The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXVIII, Issue XIX, 10 May 1902, Page 928

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

equally to blame. ••You needn't hide that letter you're writing. That’s impolite. I wasn't looking - at it." “You shouldn't have noticed that I was trying to hide it. That wasn’t polite, either." NATURAL MIRRORS. The Lawyer You say that you were walking behind this woman, could not distinguish her figure be* cause of the cape she wore, saw nothing of her face, and yet knew that she was a very pretty woman. How do you account for that? I’he Witness—-Well. I could see the faces of the men coming towards me. ALMOST TRUE. “Now." commenced the attorney for the green goods men, "it is stated that when you discovered that the tin box held sawdust you exploded with laughter. How do you reconcile th’, statement with your claim that you were inflamed with wrath?" "It ain't exactly the facts. Judge." said the plaintiff. “1 acknowledge that I was busted, but I deny that I la ughed."

BROIGHT BACK TO EARTH. Be (sentimentally): Often when 1 hmk up at the stars in the firmament I cannot help thinking how small, now insignificant I am after all. She (saucily): Doesn't that thought ever strike you except when you look at the stars in the firmament? NEAREST SHE GOT TO IT. 'Have you ever,” the girl from Boston asked, “imide a critical study of Paradise Lost'?” "No." replied the lady who was lip from St. Louis, “but 1 lived in Paradise. Tex., once for three months.” CREATING AN IMPRESSION. Dickie ('holly Hardupe has hit on a great scheme. Archie What is it ? Dickie He puts gasoline on his handkerchief, rubs a spot or two of axle-grease on his hands, and everybody thinks he owns an automobile.

AN OPTICAL ILLUSION. Lady of the House—Why, Bridget, this chair is covered with dust! Bridget—Well, well! An’ I alius fought it was rale silk! BARNYARD HUMOUR. "Say. what’s the proper way to sit on a nest?" asked the young pullet, nervously. "Hatch-way,” replied the old hen. cackling sillily. TOO MANY BILLS. "Lord Needtnonneigh asked me if lie could be my valentine.” "And you told him ” “That there was too much postage due on him.”

THAT CONCERNED HIM MOREMrs Jay: Do you know, dear, 1 believe baby sometimes cries in her sleep? Jay (savagely): 1 don’t know about that, but 1 know she often cries in mine. FOLLOWED 1)1 RECT ION S. *’We shall have to try again,” said the photographer, inspecting the result oi the first sitting. “You seem to have had one eye shut.” “You I old me to wink naturally,” saTd the sitter, “and that's what I was trying to do.” MAN—VAIN MAN. He car. explain the wireless telegraph system to his wife —and his letters come back to him for better direct ions. iie manifests scorn of royalty—and j»-'Hs the crowd that follows a visiting m l ’t man. He pays £ 1 to see two cheap prizefighters maul each other—and whips his son for fighting with another boy at school. He laughs at the green goods jokes in the papers—and forgets about the time he sent money for Joe Miller. He explains just how to settle the differences between England and the Transvaal—and goes to law with his neighbour over a line fence. He derides woman for her frequent changes of fashion and gives his overcoat away because it is not full enough in the back. He sneers at faith cure —and tries all the hair tonics that are recommended to him. IT IS REASON. New Pop: I think this boy has the making of a great statesman in him. Old Pop: Why? New Pop: He is always getting his friends into rows, and then running away and leaving them to fight it out.

GRANDMA WOULD BE PLEASED. Miss Lovelorn—Ah! Sometimes I ask myself is life worth living? Grandma—Well, my dear, I wish I had as much time to find out as you have. ON A LARGER SCALE. “It’s just horrid, Bertie, to think of living in a flat after we are married." “You don't love me when yon talk that way.” “Oh. yes, I do, but not on a small scale.” IN THE YEAR 1950. SAY. Cape Town: The report that the war is over proves to be premature. Lord Kitchener regrets to announce that a one-armed Boer mounted on a three-legged ox attacked a British column near Bloemfontein yesterday, and after inflicting’ severe loss fell back to the mountains. More troops are to be asked for from England, and every preparation made for an aggressive campaign. Lon Don: The official report that there is still a Boer alive has cast a gloom over the capital. The gravest fears are entertained for the empire. CULINARY. “My predecessor, I believe,” said the new missionary, “did not live here very long. I suppose the climate killed him.” “Really,” replied the ■ •annibal chief, “I rather incline to the belief that our cooking had a great deal to do with it.” JUST WHAT SHE WANTED. Mrs Whyte: Mr Watkyns gave his wife a handsome pair of opera glasses for a birthday present. Mrs Black: I can imagine how 'leased she is. She will find them so convenient to watch the doings of the neighbours with.

TOUCHED A DIFFERENT SPOT. Mother (tearfully): It gives me as much pain as it does you to punish you. Tommy (also tearfully): P’raps it does, but not. in the same place. HIS PLEA. “Vat! Do you mean to charge me 10/ a visit?” “That is my regular rate to every one.” “Yase, but I introduced der disease into der neighbourhood!” A NECESSARY CONSEQUENCE. She: I suppose it is hard to eliminate flattery from portrait painting? The Artist: Yes; we have'To eliminate a good many of the sitters.

A NEW PHASE. “Beware, sir, how you order me not to see your daughter again. I belong to the Lovers' Union, and one word from me will boycott her.” NOT TO BE DROWNED. “Here’s a temperance lecture in a nutshell.” said the good woman, and she read aloud: “While under the influence of liquor John Williams fell into the river and was drowned.” “My dear woman.” replied her unregenerate husband, “that merely shows the evil effect of too much water after one’s whisky.

FACE. Mistress: What! going to leave? Well, you want a character, 1 suppose ? Cook: Yis, mum, but Oi wish ye'd soign a fictitious name to it, mum. Oi don't loike it known that Oi’ve worked for such paypie. BASE OF HIS BELIEF. S'ingleton: Say, Wederly, is it true that you believe in second sight? Wederly: You bet it is. My marriage was the result of love at first sight. ALL FINE. "Here, waiter, gimme my hat.” “What kind of a hat was it, sir?” “A new one.” “I beg your pardon, sir, but the new ones were all gone a half hour ago.” A SUBSTITUTE. Friend: Got any defence? Criminal: No; but I've got a firstclass lawyer. NOT HIS EXPERIENCE. Eirst Suburbanite: Don't you believe in the literal inspiration of the Scriptures? Second Suburbanite: Well, hardly! There's that text that what a man sows he shall reap. MUSICAL. Berty: What would you think, dear, if I should say you were a harp of a thousand strings? Gerty: I should think that you were a lyre. HOW TRUE. Miss Middlage: How true is is that the older we grow the less we appreciate the things that used to delight us in childhood ! Miss Pert: Yes, especially birthdays. RETROSPECTIVE. Miss Lovelorn: Ah, sometimes I ask myself is life worth living. Grandma: Well, my dear, I wish I had as much time to find out as you have. IMITATION THE SINCEREST FLATTERY. A bird dealer was considerably startled the other day by a man rushing into his shop and insisting on the return of a parrot he had purchased some time back. "Why,” remarked the dealer, •“you’ve had him three months. What’s the matter with him?” “W—w—well, the b—b—b—blessed b—b—bird st—st—st-—utters.”