A CASE OF DISTRESS.

Waikato Times, Volume XIV, Issue 1196, 26 February 1880, Page 3

A CASE OF DISTRESS.

TO TIIE EDITOB. Sir, — I would draw your attention to a case of hardship in this settlement. A widow dying rapidly of cancer has no one to look after her but her daughter, her son-in-law being stationed at Taranaki in the Armed Constabulary. Some of the A. C. have been transferred from Taranaki up here. I think, in the cause of humanity, if the services of the special member in question are not required down there, he might be transferred to this command, where he could be of some assistance to the afflicted woman. — I am, &c, Observer. Alexandra, 23rd Feb., 1880.

Too Close Figgering.— "Get yonr tickets at the waggon !" screamed the doorkeeper of the circus yesterday to a young man with a girl on his arm who had a handful of small change ' ' This is the third time you have come here without tickets when yon know I can't take money !" The young man and hit, girl fell back, and, as they did not go near the waggon, and yet aeemed very anxious to see the circus, a curio us -minded citizen edged round and inquired of the young man, "Why don't you buy your tickets if you want to go in 'r" ♦< 'Cause I'm bhort,' was the whispered reply. " I didn't 'low enough for incidentals when I was figgering on the cost of this thing; but I dont want he girl to know it." "How much are you short!'" " Only five cents. I figgered that 10 shillings would pay all expenses, but I got left. We spent 10 cents for peanuts, 10 cents on the street cars, and five in candy. J had just Idol, left to pay our way in., when the gal got a peanut stuck in her throat, and I had to buy a glass of lemonade to wash it down. Didn't do it though till I had pounded her on the back more'n oQ times, and tried to pull up one of them fire -hydrants by the roots." " I'U lend you five oents to make up your dollar," said the oitizen. "You will, by gosh. But that lets me out! I'd made up my mind to tell the gal that the tigers had got loose and the hyeuas had run mad|; but she's long-headod, and might not have believed it. Thankee, sir ; and the fust time I'm in town. I'U pay it back. Hang it, I or^ts? %gered on 11 shillings instead of }0, but yoti've made me happy for \\io ! Como, Bots."— i>c -troit

One winter's day, looking in at a window of a print shop, Brown felt someone at his pocket. As there was only one bystander, he instantly turned round, and, looking him full in the face, said, " Your hand, sir, waß in my pocket !' — '* Was it, sir P" the other very calmly replied, " I really beg your pardon if it was ; but the weather is so very oold, one is glad to put one's hands anywhere." " May they always live in peaoe and harmony," was the way a Yankee marriage notice should have wound up ; but the compositor, who couldn't read manuscript very well, put in type, and horrified the happy couple by making it, " May they live on peas and hominy." Gbeat souls are always loyally submissive to what is over them ; only mean souls are otherwise. The greatest pleasure of life is love ; the greatest treasure, contentment; the greatest possession, health ; the greatest ease, sleep ; and the greatest medicine, a true friend.

A Disappointed Jubob. — It was v flushed and somewhat excited citizen who presented himself before one of those judges of this city who were carefully voted out last Wednesday, and remarked : — ''If it please your Honour, I have been drawn as a juror for the coming term of your Court, and I have come to be excused. Is it possible for me to sit." " Indeed," said the judge, with some of that elephantine playfulness peculiar to the San Francisco Bench. " Haven't a boil, have you r" No sir, I haven't," replied the gentleman getting still warmer ; but I haven't the time. lam worn out with business, and want to go off into the country to fish." " Fish, sir ? Do you mean to say that you would prefer to sit four hours at a (stretch on a slippery log, getting your nose peeled by the sun, rather than uphold law and order by the exercise of a freeman's dearest prerogative ?' ' ' 'Yes I would." "You sadden me, sir. Besides, the fish oin't biting worth a cent just now.'* I don't care if they ain't. I know a place where they bite all the year round." The Court carefully noted down the spot for future Sunday reference, and then continued, "I regret the necessity, my dear sir, but I cannot excuse you." "I'm blusted if I serve," shouted the victim, desperately. " Besides, lemme see, I had the small-pox recently, and I'm afraid I ain't quite cured." "Have you the leprosy ?" inquired his Honour, blandly lighting another cigar. < Of course not,' "Then there's no use talking. Small-pox don't go. Nothing but leprosy will do— these times." " You insist on my serving, do you ?" said the citizen, looking very pale and determined. "Now listen to me. I swear Iwon't convict a single criminal — not one. I'll hang the jury or acquit every prisoner you try. Then when the country is flooded with burglars and murderers it will be your own fault. " "My dear sir, " said his Honour, springing up and grsping the speaker's hand with emotion, "If you are on the acquit you're just the man I've been looking for. The relatives of two or three prisoners have been to see me, and — well — ahem! — you understand — I go out of office pretty soon — and — of course we must make hay while the aim shines as it were. Now, suppose you come up and dine with me to night, and perhaps we can make some little mutual arrangement. See the point, don't yeu — eh ? — coin, my dear sir, coin. "But the obstinate man went off in a rage to buy a revolver ; and the judge has since instructed the bailiff to have him on hand when the court meets, alive or dead. Some people have no sabe about a speculation at all, it would seem. — San Franchco Weekly Post. Tomatoes picked when just ripe, and with a portion of the stem retained, and at once covered with a brine composed of a teacup of salt dissolved in a gallon of water, can be kept nearly all the year without noticeable loss of freshness of taste. The new Pure Cash System now being initiaedt by G. and C. will certainly prove ii benefit to the public It hab been a great success in Sydney and Melbourne, and when strictly carried out the customer who buys at an establishment where the goods are marked low to ensure a rapid sale must be a great gainer. G. and C. sell their drapery, millinary, and clothing at such prices for cash as gi\cs the buyer the advantages of a shareholder in a co-operative society, without the risk of being called upon to bear a portion ot the loss should the years business prove unsatisfactory. Gnrlick and Cranwell will aim to retain the confidence which the public have hitherto show n them, and are detirmincd to give the pure cash system a fair trial ; whether they gain or lose the first year. Country buyers on remitting cash with order will be supplied with goods at co-operative prices ; just the same as though they made a personals-e-lection. Furnishing goods, such as carpets, floor cloths, bedsteads, bedding, and goner.il house furniture, the largest portion of whit h is turned out at our own factor)-, will be maiked at the lowest remunerative prices, and a discount of five per cent, will be allowed to those who p.iv at the time ot purchase. G. &C. having realised the entire \alue of their stock during their lartj cash sale, the present stock is M w AND UlMl'l y hough i. An inspection is invited.— Gvkjkk and Ck y\ \vi u , City Hall Furnishing Arcade, Queenstreet, Auckland.