Country Life Interests

Waikato Times, Volume 125, Issue 20887, 19 August 1939, Page 19 (Supplement)

Country Life Interests

K page devoted to the interests of the Country Women of the T Wadkato, and in particular to advancing and recording the activities of I , those two great national organisations, the Women’s Institutes and the v Women's Division of the Farmers’ Union.

HAPPY MARRIAGE IS NOT AN ACCIDENT

By Warwick Deeping

It is obvious to most of us that in these days of swift social change, the world asks more of life, and it asks more of marriage. We are less static. Our rhythms have altered. We need more diversity, more movement, and in such a period of confusion society is prone to restlessness. As children we enter the social scheme mostly as savage little egotists. This egotism may be tempered by social discipline, and by the idealisms of youth as it reacts to the manifestations of beauty in character, colour, form and sound. It may be a merely pagan process, and our wise men and mystics, divining in marriage more than a feast of the flesh, sought to make of it a sacrament. Like other states of grace, it was to be perfected through love and virtue, the virtues of selfrestraint—surrender, patience, gentleness, compassion. I believe in the old romantic idea, because that is the only sort of love worth beginning with, since it contains the germ of the future flower, compassion. The devout and tender lover need not be the fool of an illusion, for a happy marriage grows out of a love that contains compassion. Do all men kill the thing they love ? Perhaps—if that love is without compassion. It is when the sex dream begins to fade that the two young personalities are apt to clash. Passion has cooled, and there may be a sense of disillusionment. The partners have to make the passage over the dead water between passion and the greater comradeship. It is a critical period. Love may find itself suddenly and strangely alone—it may discover in its partner unexpected and perplexing qualities. But I would not have youth say: “I have been tricked. Love is an illusion, a mere sex dream.” I would have it say: “This is but the beginning of something better. Let us look into each other’s eyes with courage and candour and agree to build these emotions of ours into a sure comradeship. Let us be more than two bodies. Let us be compassionate, and try to understand life and each other. Let us not be like a couple of children squabbling in a nursery. Let us talk things out, magnanimously, fairly and gently.” Meet With Sympathy and Understanding One could inscribe a hundred “Don’ts” over the doorway of the House of Marriage, but if the partners meet each other with sympathy and understanding the inherent differences in their make-up will cease to be a source of peril. The woman will learn to say: “It is just his dear, funny old way,” and even one's whimsies and foolishness may provoke affection. Man can be so inarticulate, woman—at times—so emotionally silly. Silence in the wrong place inay be- an insult, in the right place—inspiration. Marriage has to learn to handle its silences and to eschew the supreme sin of sulking. If a partner wishes to grouse, let him or her have her grumble. It must out. Let not the wife be afraid of people saying: ‘‘Mrs So-and-So spoils her husband.’’ Many marriages are spoilt through too little spoiling, and conversely. One of the worst pitfalls is meanness in petty things. Each partner should have complete control of a part of the income. Women are not fools—when they arc trusted. Worries bring comrades closer together. A woman should allow a man to feel protective towards her, and not resent it. It does not imply patronage. It may suggest to the wise that something is precious. And in her own way a woman will feel protective towards her mate. There will be the eternal problems—children, other sex attractions, secret jealousies. Each marriage has to solve these problems for itself. If a marriage is happy in its mutual understanding—they will be solved. I think a wife should not attach too much importance to extraneous sex appeals. The wise man will know in his heart that his comrade is worth more than a baker's dozen of strange women. The Problem of Children As to the problem of children, I will assert against all the world that certain women are born with the temperamental and emotional make-up that fits them to be mothers. Others are not. There are who do not like children, and a generation nr so ago such women had children forced upon them. Also, there are plenty of men who do not make good fathers. Perfunctory or merely conventional parents are better excluded from the social scheme. It may be very much our duty not to have children. Moreover, I am sure that more marriages are spoilt by unwanted children than by sex adventures and conflicts of temperament. The ideal condition is that both partners should want children. It may be that in the future marriage as a permanent relationship will be the exception rather than the rule. It will be the final contract of those who have made a success of living together and who wish to continue together. Moreover, marriage can be summed up in those xvords—••Learning to live together.” No learned profession is more exacting in its demands, though marriage, perhaps, is more of an art than a science. We may give years to learning a craft or a game, and yet so many of us seem to think that the most delicate and intimate craft of all comes to us by nature. It doesn't. No great picture is painted by chance. Happiness is not haphazard. Let those who marry look into each other’s eyes and say: ‘‘We are going to learn to live together, and, to begin with, we will seek to understand each other. Let us agree that the sex dream will fade, but that love of another quality can take its place. Let us be honest, frank and magnanimous Let us not be mean, over-exacting or hysterical. Let us "trust each other. Let us be compassionate. Let us avoid like poison a self-centred egotism that, wearies and bores. If differences arise, and they will, let us try to debate them dispassionately like friends. Let us decide" to differ on certain questions—like friends. But in the great business of living we must be mates, and growing so intimately and so dearly that to hurt the other comrade is to hurt oneself. Finally, so deep will be the affection between us that we shall want to do all things together, enjoy them together, suffer together. And life will not be complete for us when one or other has gone on a journey