The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XX, Issue V, 29 January 1898, Page 144

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

THE FLIRT AND THE FOOL. I am holding her wool in an attitude quaint, Feeling just like a wooden-armed, stained window saint, She is sitting at ease in a negligent pose. As charming and fresh as the dew on a rose. She thanks me for helping her out of het tangle

And tells me ‘ so kind ’ When I say I don’t mind— Why. to please her, I vow I would slave at a mangle.

Young Cupid, no doubt, in a mischievous vein Is weaving a snare from that innocent skein. For who could l>e blind to those dimples divine.

Those eyes that so roguishly glance up at mine -

I am longing with lover-like kisses to smother That sweet little face — But I know it’s a case Of a tlirt at one end and a fool at the other.

AN AFFINITY. Kittv : Madge says she will never marry until she meets her ideal. Beatrice : Silly girl I What is her ideal 1 Kitty : A young man who will propose to her. MAY HAVE MEANT THAT •He told me to get off the earth. What do you suppose he meant ?* ■ He seemed to think that you needed a bath, evidently.” A MATTER OF PRIDE. Mrs Greener—Mercy! What are you doing ? Putting a ten cent stamp on the letter when a two cent stamp will carry it ? Mrs Pnenraoney—l know, but it is well enough to give jieople to understand that we are possessed of ample means. A PRETTY SI RE SIGN. Old Harding: ‘Well, I guess that young Dal»dey’» determined to marry onr Lib, in spite of everything.' Mrs Harding: ‘ Why do you think so, Jeremiah * Ohl Harding: ‘ Why, you know', she sang to him ami played the piano night efore last, and here he is again.’

THE PROFESSIONAL’S ADVANTAGE. Mrs Wickwire: ‘ Goodness me, Henry, is it absolutely necessary to use such language in putting one’ little parlour heater in position? Why, the man who put up the great big kitchen range for us didn’t have to swear once.’ Mr Wickwire (tensely) : ‘ He didn't have his wife with him, did he ?’ THE EXPENSE OF EDUCATION. ‘ You gave your boys liberal educations, I suppose, squire? 1 ‘ Lilieral ? Why, it cost tne jes’ all I could rake and scrape to pay fer cyclometers an’ such things the boys hed to liave in their college studies. I couldn’t hev done any more without a-mortgagin’ the farm !’ SWELLED FEET. ‘ How comes it, sir, that when I ask you for a No. 5 shoe you give me a No. 7 ?’ ‘Why, my dear sir, you’ll lie so proud of those shoes that your feet will swell.’

OUR YOUNG GENIUSES. Mr Balmy Gushkiu : You have read my book of poems, ‘ Grasshopper Twitterings ’ ? Miss Lipcnrl : Oh, yes, Mr Gushkin. Mr Gushkin: And what do you think of my poetical genius ? Miss Lapcurl: I think it is like the North Pole. Mr Gushkin (pleased): Ah, you refer to its weird fascination. Miss Lipcurl : Oh, no ! I mean that it may exist, but it has never l>een discovered. FORTUNATE FOR NEWTON. Patsy Whalen (studying his lesson): Sir Isaac Newton discovered the great law of gravitation by an apple falling on his head. Whalen : Shure, and it’s a good t'ing fer science thot it wasn’t a hod o’ brieks, thin, or he’d never knowed phwat it was. MORE HOME RULE. Singerly : What would we do without woman ! You know the old maxim, ‘ The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world !’ Wederlev : I don’t know about its ruling the world, but I know the hand that rocks our cradle rules the house, and we pay her S 4 a week for doing it. AN EAR FOR SUCH MUSIC. Young Spoonamore : You don’t mean to tell me seriously. Miss Quickstep, that you don’t know one piece of music from another? Miss Quickstep: Oh, well, I know a wedding march when I hear it. THE RETORT DIRECT. ‘ You’re no longer a spring chicken,’ sneered the angry husband. ‘ But you’re the same old goose,' came the answer, with a snap. THE OLD STORY. ‘ I’ll never l>e a scorcher, no,’ Said little Robert Reed. ‘ I’ll never mount my wheel and go At most indecent speed.’ But that was ere lieu learned to ride. And now, each day, b’golly, He humps his back and burns the track In a way that Iteata the—trolley.

HER IDEA OF IMMORTALITY. Willie : Your papa has only got one leg, hasn't he ? Annie : Yes. Willie : Where is the other one ? Annie : Hush ; it’s in heaven. QUITE WRONG. I had an ancient relative, Built on the ancient plan, Whose favourite jest it was to say ; ‘ The coat don’t make the man.’ And then he’d add the merry quip, With such a jolly glance, ‘ It ain’t the coat that makes the man— Because it is the pants.’ But, when I look around to-day L’pon the bloomered throng, I know my ancient relative Was altogether wrong. EGGS-ACTLY SO. Ranger: Why do you call that hen ‘ Macduff?’ Granger : Because I want her to ‘ lay on.’ A DILEMMA. Ethel: Oh, dear me! I don’t know what to think ! Algy asked me last night if I wouldn’t like to have something around the house that I could love and that would love me. Edith : Well ? Ethel: Well, I don’t know whether he means himself or whether he is thinking of buying me a dog. IT WOULDN’T DO. ‘ln France it has been decided by the courts that an unmarried woman becomes an old maid at thirty.’ ‘ That rule would never do in this country' ‘ M hy not ?’ ‘ Single women never reach the age of thirty in New Zealand.’ SOMEWHERE IN B.C. Old Gruff': Waiter, you don’t mean to say that this is spring lamb? Waiter : Indeed it is, sir. Old Gruff’: H’m I What year? FROM ONE POINT OF VIEW. ‘ What do you consider the greatest achievements of the century ?’ inquired the philosopher. And, after some thought the man who wears bicycle medals replied : ‘ The last ten or twelve miles.’ THE OLD STORY. ‘ We’ve got a woman living down onr way who says she is 106 years old,’ said the enthusiast. ‘ Well, a woman never tells the truth about her age. She’s probably only about 86,’ said the cynic. NO TIME LOST. He —The scientists now claim that kissing will cure dyspepsia. She—Well, here’s health to you. And the sound could have been heard a block away. •

A VOLUNTEER TASTER. Master : Mary, I must change my wine merchant. This port tastes as if it were watered down. Mary : Why, that’s the very words my young man said ! CLOSING THE SEASON. At any rate, my wheel is of the latest pattern/ I have noticed that it usually gets in last.—lndianapolis Journal.

A QUESTION. First Statesman: I hear that there are some fellows going around offering bribes. Second Statesman : That is something that ought to be taken in hand as soon as possible. • Which—the fellows or the money f PRESENCE OF MIND. She : Do you ever read poetry ? He (wishing to impress her): Oh, yes: I am quite fond of poetry. She : I’m so glad ! I’ve got a poem here that I wrote when I was at school. I’d like to have your opinion of it. He : Hist! hist! I sinel 1 smoke ! I believe the house is afire. (During the excitement he escapes.) IN A BARBER SHOP. Mr Absentmind : It is pretty cold in here. Barber: Yes, sir; it is chilly this morning. Mr Absentmind : If you have no objection I’ll keep on my hat while you are cutting my hair. HE TOOK MORE. ‘ Only one !’ he pleaded. She looked at him in surprise. ‘ One little kiss,’ he persisted. ‘ Oh, all right,’ she replied carelessly. ‘lf you’re fool enough to start the press for a single impression, go ahead ; but it doesn’t seem to me it pays.’ A TRAVELLING CHEMIST. Sprocket—That’s the last time I’ll ever use that red and green lantern. Gearing—Why, what’s the matter with it?

Sprocket—l had it on my wheel last night, and half the men in town were chasing me, thinking I was a tiavelling drug store.

THE DREAD AVENGER. Rebellious Boy (who has been caned by teacher): All right—l’ll tell my father er you. My father can fight you—my father can fight my mother ! ABSORBING HIS FATHER’S EXPERIENCE ‘ That boy o’ mine ought to be as sharp an’ knowin’ as they make ’em.’ ‘ Trained him to it, have you ?’ ‘ Trained him to it ? Why, fer four years that little shaver set at th’ table on a gold brick that cost his dad £400.!’ MY TWO TABLES. I. My dainty maiden table Was the fairest thing to see, With its cups and pot and kettle, In order quaint for tea The pots of Roval Worcester, A cup Belleefc, or two, And Dresden things, and rare gold spoons, And a cosey, etched in blue. Nanght had ever jarred upon The kettle’s cheerful song, And sweetest maids with jewelled hands,. Had with me sipped Oolong. 11. My dainty married table Is a shocking thing to see ! For ’mid its cnps and kettle, In order quaint for tea, There is a bowl of ashes. Burnt matches and a • snipe,’ A pouch of Turkish tobacco, And a briarwood bulldog pipe 1