Page 4 Advertisements Column 5

Star (Christchurch), Issue 3550, 27 August 1879, Page 4

RESUSCITATION I OJ THB LONG-MOULDERING DISEASE AND DEATH-DESTROYER LOST! IOST! ! LOST! LOST! . ' IK N OAH'S ARK,; AT TUB TIMB Ot THB GBEAT FLOOD! Startling Delusions ! Professor Gtusscott, The Renowned HERBALIST AND CHIROPODIST, HAS Recently awakened to the fact of his being Under a painful delusion. He has all through life been taught that the love of life ia strong in every individual ; that under its influence persons will have recourse to the most costly means to keep themselves alive. HoitoWAT knew thiß, and so, with a box of pellets and a jar of grease, he has mode a fortune. That preparation of Cooklb's, swallowed so largely by a public eager to live, has also made its owner a fortune. People will live, they say, and so for- I tunes have been made, and are yet being made, easily. As all medicines advertised are positive cures, the public, of course, buy them. NOW COMES THE PROBLEM. If all these Medicines, compounded of such curious and unpronouncable materials, cure all thoso to whom they are administered, then there is nothing left for PROFESSOR GUSSCOTT, but to KILL, which he mußt do on a large scale, as HIS MEDICINES ARE EAGERLY SOUGHT AFTER, and are to be SEEN in EVERY HOUSE. The Professor has concluded that the old theory that PEOPLE WANT TO LIVE IS False, and their applying to him for the means to quit the scene in such large numbers, is the best proof tho publio can have of the correctness of his conclusions. What astonishes him most is the fact that cureß are effected of the most malignant diseases, and of every variety of such unexpected remedies, as "Mineral Poisons," Jars of Scented Grease, and Solutions of Epsom Salts, coloured with chalk, and scented with Peppermint, the virtues of which havo been sung by the Wild Children of tho Forest, and applauded by the learned in our Colleges. While his killing should be effected by THE BEST HERBS, directly imported from tho best houses in America, nor is he leas surprised that peoplo should come to havo WARTS AND CORNS EXTRACTED, without undergoing any pain, whon they can havo them burnt off by Caustic and Bluo Stone, as the horse-shoer burns off the superfluous portion of the animal's hoof. Tho Professor is perfectly astonished at tho ways of the world, and he is resolved, if tho peoplo mean to die, to dispense the means of their doing so, as on their own heads, and not on his, will the responsibility lay. I^T OWING TO THE INCESSANT DRAIN ON HIS STRENGTH, by attending to the call of so many in the district THE PROFESSOR, Has taken himself to MANOHE9TEB STREET, CHBISTCHUBCH (Opposite Laurio's Timber Yard), Where, in tho quiet seclusion of his Pbivatb Room, he will try to recruit his strength. If peoplo will persist iv following him, and are wishful to pull him down with themselves, they will find it NECESSARY NOT TO BREAK IN THE DOOR OF HIS ROOM, nor KICK AT THE WALLS, until they awaken the wholo street in their efforts to make him hear. IMPORTANT DISCOVERY!! GREAT DISCOVERY ! Peofessob Gusscott, Herbalist, Chiropodist, and Curer of Diseascsi n General, begs to inform tho residents of Dunodin, that ho possesses the secret of a Great Discovert which has enabled him to obtain Signal Victories over the greatest enemies of man. Philosophers aro agreed that Nature iB pregnant with secrets which, if known, would Cure Lifo of all its Ills. Disoaso is a prolific parent of ills — a " monster " which has more than matched tho learning and skill of centuries. Doctors have claimed tho exclusive right to deal with diseases, and they have so conspicuously failed as to becomo proverbial. Napoleon Buonaparte summed up the results of (heir skill as inimical to Mankind, and as a rule ho carefully avoided both Doctors and their Drugs. Tho imperious Corsican, however, could only speak from tho past and from what ho obscrrod. He had no idea that in the fullness of time thero woidd arise ono Pbofbssob Gusscott, whose skill so omnipotent in curing disease, would be tho wonder of his age. The Profossor, after years of research, m which Nature's repository was ransacked, at length discovered tho King of Pain, andthe secrot of destroying those monsters which make "wretched" so many of his race. Armed with the darts of Science, dipped in Herbal Juices, tho Professor,,like the ohivalrous knights of feudal times, enters tho arena whore the monsters of disease lovo to revel — and now behold him ! See the serenity with which confidence invests him! There, feasting on its victims— whoso Bufferings aro hellish — in Dyspepsia and its loathsome brood, whose name is legion. Thero is Fever, breathing its fiery blast through the veins of the helpless babe. Thero Consumption, like the fabled Vulture of tho Ancients, is eating out the vital organs of its victim, whilo, with deceitful breath, it promises him life. There is Cholera, fastened on the strong and robust, cramping them in convulsive agonies. While mingled in inextricable confusion, are Disease Fiends of overy shapo, making the scene hideous with their infernal work. Now the Professor advances, and now his enemies recoil, as one hy one they receive a thrust until the last dies — tho oppressive stillness of tho scene, proclaiming tho omnipotence of Pbofbsbob Gusscott. Tho fame of the Professor is abroad throughout the land. THE PROFESSOR MAT BK BEBN AT MANOHESTER STREET, And he will recommend his TONIO! As the greatest destroyer, not of MAN AND WOMAN, That tho World has ever seen. Ladibs and Gkntlbmbn— Don't misunderstand the Professor, hu Medicine kills Disoaso, while tho Pills ' and Grease, the Mineral Poison, the Epsom Salts, and Chalk Water, fatten Disease. %* Don't Fobgbt— PROFESSOR GUSSCOTT'S RENOWNED TONIO! Mado from the best American Herbs, Discovered by Adam and Eve in tho Garden of Eden, by which thoy were oured when seriously ill from eating applos, and handed down through all the mßle branches of the family until it reached Porfessor Gusbcott, who is a child of tho good old pair. Don't mistake tho Address— MANOHESTER STREET (Opposite Laurie's Timber Yar3). f