ROUND THE TOWN.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 11805, 16 September 1916, Page 8

ROUND THE TOWN.

1 11 I AM A SWAPPER UP OF UNCONSI DERED TRIFLES.

Tt (-la's nuw t-iiJors to make n man, but on'.v 0110 dressmaker to break him. liOvo Won Another," • said the widow. ris sho caught bor third husband. •'i* Now t-bfit tho f-ojirretn ship has arrived, wo v,"III have to .stop saying that any vossol tank like, a stone." « • There arc, many little tilings which brighten the days for us. We met cub the other day on tlio corner of CnsJiel and Colombo .streets. A very large wife was inking her lmsband to some place ;fnd the tram had not come along. They wore discussing somebody, when George, the husband, fiercely ejaculated: " Your brother? Why. he's the biggest fool in the world." The larpe wife cut off further discussion with a loud : " George, you forget, yourself." And the tram arrived. • O » The "Westminster Gazette" is usually locked upoifc as a very carefully prepared and correctly informed paper, but in describing the visit of overseas parliamentarians to Paris it handed out two honours to New Zealanders- that were sadly astray. Jimmy Parr, of Auckland, _ got on his hind legs and spoke a piece about traiice, and the dear old " Westminster " said : "Mr James Parr, Canadian Deputy, said he had been greatly impressed by the spectacle of the valour and laborious efforts of the women." Then it went 011 to tell of Jimmy Carroll's remarks, opening; the story by calling Sir James "Mr James Carroll, formerly Premier of New Zealand." Of course these things really (kn't matter, but the "Westminster Gazette " should have knWn better.

Dear dour old Dunedin is very very worried about the anti-shouting regulations. The local evening paper has quite a detailed wail, written by a person who knows what drinks are, and when to say "When!" The writer points out that in the old d-ys when two or three men went into a bar they know that everyone was going to shout, and '■ helped themselves sparingly." u Now, since a man only goes in for a drink when he wants one, he takes a real drink, and at the present price of liquor tlie full-sized drink at sixpence leaves very little profit." That is a really lovely touch—that " takes a real drink." What, a joyful spectacle it must bo in Dunedin to-day to see a Scot,_ with sixpence firmly 'clutched in the l ight hand, marching with conscious rectitude into a bar and buvrng himself a '' real" drink. But the'Dunedin P'tblirans are talking of raising the price!

There is a story which is being circulated with great g'!ee on the West Coas», a certain gold mine—i" Arizona or Balrlutha or Brazil or somtwheVe which " was industriously and painstakingly " salted " by its owners. Aforesaid owners then formed a company, and sold out to it, but in order to maintain confidence they fwnd it necessary to take part payment in shares in the company, while one of the vendors was placed on the directorate. He was an absent-minded old miner, not much interested in his directing job. At one of the early meetings of the directors the manager reported that the first crushings 3oz to the ton. "How much?" asked tile o'd miner, suddenly interested. "Three onftces to the ton, according to the manager's report," said the chairman. *'Manager's report be d , Mr Chairman," was the astonishing retort. " Wo put a dam sight more than that in!'"

TR T .TT: PA'HnoTIc'M. n h! T tock my litt'e chopper in n-y hand, And I ba3hcd to bits iny iove.y ikchst-cin grand; And the hean of wood and wirt> I .hrew hcad'oTV" on the fire To exjre-ss my b.tter scorn of " Allcmnnde.' I tcok her German Fciepors from my wife, From rny b-y 1 tc-k his German pocketknife ; And I threw J .horn in the river, Wi;h my feelings all n-ouiver, And I never felt to happy in my life. I c]car°d all my Er.yreuth vases eff the ehelf, Sonic daiii.y thines selected by mysell;' Ere ehe know what I ivas at I had hurcd thorn at .he c-t, _And the «'tt>und was littered deep with broken delf. My trouwr-brl-ons bore tha hated brand! I tore '.hem eff with an irayaticnt hand. Xow niy pants are tied vviili string Iu a tifi-h -encircihtT rins. Which gives me fits whenever I expand. All the health' Ocrtnan rou c ic in my rack, lliiiiS's by Mendelssohn and Beetlicven and Bach, My to-<,hbrn=h and mv c?ir-), _ ;i And the wall-card. "H-iue, Swret Home, Are reposing in the dustbin rourci tho bacK. M'v fiery i=i>irit now at last \s free, I indite this cdo in ardent hibi'ee; Bui- the poem that I've penned Now abrnutlv has to end, For ni" fonniain pen's marked " Unae m Germany."

A'iholiH? evidence hare I none, l!u. n:y mint's chimv. iikui k sister's ran -Heard a co-ir tabic on bin beat Say o a' bl.ke in Cashel Street 'i::at he'd a brother v.ho iuiri a J:Lend Who knew lux a fact when the war wouiti cad. tpr • •Ht Life, you know, is a very poultry affair. after all. ' A man is often called " Ducky " before his marriage and may even bo referred to as a "goose." Afterwards, we often find that ho is ohicwen-licarted and henpecked. » • The man who went to see "Tlie Birth of a Nation " watched with bulging eyes tlio Ku Klux Klan brandishing the fiery cross, «irid as,-he came out of the theatre he was heard to murmur, Gosh 1 That's it!" And when ho came back from Ashburton races and to'.d a friend with sadness that he had been put off backing Fiery Cross, the knowing ones understood that he had had the " straight griffin " and had missed it again. K.I Tn the production of big newspapers the ads that patent medicine men- put in play an important part. Most of them are controlled from England, and to save a lot of exepnse the firms send out cardboard casts, technically known as matrices, from which the blocks of "every picture tells a story" aro made. When the submarine policy was in full swing the firms at Home decided to send duplicate casts of each, matrice by different boats, so that if one was lost the other would arrive. But at least one newspaper in Christchurch has invariably received tho matrices by the same boat. They don't know that in England and still go on doing it. • • » * The horsey men who frequent a certain training track in or near the city are still chuckling over a little incident which occurred the other day and is worth retelling. One of the frequenters is an ample man, with a fine girth and a pretty conceit of his powers of progression despite his avoirdupois. On tms particular bracing morning the sports were discussing each other, and the fat one, a regular Koscoe Arbuekle, too, came in for pointed remarks. At last ho decided to show them : "All the same," he declared, heatedly, " I'll bet "anyone here that I can run round this track in four minutes. Has anybodygot a stop-watch ready?" A silenco followed, and then one of the heads remarked, sympathetically: " You don't want a stop-watch. What you want is a calendar."

The Ancient Jongleur the other day received through the post and the Censor a letter in verse from " Amelier," containing an offer which caused him deep concern. The lady described hej proportions, and they were comfortable, and suggested among other thinsrs that she would always inspire, the Muse. The message was so important that the Ancient Jongleur has been given permission to eave postage mid ovoid the Censor by npiyiug here. Hence: Amelia dear,— I think I understand Your note to meaa an offer of your handAnd heart, with chances, too, to use Yourself ns«subiect'for'my weakiy muse, An ample inspiration for my verses. Alas, . tis well you cannot hear iny cureea). One thing is always trua of married lile, No poet ever wri.es ab;ut liis wile. So to your rhyrain® note 'tis only left to f:y, • Declined with many than^a." The Ancient J. « * ♦ The cold snap during fh© week played havoc with the feelings of the Ancient Jongleur. and in the Ftress of his melancholia the following excursion in cynicism flowed' from his ironical pen: FOOLS. Fool* have there been since the first day da" ned Since Adam in Eden awoke and yawned, DHurbed by the musical lau<jh'er of Sve: The fret woman's- laugh iu the first woman's sleeve. A"ri fools there will be till the last day diei When Eve's youngest daughter can close her eyes. Th« created fool of them till fa Who "'.hinks lie cannot befooled be. And chtT.eft fool is +he man who thinks He knows what lies :'n a woman's winks. The gayest fool is the man T?ho fays That everything comes to the man wlig pays. And happiest fool of them all about Is -he fc'ol who hasn't as yet found out. The saddest fcol as this old world goes Is he whj has iust discover'd she.knows, And maddest of fool? is The fool whose life Consists of the notion he's fookd his wtfo. But wisest fools, and the truth'* m this Knows that she's fooling f -n's have there been einco the ..first day has paid for the.time that lw yawned, A«d fools lhfre will be till the end of Time, lr'or that is the reason of this poor rhyme,