CONTEMPORARY HUMOUR.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 6044, 28 September 1887, Page 2

CONTEMPORARY HUMOUR.

HE KNEW HOW TO FLOAT A MINE. " Yes," said a cbipper, as he looked wistfully at the exhausted tobacco from which I the last vestige of nicotine had been ! squeezed out, " yes, things is changed. They're trying to sell that old mine in the East. They can't do it. They hain't got the genius." "Genius be • ■ !" said another. "There ain't an ounce of metal in the whole lode." " What's that got to do with it P" "Well, I should say it had a good deal to do with it." " I had a good deal of money at one time, pardner, and I ." " Oh, shut up on that. You've told us that a thousand times." i "Well, I floated a mine. Sold it, by! gosh, for SO.OOOdoIs, and it hadn't a bit of ore anywhere about it." " Get out !" "I did ; you bet I did, and I made just 18,750dols— my half share of the profit, barring some few expenses." " How t" " I guaranteed that aa it stood it would pay ten dividends every month for twelve months. I guaranteed that. See!" "■£es»leee."

"Well, I got my 50,000d01. I put 12,000d0l in the bank to pay my dividends for a year, an' kept my word." "An then?" " Well, I hadn't guaranteed any more, had I?" The mine unfortunately, of course, petered out then." THE BOOTBLACK WAS 'CUTE. AH who know Judge Bleckley and recall his long, wavy hair and beard will appreciate this Btory : He was on his way to the Supreme Court one morning, when he waa accosted by a little street gamin, with an exceedingly dirty face, with the customary " Shine, Bir ?" He was quite importunate, and the Judge, being oppressed with the oppressive untidiness of the boy's face, said: "I don't want a shine, but if you will go wash your face I'll give you a dime." " All right, sir." "Well, let me see you do it." The boy went over to an artesian hydrant and made his ablution. Returning, he held out hie hand for the dime. The Judge said— • ° "Well, sir, you've earned your money t here it is." The boy said—" I don't want yonr money, old fellow; you take it and have your hair cut," saying which he Bcampered off. THE MAGISTRATE. (BT A ZVBA.TIC XAUREITE FULL OP THB CMS CAS?,) Gaily the constab'e kissed the book, And said with a smile, as his oath ho took, It a only the facts as I mean to state "— . I believe you, my boy," said the Magistrate. Then the constable told the strangesttalea, How the chap in the dock was the Priaceot Wileß, And he d Eeen him begging at Albert-gate—' I believe you, my boy," said the Magistrate. He had watched the Prince till he saw him tw The pickets of ladies walking by. : And pass th-J swap: to a aweh mob mate — I believe yon, my boy," said tie Magistrate. Then the constable added he'd seen the Queen, " vvho said what a handfnl her boy had been. And she gneßsed that the gallows would be his fate— " I believe yon, my boy," said the Magistrate. Then the constable said, whim he ran Wales in, He swore and struggled and kicked his Bhin, Ana bit off his ear and it portion ate— I bBlieve you, my boy," Eaid the Magistrate. The Prince he called for his Eoyal mamma, And into the box went Victoria ; ohe proved an alibi tull of weight— " You're not on yonr oath I" yelled the Magistrate. «X he C 2 BB is P ro Ted," to the Prince said he } «• ™ n d ?f c " a sir months, but I'll give youthr»e.* . SAT** 9 to tha Tmes >" cried the Prince irate - Take him away I" shrieked the Magistrate. The Queen went out of the Conrt in tears. T B i h « Bench indulged ia some patting sneers: And skilly and tote waa the Prince's fateIt 11 do him good," said Hie Magistrate, But Parliament took up the Prince's casu, Acd the young P. 0., with a scared, white face, Bead out to his pal the big debate— 1 It's awfully hot," said the Magistrate. Then the constable said, "It's the blooming Pns»» As has settled our nice little games, I guess ,- w«d better resign, as the row's so great." I leline ijou, my bay," said the Magistrate. "MAEGAEINE." (A Middleman's Lament.) " For the protection of the public, all consignments- of the spurious compound that has hitherto, under the ti&e of ' Butterine,' passed current in the market for genuine butter, will in future be dis. tinctly labelled and known aa 'Margarine.'"— Trade Intelligence. Aii 1 tell me not they've changed fty uuse. So long a sweet decoy, By which I'va made my Kttla guna, And palmed off thy alloy. Of. chemicals and horses' fat, And things not nice or clean, Tou were composed ; but what of that ?— You looked like butter in the pat, Why call you " Margarine " ? Ah t why the public undeoaive ? They boujrht thee with a wflj, i And in thy virtues so believe That they would buy thee still ! Why have such meddling measures framed By legislation mean ? Alas ' thy origin's proclaimed ; Ho more' with butter art thou named, . But henceforth " Margarine "1 SHAKSPERE IN THE BALLROOM. ... Some time ago a writer in one of the Bombay papers Bhowed, very successfully, that Shakspere knew as much about polo as most hard-riding subalterns. Furthei study of the immortal bard reveals that he was equally learned about the station dance which follows the polo match*. So true it is that the great poet writes for all men in all ages. This is what Shakspere eaya about a ball :— Hon Sec. Ball Committee. " So many guests invite as here aro writ.** — Romeo and Juliet. Light Weights. n " Give room and foot it, girls ! "—Romeo and Juliet. Heavy Weights. " Nay sit, nay sit— for you and I are past onr dancing d&ys."— Romeo and Juliet. Opening Quadrille. " A measure full of state and ancientry." — Much Ado about Nothing. The Waltz. " Our dance of custom — round about."— , Merchant of Venice* The Polka. " Dance it trippingly." — Merchant of Venice. Cotillon. " What a sweep of vanity comes this way! They danee — they danee — they are mad women !" — Timan of Athens. Spues and Trains. *' See what a rent !" — Julius Casar. Any Dancer. " Heaven match me with a good dancer.'* — Mvch Ado about Nothing. A Wall Flower. " I may sit in a corner and cry Heigho."-« Much Ado about Nothing. Among the Chapeeons. " Pray * * * what fair swain is thia which dances with your daughter ?*' — Winter's Tale. " Surmises, jealousies, conjectures."— Henry IV. "Whisperings are abroad." — Macbeth. "The night is long." — Macbeth. ■ Compliments. " When you do dance, I wish ycu a wave of the sea, that you might ever do nothing but that." — Winter's Tale. One Giel of Anotheb. "Unwieldy, slow, and heavy— dull as lead." — Romeo and Juliet. To a Wall-psop. "We must have thee dance ! Not I, believe me."-— Romeo and Juliet. Supper. " Hark how these instruments summon to supper, . . Nothing but sit and Bit and eat and eat.'* — Taming of the Shrew. .• " Lef s to supper."— Antony and Cleopatra. " I have supped full." — Macbeth. Ladies' Cloak Boon. " I would not care for my spirits were not my legs so weary." — As Tou Like It. Drowsy Husband. " Get thee to bed and rest, for thou hast need." — Romeo and Juliet. '■ Stewards among the Carriages. "Good night, ladies. Good night, sweet ladies, Good night. Good night." — Hamlet. Second SurpEß. "Nay, gentlemen, prepare not to depart, We have a trifling foolish banquet towards." — Romeo and Juliet. "We'll go to supper i' the morning."— ICingr Lear. "Come again to supper."— Timon of Athens. CHOEDS OF SOBALTKttNS. " A soldier's a man, man's life's bu& a span, Why then let the soldier drink-"— Othello. 5.30 a.m. "Daylight and champa(g)ne." — Twelfth Night. " I have drunk too much 6ack at supper ** —Henry IV. Next Noon. " How my head aches. What a head have I ! It beats as it would fall in twenty pieces." — Romeo and Juliet.