Fun and Fancy

Star (Christchurch), Issue 17835, 1 May 1926, Page 19 (Supplement)

Fun and Fancy

, t Mary: Why did '.you break off your engagement with Kenneth? Ann: Why, he wanted me to marry hiiir.Guide fat ancient castle): This is the moat. Arc there any questions you would like to ask?. American:. Yes. How in heck could a fellow get one of these in his eye? “Pardon me,- sir, but I am soliciting donations for oiar jumble sale. What do you do'with your old clothes?” “Why, I brush them and fold them carefully at night, and I put them on again in the morning.” Mrs Henpeok: “Is the new doctor married?” Mr Ilenpeck: “Yes.” “How do you know?” “Well, when I told him I went to bed punctually at halfpast ten every night, but couldn’t get to sleep till the Small hours of the morning, he said, ‘I understand, old chap, I understand.’ ” k w Mrs Xewwed: “Well, dear, I found a flat, and the tram cars go right past the door.” Ilubby: “Won’t the noise disturb your rest, my love?” Mrs Newwed: "Oh, the landlord assured me that I wouldn’t mind it after the first two nights, and you know, dear, we can sleep the first two nights at mother’s.” Orator: gentlemen, I tell you that if you want a thing done well you must always do it yourself.” Voice from the crowd: “How about getting your hair cut?” Teacher: “How long did Adam and Eve remain in Paradise?” Little Girl: "Till the autumn.” "How do you know?” “Well, you see, the apples aren’t ripe till then!” Wife: “Why don’t you help me out of the cat? You’re not so gallan: as you used to be when 1 was a girl.” Hubby: “And you’re not so buoyant as you used to be when I was a boy.” An elderly lady paid a visit to the dentist to have teeth extracted. “Will you have gas, madam?” she was asked. “Certainly,” she replied. "1 don’t want you fumbling in my mouth in the dark! ” Visitor at Church (to friend, as collection plate nears) : Put that money back in your pocket, Bill. This “shout”

Nixon: “Shanks is very narrow-mind-ed in an argument!” Dixon: “Not at all. He’s always ready to admit that there are two sides to every question —his side and the wrong side! ” “My daddy’s so tall that he can look, over the garden fence,” said little Mildred. “So can mine,” retorted Mabel, “when he’s got his hat on! ” Young Curate: “One other thing, ray dcah friends, I should like to mention —that next Sunday the—ah—collection will be taken in a new pair of bags which Miss Swcetland has made for me! ” Magistrate: “You say that the prisoner looked round carefully and whistled. What followed?” Witness: “Ilis dog, your worship ! ” “Where will you reside?” asked the reporter of the young bridal qouple. “At the Old Manse,” replied the bride. And this is the way the item appeared in the local paper:—“Mr Ilardup and his bride, formerly Miss Millions, returned from their honeymoon. They will live at the old man’s.” “I am sorry you don’t think much of mv voice, professor. The people next door say I ought to go abroad to studv.” “I should say so, too if I lived next door.” Grocer: “It may be that the eggs I sold you weren’t quite so fresh as usual,’ but I’m sorry I’m too busy to talk about it just now.” Mrs Gadabout: “Who asked you to talk about it? I'm doing the talking. All you have to do is to listen.” Cafe Customer: "Where's Jules today?” Waiter: “He’s gone, sir.” “Gone? You don’t mean to say that he’s defunct?” “Yes, sir, and with everything he could lay ’is ’ands on.” Motorist (to man he has knocked down): “You should be careful where you walk. I've been driving for nine years.” Victim: “And I’ve been walking for nine years.” Ilobbs: "My* wife is a lecturer and I am an entertainer.” Dobbs: “Indeed! I knew your wife appeared in public, but T did not know that you ever did.” Hobbs: “I don’t. I stay at home and entertain the babv.”

Alfred: “You kiss me now only when you want money.” Edith: “Goodness'. Isn’t that enough?”