FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 176, 22 June 1871, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

What is the feminine of needle ?—Needless. Imprudent — Promising your doctor a legacy. flow to manage bachelors — Mis-manage them. The women in Utah are very apt to marry Young. A "green-grocer" is described as "one who trusts." Why are ladies juster than men ?—Because they are the fair sex. An Indiana mother thought she spited a courting couple by removing the light. To Editors. — Pray be careful about* introducing light reading into magazines. The best way for a man to train up a child in the way he should go is to travel that "way sometimes himself. It has been announced that Miss Susan B. Anthony " will continue to make speeches for ever and ever." There are two periods in the life of a man at which he is too wise to tell women the exact truth — when he's in love and when he isn't. Cincinnati policemen are armed with steel nippers, instead of revolvers and clubs, to assist them in subduing refactory prisoners . Miss Ogleby had tried unremittingly to gain a husband, but her large share of forwardness completely neutralised her small share of beauty. An affectionate mother bewails the loss of one of eight children, because " there was just enough for a cotillion, and they did dance so prettily." A little boy asking a companion who Good Friday was, received the withering reply) " Well, you go home, and read your ' Robinson Crusoe.' " A young lady of Indiana lately "ruptured " a matrimonial engagement because the " happy man " that was to be refused to sing psalm tunes. A morning paper saySj in an obituary, "Mr. Smith was an estimable citizen He died with perfect resignation. He had recently been married." A Quaker Indian -agent says female Indians can be elevated, and is of the opinion that " hoop skirts are more useful in a family than "war whoops." An lowa cow is said to have lately died of a "tenpenny nail in the heart," which the poor animal is supposed to have carried in that organ for two years. A chap who was told by a clergyman to " remember Lot's wife," replied that he had trouble enough with his own, without remembering other men's "wives. ' A Sabbath school teacher lately asked his class, " What was made to give light to the world?" "Matches," was the immediate response of the youngest scholar. A man was arrested a few days ago m Lynchburg for being "a little how came you so," and the magistrate discharged him because it was too cold to keep him. "My dear doctor," said a lady, " I suffer a great deal with my eyes." "Be patient, madame," he replied, " you will probably suffer a great deal more without - them." A surgeon, whose wife is a great scold, being asked what he though would be the , greatest triumph of the surgical art, replied, " To take the jaw out of a scolding, woman."