THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE.

Observer, Volume XXII, Issue 51, 6 September 1902, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE.

THERE is a pretty kettle of fish in Wellington just now over the adjustment award that the audit officer, Easton, was ordered to make between the- borough of Waihi and the county of Ohinemuri. As we explained last week, Easton, with fine contempt for the existing law, divided Waihi's gold revenue with the County, and, by further autocratic disposal of its funds, left the Borough with scarcely enough money to pay its salaries, to say nothing of carrying on the ordinary functions of a governing body. It went without saying that the award could not stand. It was too preposterous. And so it has proved.

Sir Joseph Ward is in an awkward predicament as a result of the absurd award, and when he has another adjustment to make, it is pretty safe to conclude that he won't choose Mr Easton for it. Waihi knows its rights at law, and is demanding them, Mr Easton's award to the contrary notwithstanding. Ohineinuri, on the other hand, wants its bonanza as conveyed to it by the Easton award. If Sir Joseph gives way to Waihi, he must offend Ohineinuri, and if he takes the side of Ohineinuri, he will incur the everlasting hostility of Waihi, suffering under the loss of its birthright. Was ever Cabinet Minister placed in such an awkward position, and that on the eve of a general election, by the exploit of an official whom he had distinguished by choosing him for a delicate negotiation ?

However, no matter who is displeased, the law must be obeyed. And Sir Joseph Ward has made it clear that the gold duty belongs to Waihi, and cannot he taken from it by the act of an audit officer, or any other official. Therefore, these tears at Waihi and rejoicings at l'aeroa were premature. Waihi retains possession of its £12,000 a year, while, so far as the maintenance of the main road is concerned, that must be mutually arranged or a second adjustment made. Evidently, Mr Easton's splash, heralded with such a flourish of trumpets, has not brought the big goldfields problem any nearer solution than it was before.

Among other things, one of the lady prohibitionists how touring New Zealand, is an ardent anti-tobacconist. In a northern town, she related to her audience how, with much patience and womanly tact, she had, after twenty years, wooed and won her husband from the wiles of Lady Nicotine. She told her audience that so overjoyed was she when her efforts were crowned with success that she threw her arms round her husband's neck and kissed him. And a smoker at the back, who had breathlessly listened for the finale, ejaculated fervently : "Serve him right, too!"

The farmers will be getting too rich for anything soon. It is not enough that butter has been fetching Is 5d f. 0.1). at Auckland, and that New Zealand bullocks are bringing close on £30 a head in the Sydney market, but a genius has now turned up with a scheme for converting sawdust into fodder. The chance of the North, the roadless, neglected North, has come at last.

Dear Observer, — Referring to your sub-leader on " Cheap money to farmers," it may interest you to learn that about 170 years ago a similar measure to our " advances to settlers" was in existence in a portion of North America. The Act was repealed on account of official corruption and over-lending. It is now many years since I read an account of the North American experience in an old book, but I think Adam Smith mentions the matter in his "Wealth of Nations." Some time ago, it was suggested that our colonial legislators should be compelled to study "Adam Smith " before entering Parliament. The committees ought at all events. — Yours faithfully, J. D. V. Morgan.

Many good stories might be told of the exercise of the female franchise at the last general elections, but here is one of the best. It happened at the Thames. Outside the polling booth, a well-known member of the Miners' Union met a female friend, a new arrival from the Emerald Inland, and greeted her with the question : " Well, Bridget, which did you vote for — McGowan or Greeuslade ?" Bridget looked indignant. " I voted for nayther the one nor the other," was her tart reply ; "shure, whatever have they done for the ould land that I'd vote for them ? I rubbed out both their names and plumped John Dillon. That's the man for my money. Dillon for ever ! And God bless ould Ireland and the blue sky above her !"

" Old Tinier" writes : " Re the story about a ghost-haunted coal-mine in Glamorganshire, into which the miners refuse to descend, fearing an accident, I am reminded of an incident that took place at the Rotokohu, just after the opening of, the Ohinemuri goldfield. Two of us were putting in a drive, and my mate, who was wheeling out the stuff, suddenly dropped his barrow and came running back to me with a yarn that he hail seen a ghost. I had scarcely time to work up an incredulous laugh when a big lump of the roof fell in. Had my mate proceeded with the barrow, he would certainly have lost his life."

They had a quarrel, and she sent His letters back next day: His ring and all his presents went To him without delay. " I 'ray send my kisses back to me," He wrote. "Could you forget them ?" She answered speedily that he must come hiiiTHfand get them. Dear Observer, — Do you believe in mental telepathy, or whatever name that faculty which reveals to us the thoughts of others is called ? I was walking up Queen-street on Saturday night with a friend. When we arrived at a certain chemist's shop, he said, "Well, this is my destination." We shook hands, and I jokingly said, " Prussic acid's the most effective thing, you know." "Now, that's od 1," replied my friend, " I am going to get some prussic acid to kill a dog. How did you know ?" I didn't know.— Yours etc., Oumo.

The new bridge connecting Northcote and Birkenhead is a great convenience, but why only one hand-rail ? Why are people at liberty to drown themselves on the up stream side and prohibited from slipping into the bay where, one would think, the water is cleaner '!

Some people vainly imagine that a country newspaper correspondent* life is strewn with roses. They are wrong, as one of the fraternity could tell them. This gentleman resides in a certain Waikato township, where news, if it cannot be collected, must be made. Hearing that a certain tradesman con templated going to Auckland, he jumped to the conclusion that it was a permanent removal, and wrote a paragraph stating that Mr O'Brien (this name will do) was going to Auckland in order to find a better opening for his family. The par duly appeared in the Buster, and then O'Brien sought an interview with the scribe, whom, when found, he thus addressed : '« An' so I have got to go to Auckland to find implyment for my childer, have I ? Take thot !" And he neatly laid the correspondent on the ground, and bequeathed him a couple of black eyes. Like a wise man, the paragraphist took it all as a joke and said nothing about it. But ( »'Brien snorted wildly around that township for a month,

" Blow for Blow " was the title of a comedy that engaged the attention of the Auckland Brokers' Association for nearly two hours the other^ day. Comedy we call it, but as it happened, the play, which was of fists, might have ended in tragedy. Certainly, the will was there. The principal performers were two gentlemen who are conspicuous figures on the floor of the Exchange. The plot of the comedy related to a transfer of Bunker's Hill shares, which shares had been sold some considerable time ago, with the result that the transfer was considerably out of date and wanted renewing.

One of the performers was aggrieved.. When the shares were worthless, he had been left to nurse the baby, or, in other words, to pay the liquidation call. Consequently, he kicked against renewing the transfer. Then there were slow music, and strong language, and finally a sharp exchange of blows, one of which fell on a sharebroker's eye, and tinged his cheek with the colours of the setting sun. Finally, a couple of scrip individuals were torn from each other's embrace on a dusty floor, and stood up in a corner whence they could annihilate each other with terrible looks. That is why the Brokers' Association sat in solemn conclave for a couple of hours, and wondered what it could do, and finally decided that it could do nothing.

" Leash " writes : " The story about genial Micky Corcoran in last week's Observer was scarcely complete. In addition to the ' corruscated ' iron fence there was a ' consecrated ' footpath, and the house (at Epsom, by the way, not Remuera) was lighted throughout by 'indacent ' burners."

. The very latest in Wellington is a West Coasters Association. Hitherto it has been a popular impression that the West Coasters were so clannish that they had no need to band themselves together, but this seems to be wrong. What do they want 'with a West Coasters Association in Wellington, anyhow ? Haven't the West Coasters got a loan of the public purse and a monopoly of the public billets that are going ? What more do they want ?

One would have thought that the very name of the sport would have endeared "Ping Pong" to the Chinese bosom. The Celestials, however, have declared against it. A Chinese Ambassador says it makes him tired without giving him exercise. We fear the almond eye has something to do with it, for the real pinging eye is round and very open. One has only to watch a girl play to know this.

Teinuka lia* iLm «illy moments, apparently. Somebody rushed into that budding metropolis the other day and said a whale of terrific proportion was stranded away down at Opihi. Eveiybody left his shop in charge of the general public, and rushed all the vehicles available. Drivers of the said vehicles charged big fares, did a roaring trade, put any old box on wheels into commission, and kept a boy running to the bank with bullion. Such a passenger trade had not been done in ? rears. There wasn't any whale, but a ivery stable proprietor, who has not been doing too well lately, and who invented the leviathan, has tided over those bad times.

Queer story told by a police constable. In the wee small hours recently, he was astonished to find the door of one of our largest business places wide open. Sauntering in, he was equally surprised to find no one about, and at once suspected burglars. At the back of the whop was a small office, dimly lighted, where a man lay sound asleep on a comfortable sofa. The constable awakened the man, and demanded his business there. The man sat up, rubbed his, eyes and explained. He was the night watchman.

There is joy in the Harbour Board offices. The Admiralty has "decided " to increase the Calliope Dock subsidy, and not " declined to," as was stated in a press cable message a week or two ago. All doubt on the point has been set at rest by Mr Brigbam, juni., who cabled privately to his father, and received the re-assuring news. Evidently, Mr J. M. Brigham has succeeded handsomely with his mission so far, and that being so, carping criticism is to be deprecated and he is fairly entitled to the credit of the negotiation he has carried through. By the way, what will Mr Brigham's critics say if it proves that he persuaded the Admiralty to purchase the properties next to the Calliope Dock for the purposes of a coaling station.

" Buskin " writes from Te Awamutu : — " What are you giving us about Coroner Gresham and Saveloy Joe? Do you know that the Maoris at Otorohanga use the name of ' the Burglar and the Judge ' to scare the picanninies with ?'

How closely interwoven do we tind the humorous and the pathetic, the sublime and the ridiculous. One of the several street bands was playing "Home, Sweet Home" outside an hotel west of Hobson-street, when an ancient beldam, bedraggled and frowsy and maudlin from the effects of liquor, shambled out of the pub., and, going up to the bandmaster, laid her hand heavily on his shoulder and whined : " Don t play that toon, don't! It breaks my bloonrin' 'art." ••• ••• <%•

That little wager of a suit of clothes between two Auckland business men on the question whether or not Sir Joseph Ward is a condemned perverter of the truth, and whether one of the venturesome wagerers had actually written and told him so, has advanced a stage. Sir Joseph denies the soft impeachment. He says he never got any such letter. Also, he wants to know more about the allegation, so that there are prospects of sultry times ahead for someone.

TEe difltmct departure caused by the new Electro - Medical treatment practised by the specialists of the Freeman and Wallace Electro- Medical and Surgical Institute, Elizabeth and Bathurst-streets, Sydney (whose advertisement appears on page 14) cannot be more fully proved than is shown in the voluntary testimony and practical endorsement of it by many of Sydney's influential personages. The treatment has been adopted and gladly endorsed by leading professional athletes of all grades in physical competition. In many instances they attest their success has been due chiefly to this grand restorative treatment which has made them physically and mentally perfect. In long-standing cases of insomnia, rheumatism, lumbago, kidney and bladder disorders> general debility, dyspepsia, and all stomachic troubles the treatment is singularly curative.