FACTS & FANTASIES

Observer, Volume XXIX, Issue 43, 10 July 1909, Page 14

FACTS & FANTASIES

POETRY is catching. A playwright recently told a story of rehearsing "Twelfth Night" for an open-air performance in a garden which was overlooked by a rising brick edifice. As the amateurs recited their lines the workmen continued their labours. One afternoon, during a short pause in the rehearsal they heard a voice from the building operation saying gravely : "I prithee, malapert, pass me yonder brick."

■ • * A young barrister was examining a stolid country yoked in a horse-deal-ing case. " Now, sir, attend to me, please. Did Mr Smith sell the plaintiff a horse in. June last ?" "No." "What ! Ah, I see, you are a stickler for exactness. Well, then did Mr Smith, junior, sell the horse?" "No." "Come, come, sir, don't quibble. Did Mrs Smith sell the horse ?" "No." " No ! Did Mr Smith sell anything to the plaintiff in June last?" "Ay." " Ah. Perhaps you will tell us what that was ?" "'E sold un a mare." • • •

Magistrate : "You say you are innocent. How do you explain the fact that you were found near the scene of the robbery with the stolen property in your hands ?" Prisoner : " That's what puzzlin' me, too, yer worship." • ■ ■

An industrious mechanic pinched himself in personal expenditure in order to purchase a piano for his two daughters. He was asked how his children appreciated the gift. " Well," he replied, " I hardly know. They appeared to be pleased enough, but the first piece they learned was 'Everybody Works But Father.'"

My boy," said an anxious father, why can't you settle down and marry Susan ? She loves you, and would make you happy." "No, father, it is impossible ; she's not suitable." " But why not ?" " Because of her past." " Her past ? Well, sir, what fault have you to find with her past ? " There's too much of it."

"Gentleman," said an American, who had been listening to some "steep stories," you have all done your best, but I think my yarn will make yours look small. I was onco treed by a most ferocious bull moose. To make matters worse, my ammunition gave out. As I thought of the loved ones at home tears came into my eyes, rolled down on to the palm of my hand, and froze as hard as marbles. A happy thought flashed through my mind. Taking the frozen tears, I rammed them into my gun, blazed away, killed the moose, and then, gentlemen, and then " The story-teller's audience filed out.

That it pays to have a smart lawyer was clearly exemplified in the case of a company which was sued for damages by an employee who claimed that, owing to a lift accident, he was maimed for life. Although the accident occurred months before the action, he stated that his right arm was still crippled, and that he was unable to raise it above his waist. He explained all this with much feeling and earnestness during his examination. Then the solicitor for the company took him in hand. "Show \is how high you can raise your arm," said he. The defendaiit feebly raised his arm a few inches. " Now show us how high you could raise your arm before you were injured," continued the attorney. The defendant unhesitatingly, and unthinkingly raised the arm high above his head !

An Irish Member of Parliament once described another member as ' an understrapper, a mere political fly, who was acting the part of a snake-in the-gr ass, a back-stairs assassin of the people."

"This play, in its intensity," said the go-out-between the acts young man, "fairly takes my breath away." " 1 only wish it would !" gloomily remarked the lady in the next seat.

A gifted counsel concluded a brilliant speech with a prolonged passage of fortissimo eloquence, which greatly impressed the jury and endangered the cause of his opponent. The latter, an obscure barrister, had sat patiently attentive to the tumultuous gusts of his legal friend, and after the reverberations of the closing crash he rose quietly from his seat. "As I listened the thunderous appeals of my learned friend," he said, addrsshig the jury in a drawling tone, "I recalled an" old fable. You will remember, gentlemen, how the lion and the ass agreed to slay the beasts of the field and divide the spoil. The ass was to go into the thicket and bray, and frighten the animals out. while the lion was to wait and kill the fugitives as fast as they appeared. The ass sought the darkest part of the jungle, and, lifting up his voice, brayed, and brayed, and brayed. The as-s was quite delighted at the effect, and .thought he'd turn and see what the lion thought of it. "With a light heart he went back and found the lion looking doubtfully about him. ' What do you think of that ?' asked the exultant ass. ' Don't you think I scared 'em ?' ' Scared 'em ?' repeated the lion, in an agitated tone, ' why, you'd have scared me if I hadn't known that you were a donkey.' " The jury laughed, and the effect of the lawyer's sonorous eloquence was visibly weakened, and he lost the case.

Well, sir," asked a London magistrate skarply, of a prisoner whose appearance in the dock was of frequent occurrence ; ' what has brought you here this time ?" " Two p'leecemen, yor worship." "Drunk again, I suppose?" "Yes, sir, both of em !"

"Well, yes," said old Uncle Lazzenberry, who was intimately acquainted with most of the happenstances of tho village. " Almira Stang has broken off her engagement with Charles Henry Tootwiler. They'd be going together for about years, during which time ehe had been inculcatin' into him, as you might call it, the beauties of economy ; but whoa she uisoovered, just lately, that hs had learnt hie lesson so well that lie had saved up two hundred and seventeen pairs of socks for her to darn immediately after the wedding, she 'peared to conclude that he had taken her advice a little too literally, and broke off the match."

From the fact that he left over a million sterling, it may be assumed tha.t the late Earl of Mansfield sawto it that his servants served him as well as demanded by his ancestor, the first earl. This nobleman had occasion to dismiss his coachman, and, importuned for a " character," wrote as follows : "The bearer, John , has served m& for three yeans in the capacity of coachman. He is an able driver and a very sober man. I discharged him because he cheated me." A day or two later the man returned to thank his old master for the help he' had afforded in getting him a new berth. " How had the testimonial helped him ?" — Lord Mansfield wished to know. The new master had observed that ability to drive and sobriety were the qualities he required in a coachman. As for the cheating, " "Well, said he, "I'm a Yorkshireman, and I'll be hanged if yo\. cheat me."