother, to the home whieh she was eager to leave, but which she now longs for as the sweetest, safest spot on earth. Also it is a sad disappointment to the young husband, wim expects the knowledge and experience which his mother possessed from an unlessoned girl, to discover her ignorance. He has need to possess his soul in patience, and be satisfied with her efforts to please him, evt n though they be mistaken. So strong i~ the temptation. at least once, upon the part of many newly married couples to break their ties that it is surprising that so few among the young, ignorant, and inexperienced do not do so. It says much for the influence of sober second thought, and the sense of duty, the substratum of common sense which usually underlies youthful folly that it is the rare exception when both do not resolutely make the best of it. to find that best good beyond all that they had hoped.

Do SomaHiing.

WHAT THOSE MISS WHO HAVE NO OCCUPATION. There are none so miserable as those who have nothing to do. No one enjoys life to the fullest unless he has something to occupy the faculties with which he has been gifted. Habits of idleness are acquired. Activity is natural to every normally constituted human being from earliest childhood. We are all familiar with the ceaseless activity of tiny children, who are here, there, and everywhere. Indeed, it is a source of universal amazement that so many steps can be taken in the course of a day by two short legs, and that without evidence of conscious fatigue. That is because the steps are not taken continuously. Put those same tiny feet on a long and uninteresting path, with

a definite destination to be reached in a given time, and they will soon grow weary.

The nervous system in very young children is too mobile and excitable, as one author says, to “admit of long-sus-tained effort in any one direction, a fact of special moment in the education of children in whom the mental powers are deficient.” The very restlessness of the normally constituted child indicates that his tasks should be extremely short and slight. They should also be of great variety, that his numerous faculties may have scope for exercise. A sense of responsibility is almost the foundation of character, and occupation affords a fine opportunity for its development. Every member of a family should daily be responsible for some effort which should conduce to the comfort. convenience, or pleasure of the household. There are many duties children can perform in a home where there is one maid-of-all-work, or possibly none at all. The wise mother will take advantage of such conditions to establish habits of industry and consideration in the child. Young children should be allowed to spend by far the greater part of their time in play; but while the greatest possible liberty should be permitted children in their recreations, we should bear in mind that, as one author has expressed it, “Lawlessness and ungoverned caprice during play-hours are the foundation of misuse of civic freedom. A sympathetic mother can introduce

much of the play-spirit into work which the child might otherwise regard as a hardship. In a hundred ways work can be made to seem like play; but the thoughtful mother will not fail to sound a subtle note of duty through it all. The right form of occupation for any man or woman is that which leads to the development of all their faculties. The effort to find the right form of occupation cannot be made too early in life.

Children should be given opportunities to express themselves through the work of their hands; it is surprising how varied will often be the tastes and talents in a single family. Even the most gifted people are often lacking in the exceedingly important faculty of concentration, without which no one can ever hope to attain to permanent and enduring success. Cultivation of this faculty in childhood would prevent many a wasted life. Children should be taught through their occupations the necessity of this power of concentration. Carlyle said: “Blessed is he who has found his work.” All are not so fortunate as to labour in the field they like the best; but all who think must admit the steadying influence exercised bywork, and its inestimable value in seasons of bereavement and great mental depression. It is through observation of the lives of adults that we obtain our most impressive object-lessons.

Religion and work should always be united. Without work religion is apt to retrograde into a dreamy sentiment; while, without religion, work loses its most vital inspiration. Necessity can spur one on to the accomplishment of great tasks; but the greatest joy in work is attained when the individual works not only for God, but with God.

Intrusion of Untrained Children

Parents too often fail to remember that there are moments in every life when the intrusion of a small person with short socks, an enquiring mind, and sticky fingers does not add to the undiluted' joy of existence. Usually one regards other people’s children with an affection that is calm rather than enthusiastic, and such a regard does not bear the strain of having an untrained child convert one into a victim upon which to work off its pranks. Mother love is a beautiful thing, but the love which demands that all persons shall share her regard for her own more ox- less snubnosed, mischief-loving little torments, is rather too great a strain of friendship; and has an unpleasant way of weighing somewhat heavily upon the overworked politeness of mere acquaintances. Fox- an unbiassed opinion of a child’s real character. it is necessary to interview the neighbours, who, if normal beings, will be unable to refrain from retailing a long list of delinquencies for which the child in question is supposed to be re sponsible.