WIT AND HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 96, Issue 15353, 29 September 1923, Page 14 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

OBVIOUS. Farmer (to golfer hunting In bushes): Looking for your ball, sir? Golfer (petulantly); Oh, no; I’m a bloodhound on the trail of a murderer. • • • • ON SUMMER TIME, PERHAPS. “Mummy, is it lunch time yet?" “No, darling, not for another hour.” "Well, then, my tummy must be fast.” • • * * HER LATE HUSBAND. “Good morning, my dear." “Really, Henry, you must pull yourself together. I said good morning to you last night when you came home.'*

Be up and doing, but mind who. you do. , *•* • « The same shoe does not fit every foot. * * * When'a woman needs sympathy ory with her.. If you want to keep cool, don't use hot words. ■ » • • Babies and grievances grow larger by nursing. ***** To do the right thing in the wrong way is not right. m m m • No evening’s pleasure is worth a morning’s headache. ***** If you want to make friends, the sure way is to make no enemies. • • • • At the age of twenty a man feels that he was meant to save the world. At thirty, he wonders why he can't even save part of his salary. • * * • HE'KNEW." “ ft was a “general knowledge” lesson, and the teacher asked the question:— “What is Hie feminine of friar?" First Boy: “Hasn’t any, sir.” Teacher; “Next?" Second Boy: “Nun.” Teacher: “Right." First Boy: “Why, that’s what I said?"

THE SENTIMENTALIST. Girl (to shy lover): You’ve hardly spoken a word all the evening, Sandy, and yet you write me such beautifully long letters. Sandy: Aye. A’m just thinidn’ what A’m going to put in ma next. » * • • AN OPEN CHILD. Kind Old Gentleman: Hdw do you like school, my little roan? Little Man; I like it closed, sir. A FAIR EXCHANGE. Curate: You exchange goods In the way of barter sometimes, I suppose? Merchant: Oh, yes, sometimes. Curate: Well, I should like a ham and some potatoes and flour. Merchant: All right, sir. What do you want to ’exchange for them? Curate: Ninetyfive pairs of slippers. • «. • • NOT ALL THERE. Elizabeth came to school one day in a state of suppressed excitement. Going straight to the teacher’s desk, she exclaimed exultantly, Tve got a new little sister!” “How very nice," replied the teacher. ‘Yes,” said Elizabeth, “but this Is only a half-sister.” “Why, that doesn't, make any difference, does it?" “No, but I never can understand where the other half is.”

AN EYE-OPENER. “How many times must I tell you, Jimmy, that one must keep one’s eyes closed during prayers?” “Yes, but, mummy, how do you know I don’t. * o • • ANOTHER ANIMAIy Flick: Were you a bull or a bear in that Stock Exchange spec?” Flock: “Neither. I was just an ass.” A RUSH ORDER. Publisher: Can you turn ont another book in three weeks? Successful Author; Why so soon? Publisher; It will never do to let the public forget you.

THE MASTER MIND. “So your husband has given up smoking. .That needs a pretty strong will, doesn’t it?" “Well, I’ve got one!” * * * • WHEN THE DEAF AND THE DUMB MEET. First Deaf Mute: Was the blind man very angry then?" Second Deaf Mute: He was so wfld that the words he used almost blistered Ms fingers. I .* ■ • • * • READY FOR ANOTHER.' “Oh. Lord,” the preacher said, "what gifts Canst thou on us bestow That most will bless our hearts and Hves Whilst we are here below; Oh, send us what we most do need This Christmas day again." The handsome widow in her pew Sighed fervently; “Ah-men." WHY PROTEST? During an epidemio of cholera od board a British warship, so many men died that the doctor just made a chalk mark on the bunks where the occupant was to bo buried. One supposed corpse protested loudly when he discovered that he wad about to be buried at sea. "But I’m not-dead," he insisted. “Oh,” was the reply, "shus up! Ddf you suppose that you know better thad the doctor!” ',

■Kew York Life. | RATHER MIXED. < A certain man, speaking of Dickend and Thackeray, said: —• “It’s in his' wonderful Insight inM human nature that Dickens gets thd better of Thackeray, but, on the othet hand, it’s the brilliant shafts of satire* together with a keen sense of humour* that Dickery gets the pull over Thackens. It’s just this—'Fhickery is d humorist and Dackens is a satirist. But after all, it’s absurd to compare Dacnery and Thickens." HIGH ART. llere is the latest explanation of high art from the “Art Record”:— A certain painter, is confined in agj asylum. To persons who visit hird he says: _ _ - \ “Look at this; it is"my latest mas-. ~ > terpiece.” : They look, and see nothing but ait, expanse of bare canvas. They ask: “What does that represent?” “That? Why, that represents thg passage of the Israelites through thg Red Sea.” \ “Beg pardon, but where is the sea? 1 * “It has been driven back." ; “And where are the Israelites?” ‘They have crossed over.” “And the Egyptians?" "Will be here directly. That’s thd sort of painting I like—simple and unpretentious.”

PROFESSIONAL INSTINCT. The Minister; Do you promise Mi love, honour —* The Young Lawyer-Best Man (ab* serit-mindedly) ; I object to the question as irrelevant. • a • • A HYPOCRITE. "Now, can any little boy tell ms what a hypocrite is?" asked the Yicar, who was catechising a class of small boys. After a brief silence, a scholar held up his hand. “Please, sir, a hypocrite is anyone who smiles when he goes to church." • » • • A fast life soon means a full stop.