THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXXVII, Issue 34, 28 April 1917, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

THE Baptist brotherhood of Waitemata is acutely disturbed that any of -its members should descend to physical mea.ns for the settlement of human differences, for the ancient Biblical advice, if one is smitten on the right cheek, he. should "turn to him the other also," is, one knows, the basis of all Christian belief (loud ones of "Oh!"). It is unhappily asserted that, two .pillai-s of the persuasion at Milford had a slight financial misunderstanding. The one brother is large and powerful, the other brother is small, and without the physical stamina of his co-reli-gionist. Each' is said to: owe money to the other, and to have written various demands for a■'■ settlement. Each,is said to.have appealed in. befitting language per word of mouth without avail. The position became intolerable, the brethren met, and a physical combat ensued, deeply to the distress of the little community, for the pacific beauty of Milford resounded to the pagan music of Baptist fists beating Christian countenances. It is regretfully announced that might prevailed, that Big Brother beat Little Brother. Whether the financial disagreement has been settled by this regrettable, recourse to violence is niot known, but the elders of the church (do you call Baptists "elders"?) are looking fearfully grave in public and relaxing into smiles in private.

"Coalie" :—I was a miner for 35 years, and I know miners. The coal-miner isn't up against the country or his own kith and kin. All he says i.s, "If the capitalist is going to make money talk we're going to make coal talk." The hewer of black diamonds is very human. "Go slow" is simply a protest against the boss's bulging pocket. The miner reasons: "If I hew 5 tons of coal the boss gets double the profit he would get if I only hewed 2£ tons. I punish myself by hewing less, but I hew less on the principle that if the Government conscripts men it should conscript wealth, too." The miners are doing what they are doing to force Colonel James Allen (who is interested in coal) to do what the Welsh miners persuaded Lloyd-George was the just, right and honourable thing to do. The miner isn't up against his country or his mate in the trenches. He's up against the bulging pocket. He wants the bulge to go to the. State,. If Bill gives his life to the State, he wants Mr Diamond Black, the semi-millionaire, to shed his profits. Lloyd-George tackled the question and settled it by impounding the pockets. Colonel Allen has a chance, of being a good imitation of the "little Welsh lawyer."

A burning patriot of the thermal district rushes into print with a novel suggestion equalling the. suggestion of an Auckland city councillor, who wanted the top of Mount Eden painted white, to deceive visiting royalty into the belief that it was a snow-capped hill. This gentleman wishes to commemorate the Gallipoli campaign and New Zealand's part in it by building a representation of the fighting terrain —one for the North Island, one for the south. All that would be necessary to make this artificial Gallipoli would be to select a suitable mass of hills and fortify them at tremendous expense, in order to make a tourists' holiday. As a patriotic suggestion its like has never been

heard outside of a mental hospital. It wouldn't take many millions of pounds to do—and nobody would go to see it when it was done after the first few weeks' novelty. It's no use spending money on the dead.

"When it was said that the Hun authorities struck a medal to commemorate the destruction of the Lusitania. and the murder of 1198 non-combatant men, women, and children, few people believed it. It seemed incredible. But one of these medals is being exhibited in Wellington at the moment. On the obverse of the medal is the legend "Keine Bann.e War (no contraband), and it shows the great ship (armed and carrying aeroplanes) sinking. On the obverse is the legend "Geschaft Über Alles" ("Business as usual"), and shows death at the ticket office taking tickets from the passengers. It is a hideous metal record of the foulest crime in the history of the world, and it should be exhibited in every English town when the Hun is in extremis and British people say, "Don't be too hard on them." • ® <& fti An Australian nurse's protest:— I see that the authorities in New ' Zealand have forbidden military nurses to marry without the express consent of the general officer commanding. I note, too, that this action has been quoted with approval in the Commonwealth. Why should not a nurse marry if she gets a good opportunity of securing a good man? That this war has afforded nurses such bportunities cannot be denied. The nurses have seized the opportunities. More power to them. I .seized mine. My boy is still fighting, and I am still doing my bit, and I should be very interested to hear how I have failed in my duty, or what good would have resulted from the abandonment of my marriage. Nurses are accused by spiteful people of intriguing to trap husbands, but let me tell you they get husbands because they deserve them, and because the sensible soldier .who has been in hospital for a few months has the best opportunity in the world of testing the good woman, and finding if she is good all through. f$ f§> &■ To ask a lady her age is to court disaster as a rule, and even if an answer is given at all in most cases it is open to surmise that there is a little exaggeration. Leo D. Chateau, that veteran treatrical manager who is running a picture at the Lyric which none under 18 years of age may see, has had his work cut out obeying the censor's instructions to enforce the age limit. A pretty little flapper with short hair flapped

up to the ticket box the other day, and was swooped down upon by Leo. "Are, you eighteen?" he asked. Blank astonishment flashed back from the flapper's eyes, and, more in sorrow than in anger, came back the answer: "Eighteen? Don't be absurd. Because I have cut my hair to suit the fashion you think I am a kid. lam 42 and married. W r here are my children?" And turning from the stunned Leo she called after daddy with two children in a pram, "Meet me when the show's over."

"Marineite":—l watched an interesting manifestation of that special kind of courtesy and consideration which one expects from gentlemen in war time at four o'clock one recent afternoon. A ferry boat was almost due to le.ave. A woman with a small baby in her arms sprinted hard down the wharf, and got her foot on the passenger stage. The gentleman, in charge of the boat at that instant throw the gangway up, and the panting woman did not get aboard. He shouted-out some derisive thing to be - disappointed woman. He had beaten her, and it was a special victory for officialism, seeing that she; had a baby with her. The boat did not cast off for several seconds, and several men got aboard after th© gangway was up. I congratulate that man, and ask him jf he would have thrown the managing director of his company off if that potentate, had been one second late, and whether he would have shouted derision at him ?

A wounded soldier puts a view that is not generally held: Many of us don't care to wear the sleeve wound: stripe or brand to distinguish and exalt us above the unwounded soldier. It assumes our superiority to the man who is still fighting. The man who is not hit is the only man who counts in battle. One soldier may be smacked out five minutes after he has got to the front. Another man may serve for two or three years, and have the luck to be of real use to the Army all that time. Many of us do not believe in discrimination. Heroism does not consist in getting hit. The best service is to remain whole as long as one can. A wounded soldier is a loss of fighting power:—a dead soldier has to be buried. The war isn't going to be won by dead soldiers. Wasn't there somebody ,who said it was better to be a live mouse than a dead lion? All the chaps I know would rather be at the front smacking out Huns than at home nursing a "crook" leg or arm, not because any soldier doesn't hate war, but because the more sound men we have the sooner peace will come.