FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 8100, 27 August 1904, Page 3

FUN AND FANCY.

m "That remains to be seen," as the boy said when he spilt the ink on the tablecloth. Gsggs: "By what weapon permissible in good society can I punish Miss Devine for snubbing me?" Waggs: "Cross beau and cut lass." "His facta are not reliable, are they?'* " Oh, no. But he is so interesting that you would rather believe what he tells you than If riow me truth.'' " I am speaking," said a long-winded orator, " for the benefit of posterity. " " Yes," said one of his hearers, " and if you keep on much longer, . your audience will be here." "To-day," said the minister, "I think you'd better tako up the collection before I preach my sermon-" "Why so?" asked the vestryman. "I'm going to preach ort '.Economy.' " A Salisbury man has a ben thirty-nine years old. The other day a hawk stole it, but after an hour came back with a brokerbill and three claws gone, put down tha hen, and took an old boot in place of it. IE bad were gcod, And good were bad, Great Scot! ' ■'■' "What a good time I could have had. The big raoing motor-car was fairly flying; "Fifty miles an hour," yelled tha wild chauffeur. " Are you brave?" " Yes,} I am just full of grit," replied the pretty girl as she swallowed another pint of dust. "• Father M'Naliy (with righteous indignation) .; " For shame on yej, O'Bleary ; ye'r* half dhrunk." O'Bleary (apologetically):: "Oi -know it, yer riverence t but it's nofe my fault. Oi've shpint all the money Oi ha*" A Sunday school teacher bad been telling the children that the Lord made everything, whereupon Tommy got up and said: "Did God make tigers?" "Yes." "And lions V "Yes." Then after some consideration jj "Flea* must bs fiddling things to make." Leap Year is having its effect. A youn j maa' flailed on a girl a few evenings ago and she complimented him on his new suit of clothes, and styled it his wedding suit. "But this is a business suit," he said. "Well," replied the young lady, firmly, " I mean business !" , Teacher (in rural .school class): "Sow* give me some words like ' bemoan ." Find) Smart School: "Bedew." Second Ditto: U: Beda.Tib." Third Ditto: "Bespatter." Fourth: Stupid Scholar (prompted by First Smart ' Scholar): "Begorra!" The Damsel: "Oh, Harold! I've been so frightened for you. Papa has bought a great big savage bull-dog, and — The Swain : " That's all right, darling. I've bought a dog, too. Ho will endeavour to keep your father's dog busy: w-hile'you and I saunter down to the parsonage." J "The old sexton approached the pulpit. "Parson," he exclaimed, in a hoarse whisper, "the churoh is on fire!" "All right,, John ; don't get exoit-d," rejoined tho gooi roan as he stopped abruptly in the middle of his sermon. " You pass down one aisle while I go down the other, and we'll quietly wake up the congregation." Sir Archibald Geikie tells of -^a West Highlander, who had been to Glasgow, and was consequently supposed to have got to the bottom of the mystery of telegraphy, and was asked to explain it. "Weel,' 1 said' he, "it's no easy to explain what you will no be understandin'. But I'll tell ye what it's like. If yon could stretch my. collie dog frae Aban to Tobermony, an' it wagglt its tail in Tobermony, o* if .1 vwass to tread on its tail in Oban an' it *qua__ed in Tobermony— that's what th* telegraph is like."