THE DUTY OF THE MOTHER-IN-LAW.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XX, Issue XII, 19 March 1898, Page 361

THE DUTY OF THE MOTHER-IN-LAW.

No household can be well or happily governed where there are two mistresses. This, you readily admit, in theory, I am sure, and disclaim any rivalry with your daughter-in-law. You feel, however, that your greater experience and maturer judgment must make you a competent adviser and guide, but, strange as it may seem, unsought advise is generally unwelcome advice, and your son’s wife will have to learn her lesson through failure, as we all do. Family peace and good-fellowship are worth the sacrifice of much, and these are often jeopardised by well-meaning attempts to impose our views upon others. A source of much friction will be eliminated, and your chances of happiness greatly enhanced, if you will adhere strictly to the principle of non-interference. If the nurse seems unkind to the children, or you know of any matter of importance that threatens the well-being of the household, then, indeed, it is your duty to report iit —not to your son, but to your d a ughter-in-la w. If such information be given tactfully, and rarely, it will probably be welcomed as it deserves, but it is the frequent recurrence of subjects of complaint that is irritating, and because it implies criticism of her management, your son’s wife may resent it, unless she is an exceptional woman. Nothing will make you so obnoxious to her as to appear to constitute yourself the guardian of your son’s interests. It would be nothing less than a declaration of war. ‘But.’ you may object, ‘how can I keep silent when, knowing my son’s income to be but small, I see waste and extravagance going on, when I could so well plan and save for him?’ PUT YOUR DAUGHTER IN HER PtACE. The situation is indeed a difficult one, if you have previously antagonised your daughter-in-law by faultfinding and frequent criticism; but if you would influence her, change your attitude toward her to one of sympathy, as far as you are able, and refrain from judging her until you think that her irritation has passed. Then, mastering your own, have some definite plan to propose for reducing the expenditure. Try to forget for the moment that her husband is your son, and speak to her as though she were your daughter. Be careful to submit all in the form of suggestion, leaving her free to follow her own judgment, and to do her own thinking and her own duty in her own particular way. If you seem to fail to impress her, you will, at least have set her mind .at work upon the problem; and the discussion ended, drop the subject, and do not appear to watch her subsequent management. Only when the case seems desperate permit yourself to speak to your son about it, and then refrain from seeming to censure his wife if you would not arouse his partisanship. Speak gently and dispassionately, laying the case before him, to be dealt with as he shall see fit, and withdrawing from further responsibility. YOUR POSITION IS A VERY DIFFICULT ONE. There is no disguising the fact that your position is not easy. Your daughter-in-law has been brought up with other views of life and duty than yours. Unless you have been tactful the servants seem to resent your slightest criticism, sometimes almost your presence, and your son seems changed, and no longer to belong to you as before. It is very' easy to take despondent views of life, but as they lead straight away from the happiness that we are all craving and seeking so intensely it is surely a very unwise frame of mind in which to indulge. Take up your troubles one by one, and resolve to conquer them by opposing only good to the evil —the best weapon ever forged. Your daughter in-law is very faulty to be sure —but your boy’s happiness is bound up in her, so try to be patient and loving, doing all in your power to sweeten and strengthen her character. Some of her imperfections come from immaturity, which will cure themselves. Some traits appear faulty because seen from your point of view. Times

have changed, and the world's standards have changed since your youth. The old-time pride in housewifely attainments has been largely superseded by interest in literature, art and kindred matters, and your son, to whom you were so proud to give the best possible education, needs a companion upon his own intellectual level, as much as one who shall ‘look well to the ways of the household.’ The art if living with others requires the cultivation of a judicious blindness. WIN THE CHILDREN’S LOVE AND RESPECT. The children wil make amends for much that is distasteful in your life. The very fact that you have more leisure to give them than their mother, with her many' interests and duties, gives you a vantage ground, and none reward a little devotion with such responsiveness as little children. Exact as little as possible from the servants, and thank them courteously for what they do for you, and look for opportunities to do them an occasional kindness. Never let them think that you watch them. If you have property which you expect to leave to this family, do not claim special attention and consideration as a right, and if poor and dependent, do not talk of being a burden, nor luxuriate in that contemptible thing, self-pity. You need not be a burden. We can all be happinessmakers if we will. Make it a principle never to report anything that transpires in your son’s household, even in strictest confidence, to any friend or outside member of the family. DO NOT DISCUSS YOUR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW. It is wisest not to discuss your daughter-in-law with anyone, unless to praise her, and that only when your heart is warm with appreciation of some lovable or admirable trait. Commendation not dictated by real feeling has always a sound of insincerity, and deceives no one. Learn to be self-effacing, making excuses to absent yourself whenever you have the least doubt of your welcome, and do it cheerfully. Turn a deaf ear to jealousy, as to a temptation of the foul fiend. An old French proverb says, ‘A sweetheart is loved most, a wife best, and a mother longest.’ Even were your motives only selfish ones, isuch method's would advance your interests in making you more love-worthy, but greater inspiration comes to us as we realise that few services can be more Godlike than to carry out, even in our feeble measure, His purposes for the increase of human happiness. Have I made the position of mother-in-law appear harder than before? Does it seem to exact the qualities of a saint rather than the virtues of ordinary mortals? ‘The aim, if reached or not, makes great the life.’ ‘Ladies’ Home Journal.’