FUN AND FANCY.

Waikato Times, Volume 88, Issue 13488, 19 May 1917, Page 4 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY.

Slight Mistake. —Fema'e passenger in airplane some thousands of feet, up excitedly "Please, oh, please, won't yon go downr I've just dropped mv pearl cuif-button V "Calm yourself, madam—that's not your cuff-button: that s Lake Erie."

An over-zealous Scotch host was one night trying to thrust just, one more cup on his would-be departing guest. "Just anither wee drao afore v© go" he said. "Na, na, I'll tak nae mair. 1 mm a new iodgin', and I'm no vera weel acquainted w J the stair." The unsettled state of Irish affairs reminds of a slip made hr tho Duke of Wellington during a House of Lords debate on Ireland. In the course of his speech he mentioned that two clergymen had been murdered in Ireland. A noble lord on the other side of the House rose at once to correct him. "No. no: only one." "Onlv one:" rejoined the Duke, "Well, if I am mistaken I'm sorry."

Mark Twain was a good sailor, and! ho often spent happy weeks cruising with his old friend, H. H. Rogers, in his £teani yacht, the Kanawha. Once they were caught south of Cuba in a heavy sea, the effect of a long-drawn and violent gale. The Caribbean wa» heaving at- its worst. For once in his life Mark Twain was unset by the rolling and pitching of the ship. Ha leaned over the lee. rail and clung on desperately. "Mr Clemen*, ca n't I get you something?" asked a steward, solicitously. "Yes," Mark drawled, earnestly; 'yes, get me a little* island."

Prolonging It.—Two English wortmen were discussing the war. "I'll b«» an awful long job, Sam." said one. "It will," replied the other. 'Yon see, these Russians is talciri' thousands and thousands of German prisoners. If it keeps on. all tho Russians will be in Germany and all the Germans in. Russia. And then they'll start all over again, fightin' to' get •.back their 'omes."

Useful.—"Now, this is the kind of movie 1 like. It's educational. "Why, it's all about a vampire." •Just so. I may meet a vampire some of these, days and then I'll know howto protect myself."'

Cultivation.—"Father, what do they mean by gentlemen farmers?" 'gentlemen farmers, my son, are farmers who seldom raise anything except their hats."

His Best.— Minister: And do yon forgive your enemies? Penitent: Well 1 can't say I exactly forgive them, but I do my best to put them in a position. where 1 can sympathise with them. Fiule .lack, who was visiting them for the holidays, wished to talk tr> little Linte'6 father at his office. Ho could not find the telephone dirertorv, : > ,u ' tuu * appealed to three-Year-old Elisabeth for information regarding the telephone number. "Liaiie, what, does mother ask for when sho talks to> daddy at his officer" Lizzie was wise* for her days. ".Money," she lisped. Passenger: What makes the train run so slow- Irate Conductor: If you don't like it you can get off and walk. Passenger: 1 would, only I am not expected until train-time.

(holly: Do you think it would bo Foolish for me to marry a girl who was my intellectual inferior:- Dollv: More than foolish —impossible. The Marlborough organist in Mr A. 0. Bradley's schoolboy davs seems io> have been an adept at selectin E appropriate hymns. 'The <*roat W G Grace." relates Mr Bradley, 'plaved a match at Marlborough in* the plenitude of Ins glory, and was bowled by. a schoolboy's first hall. Whereupon the choir at service that evening san"a hymn containing tho boastfully significant line, 'The seamy triumph* grace hath won.- On another occasion two Marlborough bowlers named* Stone and Wood played signal havoo with the wickets of a visitin c team from Cheltenham, and the choir celebrated the occasion hx singing: "Tho heathen ya. his blindness bows down to wood and stone." - • -