The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXVII, Issue XXI, 23 November 1901, Page 1012

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

HARD TO UNDERSTAND. Little Jane, aged six, was a terror for asking questions. A neighbour died, and Jane wanted to go in and see the remains. She solemnly agreed io ask no questions. When she came home her mother said, “Did you keep your promise?” “Did you say anything?” "I only just said I should not suppose that just losing the judge’s soul out of him would have made such a change in his looks.” HIS PREDESTINED COURSE. "lint, my son,” said the fond parent. “if you do not attend school and college regularly you will never be regarded as an intellectual light.” "Oh. yes. I will, papa,” responded the fair-haired youth; “I intend to make a few millions and then endow colleges, and thus acquire more degrees than I could win in a lifetime of study.” With eyes moist with pride, the father hade the child go bravely forward upon the path of duties. WELD BRED. Mrs. llatterson —Are those people who have moved next door to you well bred? Mrs. Calerson —Oh, yes. They answered all my questions, and never asked me one about myself.” A GENTLE HINT. Diner—Come, tell me straight. Is it any real advantage to a man who gives you a tip? Truthful Waiter—Honestly, I can’t say that it is; but it is apt to go hard with tlie gentleman that doesn't tip GOING TO EXTREMITIES. Mrs. Wunder—Yes, our new cook is an awfully good girl, but I think she is almost fanatical. Mrs. Askit—How is that? Mrs. Wunder—Why, she is so opposed to flirting that she will not mash the potatoes.

AN ILLUSTRATED DEFINITION TAKING IT EASY.

BETTER THAN EVIDENCE. .higgles—His lawyer is getting him a new trial. Did he find more evidence? Waggles — No. The prisoner’s friends found more money. NOT A SUCCESS. “I warn you,” he said, threateningly. “to keep away from Miss Bilton. I’ve been making love to her myself.” “Have you really?” replied his rival. “Well, she’ll be glad to have the matter cleared up.” “Cleared up! What do you mean?” “Why. she said she thought that's what you’d been trying to do, but she wasn’t sure.” HE DREW FROM LIFE. Sue—You said you were going to marry an artist, and now you’re engaged to a dentist. Flo —Well, isn’t he an artist? He draws from real life! A rOSHR. Owner of Dog*: “He ate your pup, quite true; but then you see, your pup ate his meat first. How was the poor ehap to get it otherwise?” UNFORTUNATE. “You are looking handsome tonight, Miss Flite,” Bagster remarked in the pauses of the dance. “So Mr Smythe told me a few minutes ago.” liagst er (only remembering that Smythe is a hated rival): “Well, you wouldn’t believe anything that idiot said, would you?”

OUR SERVANTS. Master : Joseph, if Mr calls while I am away, tell him that 1 shall be back by to-morrow morning. Joseph : A’es, sir ; but if he does not call, what am I to tell him? NAUTICAL. Mr A.: “Isn’t Miss Ella rigged up in grand style?” Mr I’.: “No wonder; she is steering a straight course for the harbour of matrimony!” ALONG DIFFERENT PATHS. The Squire: “I don’t seem to know your face, my man. Do you live about here?” Old Rustic: “Yes. sir. But. yer see 1 ain’t often at the public ’ouse.” DIFFICULT TO SOLVE. Prisoner: “Well, this ain’t much of a world to live in. I don't think. When I prosecutes me profession I gets three years for burgling, and when I don’t I gets took hup for ’avinir no visible means of support! ’Ow’s a man ter live?” “They say he ran through his wife’s money in two years.” “What caused the delay?”

GREATLY RELIEVED. Employee: “Sir, I would like to sq ink to you a moment upon a very serious matter.” Merchant: “Don’t bother me.” “But ” “Go away to work, I say.” “1 want to. ask your consent to my marriage with your daughter Nellie, and ” "Oh, is that so? Take her, my boy, and may Heaven bless you both! I thought you were going to ask for an increase of salary.”

HOPELESS. Turnbull (consolingly) : But perhaps she didn’t mean to refuse you once and for all. She might Dragge: It came to the same thing. She said she was willing to wait until I could support her. REMINDED HER. “Doesn’t washing day seem to take all the poetry out of life, Mrs Soapem ?” “No, indeed; in fact, I never tackle these threadbare garments, but I am reminded of Tennyson's lines, ‘Wring out the old.’ ” CUTTING. He: “What would you do. madam, if you were a gentleman?” She: “Sir, what would you do if you were one?*’ DELICATELY PUT. He: “How many bridesmaids are you going to have, dearest?” She: “None.” He: “Why, I thought you had set your heart on it.” She: “I had; but. fr m present indications. the girls I v.a wHI all lie married first!” A LITTLE AHEAD. Doctor: “From now you may let your husband have a glass of beer every day—you understand?” Wife: “Yes, doctor; just one glass a day.” Doctor (a week later): “Now. I hope you have kept strictly to that one glass ner day that I allowed vour husband to take?” Wife : “Most decidedly, doctoronly he is four weeks in advance with his allowance.” AT THE BUTCHER’S SHOP. Young Housewife —Any liver today. Mr. Bones? Butcher—Yes, madam. Young Housewife —Then I’ll taketen pounds; but. please see that it is not that wretched torpid kind, which the doctors say is the cause of so much disease.

BUT A MAN CAN, OF COURSE. Potts: Now, you mustn’t let it go any further. Watts: Oh. certainly not; but how did you hear it? Potts: My wife told me. Just like a woman. Can’t keep a secret. WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS. “John, dear, does your business bring you into contact with publishers?” asked the innocent little wife. “Yes,” John replied, hesitatingly. “But why do you ask?” “You were talking in your sleep about bookmakers.” LARGE DOSES. Fortieth Friend (since breakfast): By Jove! old fellow, you’ve got a fearful cold! What are you taking for it? Sufferer (hoarsely): Advice. HER CAUSE FOR COMPLAINT. “Yes, she wouldn’t speak to the editor when she met him. “Had he offended her?” “I should say he had! His society reporter called her one. of the past century’s buds.” A LITTLE CYNIC. Little Dick: You can say what you please ’bout boys, but mens is polite, anyhow-. Mens always give up their seats to ladies. Little Dot: That’s ’cause sitting down makes their trousers bag at the knees. TOOK IT BACK. Singleton: I hear you’re engaged. Congratulate you, my boy! Ben Dictus: You didn’t hear it quite right. I’m married. Singleton: Oh! Excuse me, old man. THE FRUIT OF FAITH. Sunday-school Teacher—Faith, children. is believing in the existence of something we can't see. For example, when you buy bananas you know that there is a delicious fruit inside the tough skin. Do you understand? Children—Yes, ma’am. Sunday-school Teacher—Well, what is faith? A DIFFERENT MATTER. “Let me see,” said the clerk, filling out a marriage license. “This is the fourth, isn’t it?” “No,” said the husband-to-be, indignantly. “it’s only my second.” WOMAN’S ACQUAINTANCE. Herr—Do you know my wife? Frau—Very well. Herr—But I don’t remember introducing her to you. Frau—Quite true, but I have a new maid who was with your wife for tw o months.

THE WAY OUT. Miss Green (who is dying to go on the stage): Is it true that if Igo into the chorus I can never rise? They say I shall never be able to get out of "it. Miss Stager : Don’t you believe it. I got out the first week, easy. Miss Green : Indeed? How did you do it? Miss Stager : I was fired.