FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 10753, 26 April 1913, Page 4

FUN AND FANCY.

What is that which has only a nose left when one i is put out?— Noise. Choilie: "I'm doing my best to get ahead, you know." Dollie: " Well, everybody knows you need one.." Lawyer: "My retaining fee "will be one thousand guineas." Alleged Muiv derer: "Gee, it costs a lot to live, nowadays!" Teacher: "Now, who can make a sentence with the word 'gruesome* in it?" Little Willie: "I oant 'The man stopped shaving and gruesome whiskers!' "

Tommy: " Dad ; what is a theorist?" Tommy's Dad: A theorist, my son, is a man who thinks he is learning ix> swim bv sitting on the bank and watching a frog in a pond." A boy of twelve, dining at his uncle's, made such a good dinner that hia aunt observed: "Johnny, you appear to eat well." "Yes, aunty," replied the urchin; "I've been practising all my life."

" Do you carry burglar insurance on your home, Bildad?" asked Wiggles, " I used but sinoe the twins came I've given it up," said Bildad. " Nor body sleeps at our house after dusk, so what's the use?"

The small daughter was setting the table for company when her mother called to her: "Put down three forks at each plaoe, dear." Having made some observation on her own account when the expected guests had dined with her mother before, she inquired : " Shall I give Uncle John three knives?" Englishman: " Did you hear the news to-dav?" Paddy What news?" Englishman: "I heard of a man thia morning that got drowned in a basin of water." Paddy: " Shu re, that's nothing. I saw a man that got drowned in his bed." Englishman: ''Oh, how did that happen?" Paddy: "Well, he fell through the mattress into, the spring." "Most musical critics are fools!'* said Robinson. " Why, one of thepi recently wrote in his report of a concert where I sang that my voice was a baritone, whereas it's pure basso!"' "Yes," said Jones—"a Dasso relievo." "Basso relievo?" replied Robinson, sharply. ''Nonsense!'' "It's not nonsense," retorted Jonas. "Basso when you sing, and a relief when vou leave off, know." The detective was trying to get a few pointers from the man who had employed him to hunt for a runaway boy. " Has he any distinguishing marks aliout him?" he asked. "Yes," said the father, frowning impatiently. " The distinguishing mark about him, sir, is that he looks iike me." " M'm !'* mused the detective, " I should hardly call that a distinction. That's a handicap." A rustic who did odd jobs for the village blacksmith asked leave of absence for the following day, which was granted. Inuring the morning his employers noticed nim, dressed, in his Sunday best, coming ' down the road from the direction of "the churph, sheepishly followed by a woman who kept about two paces to the rea,r, pu the opposite side of the road- Jerking tia thumb over his shoulder in the direction of his and at the same I time indicating her with a movement oi his head, the yokel solemnly ejaculated, "Got er 1" Two tourists travelling in Spain, and unable to speak the native language, found considerable difficulty in making" « known their wants. At a wayside inq they decided to order roast beef, with the usual trimmings. How shall wd manage it?" said one. "Oh, draV a picture of a bullP" replied tha other. The drawing was handed to the waiter, and he left them, apparently to execute tne order, but when he came back he had no steaming disll of '' roast beef and Yorkshire, but instead he handed them two tickets fa£ la hull fight! V . ■ At a trial Jn oourt wheu the witness i in the box was being subjected to a merciless cross-examination, in answering one question the witness nodded. "Whereupon the court stenographer, who was crowding the limit to get it all and could not Bee the witness, at once demanded: "Answer that question," to which the witness replied: "I did answer it; I nodded my head/' The stenographer, without a moment's hesitation, came right with, " Well. I heard it rattle, hut could not tell whether it tfas up and down or from side to side." An amusing story of Prince Danilo of Montenegro is told- One evening, when Prince Danilp was quite a little boy, the Royal Family were gathered round the fire, and the were recifci'ig little pieces of poetry to their parent's. When it came to Prince Danilo's turn he seemed to be very much embarrassed "If you don't know anything else," said his mother coaxingly, " you may just tell a little story." " I can't, mother," he said. "T really can't!" " Please do!'* said his

mother. "Wo should like it. very muoli. M " A very littia one, then." said the boy. " Certainly; if y»u don't' know a long one, a little one will do." " And you'll give me a kiss after-, wards?" he bargained. "Of course 1 shall," the mother replied. " And sa will your father." This seemed to encourage the boy, so he stood up boldly and announced: "There was once a beautiful china vase-—and I'?© just broken it!"

A NEAT POINT. They were decorating the parish church for a certain festival, when tha vicar happened to come in. Seeing some tacks lying about the pulpit, he remarked to his daughter, who had apparently been using them: " Don i> leave those tacks lying about, Katie. What would happen if I stepped on one in the middle of the sermon r ' " Well, 1 exclaimed Katie, " there would he on® point, you wouldn't linger on I'' HIS OFFER, A well-known Lancashire entertainer tells this story. Ha was leaving England for a tour of Australia. Crossing Liverpool, he was hailed unexpectedly in Church Street bv an old friend from Manchester. "Hello! Where are you off to?" was his friend's greeting. " Australia," was the rather staggering reply, but the friend was equal to the occasion. " Oh," he said, turning about; "well, I'll walk a bit of the way with you I" NONE TO GIVE AWAY. Henry T. Hunt, the young Reform Mayor of Cincinnati is a Yale man, and at a recent Yale banquet he told 8 story about a Mayor of the old school. "The Mayor.'' he said, "was aa cynical as lie was corrupt. A schoolmate visited him one day and aaked for a job. "•Well, Joe.' the Mayor answered, heartily, ' the very next job I have tc give away you eliall get.' " Joe waited about a year, then h< ventured to call on the Mayor again. " ' How about that job?' he said, re. proaohfullv. £ You told me a- year ago that I was to get the very next job you had to give away.' . " The Mayor, with a cynical snnle, replied •' ' But I've had none to give away, Joe. I've sold them all.' " OF COURSE. With a sharp rap upon her de6k th« somewhat youthful and very pretty schoolteacher called her class to attention. The lesson was on that mysterious subject, " General Knowledge," and the girl* must have been veil versed in the topic, to judge from the following reply. " Now. girls," remarked the teacher, " I'm going to sot you a problem of real life. A very rich man dies, leaving exactly one million pounds. Onefifth is to go to his widow, one-sixth to his only son. one-seventh to his daughter, one-eighth to his brother, and the vest to the local hospital. Whal did each get?" Like n forest, up went the arms of the pupils. The teacher singled out ? little £irl in the rear. " Please, miss, a solicitor!" came the pat reply.