WIT AND HUMOUR

Waipawa Mail, Volume LI, Issue 38, 13 December 1929, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

He: I feel like a two-year-old. She Hoise or egg ?

“Your father isn’te working any more ? ’ ’

“No, he got sacked from the brew ery where he was.” “What for?” “Staying late to take stock.”

Mabs: It is easier to learn golf or motoring?

Babs: One’s jus as difficult as the other. In golf you hit nothing, and in motoring you hit everything.

The Vicar: I cannot understand why so many of our congregation go straight from church to the public house.

The Curate (facetiously): Oh, that’s what, is known as the thirst after righteousness, sir!

Modern Young Man (after kissing a modern girl) : I’ll bo perfectly frank with you. You’re not the first girl I’ve kissed by a long shot.

Modem Girl: And I ’ll be equally frank with you. You’ve a great deal to learn, even at that.

Small Boy (who has been scolded by his mother: I say, dad, you and me would have had a fine time doing as we liked if you hadn’t married mother! First Farmer: Yes, I've raised the biggest freak over on my place—a two-legged calf. Second Farmer: Yes, I know. He called on my daughter last night. * * * # “Sir, you pushed your acquaintance on my daughter, declared your love for her, and kissed her. What excuse have you?” “It was terribly dark.” • • • • Hcdmaster: Jones, you have again been caught in (he act of flagrant disobedience. Your example to others is most injurious. In short, sir, you are going to the devil. Come with me. • • • • Husband: My dear, one night when you weie away I heard a burglar, and you should have seen me go down the stairs, three at a time. Wife: Why, where was lie? On the roof? The teacher was trying to explain the meaning of “recuperated.” “Suppose, Bessie, your father lias worked very hard all day; he is tired and worn out, isn’t he?” “Yes, teacher. ” “Then when night conies and his work is over for the d.iy, what does he do?” “That’s just what mother wants to know,” replied Bessie.”

Her eyes- were not exactly straight, nnd someone commented upon it and asked him if he had noticed it. “Noticed it, man!” lie replied. “Why, she is so cross-eyed that recently, when I sat next to her at dinner she ale off my plate.”

The little girl was reading out her prize-winning essay: “And then I usually end up tho day by playing a game of chess with my brother.” “But you don’t play chess, dear!” exclaimed her mother.* “I know. I wanted to put dominoes, but I couldn’t spell it.”

RATHER FISHY. An interesting experiment was tried recently with an ordinary whit ing. The fish was put into a large bowl of salt water, and every day a small quantity of the water was removed, and an equal volume of fresh substituted, until eventually the fish lived and thrived in purely fresh water.

The investigator was so pleased with the success of the experiment that he tried removing a small quantity of the water daily until the bowl was empty, and found that the whiting did very well without water, and as lie was so lively in an empty hoi he was put in a cage. Here he lived happily, hopping from perch to perch like a bird, until one day, being startled by some sudden noise, he fell into his water trough and was d: owned.

A GOOD MEMORY. Old Meanboy was in a restaurant, and as he rose to leave he did not hand the waiter a tip. “Excuse me sir,” said the waiter, “but haven’t you forgotten something?” “l et me see,” answered old Meanboy. “My.wife told me to water the flowers, feed the bird, close the windows, keep the sun off the parlor carpet, dust the piano, and change the goldfishes’ water. I* did all those things. No, I haven’t forgotten anything.” BRIEFLY SUMMARISED. An Irishman having come to England in search of work, engaged a room in a boardinghouse. “There’s your bed,” said the landlady, pointing it out to him. “And there are two more to sleep in this room, but they won’t be in till late, so don’t he alarmed.” “They’re welcome,” replied the Irishman. Before getting into bed, however, he locked the door. During the night he was aroused bv a loud knocking. “Who’s there?” he asked. “We are the lodgers. Open the door.” “No room for ye,” said the Irishman. “How many of*you are in the room?” “Enough,” was the reply. “There’s mesilf, Paddy Murphy, a man come over from Oireland, a man looking for wurrk, a man wid a wife and siven ehilder, and a Tipperary man, too.”

• • • • STONE BLIND. Proudly he walked up to his betrothed and drew from his pocket :i small morocco case. Opening it, hr fook out a ring—a simple diamond—and placed it on her tapering linger She looked at it. “It’s very small,” she said, and paused. Then—“ And not very brilliant, either.” Poor fellow. His smile vanished, but, quietly recovering himself, he laughed, and said: “Ah, sweetheart, but love is blind.” Raising her limpid eyes to his, she said: “Yes, dear, but not stone blind.” A SERIOUS PROBLEM. Little Mary was in a very thoughtful mood when her mother announced that tea was nearly ready. “What are you thinking about, child?” she asked, noticing the serious expression. “Mummy,” said Mary, “when T act married, will it be to a man like daddy?” “Of course, darling.” “But if T don’t get married, shall T be like auntie, then?” “Yes. dear, you will.” The little air] sighed wearilv. “Mvstars!” she murmured, “what a fix.” * * # • THE COWARD. Two Irishmen were talking, when one said to the other, “See this fellow coming down here, Pat ? He's a champion fighter.”

“What? Him a champion!” said Pat. “He’s no champion. T was in having a drink and he came in and knocked mv glass over, so T made a swipe at him and lie dodged. T made another swipe and he started to run. and I chased him for two hours, and not for one second did he turn round and fight. He’s no champion. And me with onlv a little bit of a tomahawk in me hand!” THE OBVIOUS CONCLUSION. The teacher was vexed. “Look here, Johnnie,” she said, “this is the third time in one week that you’ve come to school without a pencil. Tt’s getting too bad.” “I’m sorry, miss,” apologised Johnnie. “I keep on forgetting it.” “That’s no excuse,” continued tin l teacher. “What would you think of a soldier who went to war without his gun?” Johnnie’s face brightened. “I’d think he was an officer, miss,” lie replied. • • • • GOT TITS WISH. “Prisoner, have vou anvthing to sa v ? ” “Assuredly, my lord. 1 desire to state without reserve or circumlocution that the penalty imposed should be in keeping, as it were, commensurate with my station in life, which has hitherto been of no inconsiderable importance.”

“Well, you seem to have a liking for long sentences—ten years!”

HOW TO GET WORK DONE. A gang of navvies were at work on a deep trench. There was a Scottish foreman on the job, and he was far from popular on account of his hustle and keenness. “Jump out o’ that trench here!” he suddenly shouted to one navvy. The navvy did so. “Noo jump back again!” was the next order. Back went the laborer. “Oot again, quick.” This out-and-in performance went on for some time till the laborer lost all patience and asked what the idea was. “Weed, if ye want to know,” said the foreman, “I'll tell ye. Ye’re bringing mail* muck oot on your boots than ye’ve done wi’ your spade for the last hour!” A FALSE REPORT. A temperance lecturer recently burst into the office of the editor of a local newspaper and, with an angry frown, thrust a maikcd copy of the latest issue of the pa pc: 1 before him. “I am told that you wrote this notice of my lectun < n ‘The Demon Drink?’ ” he remarked sternly. “I did,” was the <alm reply. “Then perhaps vou’ll be good enough to explain wind you mean by stating that the lecturer was full of his subject!” • • • • IRISH! Two Black Countrymen being partners in business, fortunately received a good contract for certain articles. One partner, going through details, failed to understand some of the articles and asked Enoch, his partner, to take the plans home with him and study them. Next day he asked Enoch his advice and Enoch replied: There are some things there me. nor you, or any man breathing can make, we shail have to buv ’em.

POOR FELLOW. A man came up to a minister and baking his hand heartily exclaimed, “How are ye, sir? Ye remember me, J’m sure?” “Well, I can't say I do,” said the minister doubtfully. “Oh, hut ye must. Ye married me ten years ago. Don’t ye mind the man who forgot the time of the ceremony?” ‘‘Ah,” said the minister. “I remember you now. You got an awful fright that night.” “I did that, an’ I’ve got her yet.” • • • • HE COULDN’T COMPETE. “I hear you’ve lost that parrot of yours,” said Mrs Dobson, meeting her friend Mrs Watts while out shopping one morning. Mrs Watts nodded. “Still, perhaps it’s all for the best,” went on the other lady. “He used to swear in such a terrible way, didn’t he? Er—how did it happen?” “Oh, he died of shock,” said Mrs Watts. “Died of shock?” exclaimed Mrs Dobson. “Yes,” went on her friend. “He escaped from his cage and wandered on to the golf links.” # * • • GRATITUDE. A man who had taken pity on a lad and given him work as junior clerk kept him at the office rather later than usual one Saturday. The lad became sulky, and performed his duties in a very desultory manner. At last his employer turned on him.

“You ungrateful rascal, where would you be now but for me?” “At a cricket match,” was the answer. * * • • THE BREAKAGES. The little boy had been sent to I lie local chemist to get some liniment and a special kind of china cement. “Do you want the two things in separate parcels?” ask mi the assistant as soon as he attended to the hoy’s demands. “Yes, please,” answered the little fellow. “I think it would be as well. The cement is for mother: she wants to mend the teapot. The liniment is for father. Mother broke the teapot over his head!” • • • • THERE’S THF. CATCH. There was great excitement in the suburb of Tootway. A new store had opened. It was to be run on the lines of those threepenny and sixpenny shops. The store was being run by a man named Cohen, and it was not hard to tell he was not a Scotsman. One day a woman came in, chose a toy, and put sixpence in the shopman’s hand. “Excuse me, madam,” said Cohen, “but the toys are ninepenee.” “But I thought this was a threepenny and sixpenny store,” protested the customer. “Veil, madam, I leave it with you,” was the reply. “How much is threepence and sixpence?” • • • • • His Thoughts Mother (to small son staring at cake): “What’s tho matter with that cake?” “Oh, nothing; I was just thinkin’ ina, if a piece of it would be worth a