Fun and Fancy.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 5068, 29 September 1894, Page 3

Fun and Fancy.

w ♦ There is much tenderness in this seemingly cruel world— but the butoher rarely 1 finds it. The New Cook : " Ah! thi* is a splendid kitchen ; why, there's room here for a whole regiment !" Ho : " Have you ever noticed what simple ta_.es Mrs Alloash hasP" She: " Goodness, yes ! I met her husband today." Georgo (seriously) : "Do you think yom father would object to my marrying yon P" Ada: "I don't know; if he's anything like me he would." Wife (tearfully) .- " You've broken tha promise you made me !" Husband (kissing her): "Never mind, my dear, don't oryi I'll make you another." Willy : " Hoo ie't that ye gi'-e the wife a chance o' bein' sac often up in armset ye wi' the tongue P" John: "She's never happier than when findin' fau't, an' I jist like to please her." ' Little boy: "Mamma, are yon really going to marry an Italian connt P " Pretty widow: "Yes, my pet." Little boy (delightedly): "Oh, then I can ha*e :the monkey to play with, can't IP" Student : " How would yon advise 4ne to go about collecting a library P" Prof 6»BOJ?i " Well, I'll tell you how I managed it, When I was youne I bought books apd lent them. Now I borrow books ana'keep them." A lady editor oommenoea a long exhortation to bachelors with the following words : " Come, you poor, miserable, lonely, deserted, vulgar fractional pa>te£t animated Nature, come up here -and -Tie talked to." "What are the elements?" naked^a Texas teacher of a pupil. "Air f tufa. water, and whisky." " Why do yon qafl whisky one of the elements ? " " j3eQatue when pa comes home fall of whiaky*>-_-» says he is in his element." Mr Trump: "You are charming .tonight." Mißs Peach—" Indeed iTwhat fine things you men say. Mr Brown just told me the same thing." Mr Tramp (anxious to depreciate his rival) "'Of conrae you don't believe he meant itl" ' Mrß Jacobs: " Eva, you know we expeot the new boarder to-night. Is the family Bible put away?" Eva: "Better than that, ma; I have left oneof my pfotnMkjji his bureau drawer accidentally, and marked it ' October 15th, 1893; aged nineteen.'" A little fellow had been serionsly lectured by his mother, and finally mm into the garden to find a switch with whiohha waa to be punished. He returned soon, and said : " I couldn't find a switch, , mamma; but here's a Btone yon can throw at me." "Why don't Igo to work, mumP" qaifl the tramp, repeating Mra Oranbengr^ question. "I'd only be too happy 111 oould get something to do in me own line of business." "What might that bf-F" asked the sympathetic woman* " Cohmrln' meexsohaums, mum." The knack of looking at -the bi&fcfcj&de of things was never developed lo cneji perfection as in , the case of a man wVfy after a railway accident, telegraphwt ?§p his friend's wife: "Your husband I__l_m in railway accident ; head, both anna ana both legs cut off." Bat later t_ris,ooraeotion was received: "First report exaggerated; your husband killed; headtftd legs cut off, but only one arm." "Look here," said the parent to the schoolteacher, "I see that one of tj_4 lines in my boy's copy-book is, * Lqis haste. more speed.'" "Yes." "And hace> another that readß, 'The longest way ronno is the shot teat way home.'" "Yes." " Well, I want it stopped. I don't want those mouldy proverbs f estoonedaround his intellect. I'm educating him for businessnot the United Stateß Senate." VISIBLE SIGNS,. Johnny: "I tell you, papa's going to catoh it after the company's gone." Tommy : " How do you know P" Johnny: "He told ma onoe or twioe ehe waß mistaken abont something, ahd the said, ' Why darling?'" PKOOF POSITIVE. Sammy : " Going to move soon. Tommy P" ( Tommy: "Yes." Sammy : " How do you know P" Tommy : " Ah ! how d' I know P Didn't me' mother lemme break a winder t'other day an' didn't say nothin' P" FOOTBALL. Again it was the old story of the maiden who knew all about sports being taken to the match by a male, enthusiast. He shut her up onoe or twice, but the goal-keeper puzzled her. " Does he do nothing but stand there P " she asked. "Oh ! lord, yes," he said, with irritation " I thought you knew — " "Of course — how forgetful of in . ! " abe prattled. "I might have remembered that that player always plays /rom balk." A COBPSE BEVIVEE. A small country party were stopping at Nutfield for Newcastle race- and driving over to Gatwick each day. The fatigue of the day's racing had incapacitated the two ladies from enjoying the second, but the male escort with great confidence proposed going to the chemist with an lufallible recipe which be always took before pigeon shooting, and warranted to make the taker as steady as Old Time. Having swallowed what he took to be the prescription, he told the chemist that two ladie. wanted a pick-me-up, and asked him to prepare another dose of the prescription ; " A pick me-up, I should think so. Great goodness ! it's a cure for mange in dogß." THE CAT. Two tramps, one from green Erin and the other from the land of saver-kraut and beer, excessively hungry, had _t.ruok a farm house, the owner of which would give them a lodging, but no food ; so to bed they went suppcrlese. About twelvo o'clock Hans got up and _ went softly down to the pantry. Having eaten a hearty meal, he returned, being compelled to pass through the farmers bed chamber. When he got back, Pat questioned him as to how he had passed. " An' did you not wake the ould farmer man up ? " ho asked. "Ya," answered Hans; "but I just stood still and said ' Miaow, miaow.' " " Begorra, but you ought to bo an Oirishman," said Pat. "I'll do the same me-aelf," and rising, he went slowly and cautiously down. As he entered tne farmer's room he stumbled over a shoe, kicked a chair, and awoke the farm r, who cried angrily : " "Who's there t" "Oh, lay shtill, ssid Pat, "Oi'm tlio cat!"